Why We’re Attracted to People Who Are Wrong For Us

I’m asked this question all the time: “Why am I attracted to people who are ‘wrong’ for me?” The answer is simple, actually:

Because your wounded self is doing the attracting.

Now, I know the term “wounded self” can sound a little intense, so let me explain what it is.

We all have two selves – the “little self” (or the wounded self, the ego) and the “Spiritual Self” (the Higher Self, Spirit, Soul).

The wounded self is the part of you that feels incomplete. It’s the part within each of us that questions our worth and value. It doesn’t feel whole.

My wounded self, for example, is the “little me” who wonders if I’m truly lovable. She’s the part that feels flawed, unworthy, or disconnected from love in some way.

On the other hand, we also have a Spiritual Self. This is your Higher Self… your SoulIt’s the part of you that’s connected to love, truth, wisdom and peace within.

Your Spiritual Self knows, without a doubt, how lovable and valuable you are. In many ways, it’s the opposite of the ego.

At any given time, we are operating from one of these two selves. Many of us, unfortunately, operate from the viewpoint of the ego most of the time. That is, we believe we’re small and powerless, and we’re trying to make up for this lack.

The ego looks for things on the outside to find validation and completion. It believes once it gets ________ (more money, a better partner, deeper connections, more beautiful, etc…) it will finally be happy.

But… it’s never happy. Not for long, anyway.

Because the ego’s very nature is to feel incomplete. Therefore when you live through the perspective of your ego, you’re destined to feel like something’s missing.

As you can imagine, life through this lens is not very fun.

The ego gets highly activated when it comes to romantic relationships, because relationships are where we hold the most wounding. 

We’ve all felt disappointed or hurt by a relationship in the past; we carry the memory of this wound into adulthood. If a wound from childhood is still active within you, you’ll attract people who are going to highlight the same wounded feeling.

For example, if your wounding is centered around feeling rejected or unseen, it’s very likely that you’ll feel a similar way in relationships as an adult.

Your unconscious is programmed to attract people who activate your wounds. The reason for this is so you’ll recognize who you are on a deeper level.

So you’ll remember yourself as Love.

This is a frustrating part of the growth process! But you can think of it this way: You’re replaying your wounds so you can finally heal them.

We cannot heal anything we don’t feel or see; we can’t heal things that are unconscious! The uncomfortable feeling has to come to the surface for you to grow beyond it.

And how do you grow beyond it?

By identifying with the Love that you are.

Remember, Love (also known as your Higher Self) is the part of you that knows the truth about you. It knows that you are worthy, amazing, capable, and powerful.

Through the lens of your Higher Self, you are whole. Yes, you’re an imperfect human with flaws; but the larger truth is: you’re a Soul.

You’re beautiful. 

You’re important. 

You’re special. 

You’re Love. 

This is what the Higher Self knows about you – and it wants you to know this, too.

By identifying with your Higher Self (the Love within you), your compulsion to play out wounds with other people dissipates and will eventually disappear. 

When you wake-up to the Higher Self’s truth, you suddenly realize that the “wrong” people were just teachers to nudge you into the “right” state-of-being; a state-of-being that does not question your value or worth.

Unfortunately, nothing inspires us to grow more than a broken heart.

Love wants you to identify with it. It wants you to who you really are. Reclaim the Love within you, and you will heal your relationships from the inside-out.

Please leave a comment below telling us the qualities of your Higher Self and how you plan on being more connected to that part of you. I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

Meli

This article touched me.
I just finished a 1.5 year relationship. I made the decision and it felt the right one to make but at the same time felt I was breaking not only his heart but also my very own too. I can’t agree more when you say: “Unfortunately, nothing inspires us to grow more than a broken heart”.
I’m in that process of refocusing on my true self, the one who feels capable of loving and wants to give it away. The only thing troubling me right now is to continue or not in touch with my ex. I don’t hate him or have any negative feelings towards him, except maybe the one that wishes our circumstances and realities were compatible, but they’re not. But that’s not a negative feeling.
A part of me tells me to block him, not to talk to him ever again so I can attract new things to my life, like a new and good relationship. The other part of me says: well, we can be friends, no hard feelings, easy, let’s keep in touch.
I’m not sure which side is right and which one is wrong yet.

Anyway, love your articles.
Never stop writing ;-))

Sending love from China.

Reply
Shelly Bullard

Hi Meli,

Thank you for your comment. I advice my clients who are recently out of relationships to not be in contact with their ex’s, at least for a little while. This isn’t the right way for everyone, but the reason I suggest it is to give a you the opportunity to create a “clean slate” to move on from, and create the new relationship you want.

xoShelly

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Andi

Thank you for this article and especially for the free e-book you have! I have always heard that you need to look for acceptance within instead of on the outside, but you’re e-book was the first I’ve seen to give me concrete ways to do that.
I came across your website yesterday and it couldn’t have been more timely. My husband of 16 years and I are considering divorce. We never had major “breakup worthy” issues but we have a whole slew of minor issues that cause us not to get along for long periods of time. I understand now that this relationship’s purpose is to spur my personal growth. but what about our 3 children that will be adversely impacted by our breakup? How do they fit in this growth? Can I still achieve the growth within the relationship so as not to negatively affect them?

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Jane

Shelly, I was in a two year relationship which hurt so much relating to this article. I was almost begging to be loved the way love should be and had never received confirmation of this deep love he proclaimed. I left him, drowned myself in religion, remained single and celibate for four years and now four years later after many trials with my child being ill and now doing well I yearned for a loving relationship and looked on dating sites which was hurtful too as I never felt I could find what I was looking for, too many dubious characters. I now find myself back in touch with my ex, nothing has changed, he still proclaims his undying love for me yet he seems to lie about his whereabouts and there are times I am unable to communicate with him because he switches off his phone or if i call he at times sounds cold and says he will call me the next day. I know this is destroying me but I keep wanting to change things and try again to gain his true love for me. Help me, it is killing me inside and now I have even thought to just sleep with him and use him like i think he has used me and play the same games with him so he knows how it feels.

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Christiane

Hi ,

So there is hope for us all !! We tend to be demoralized when relationships end or we are rejected even if we knew deep down the relationship was not healthy for us.
It is painful but does teach us about our wounds as you say and I have finally learnt that it is important to be happy single too then either relationships add something or not but it’s not vital to my happiness and not what I’m seeking for the wrong reasons ie insecurity or loneliness or a need to feel validated by someone else.

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Shelly Bullard

We attract relationships that mirror what is happening inside of us. Therefore, when we grow to feel more love and respect for ourselves, our relationships evolve, too. However, we have to come fact-to-face with the hard stuff first, to recognize we need to change. :) Thank you for your comment!

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Lizel Stander

Dis baie mooi woorde shelly en die waarheid

Ek weet ek is mooi ek is in n verhouding wat niemand niks voel vir my nie ek weet dit maar ek weet nie wat is die hou vas aan hom nie

I think i dont wana move forward my thinking is what wil people think how will my life be without him coz iam used to him
And will i really find the love i want.Please reply shelly

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erin

If your doind self improvements and following inner compass. How do u deal with ppl that are ego based and your on spiritual plane. I know this person is help me further career but hes ego based and kind of cut me loose at moment . How do u handle it. What are some steps to help me. Right now hes feeling regret letting go but at same time im standing up for self worth. Do u have any advice.

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Shelly Bullard

I don’t know if I completely understand your questions, but here is my advice:
– Recognize that he’s acting from his ego – his wounded self
– Ask yourself how your ego is involved (what are you trying to GET from him?)
– Set appropriate boundaries with the relationship feels toxic
Hope that helps.

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Li

Hi Shelley! Awesome article. I really resonated with this. It’s interesting because I definitely feel I am attracted to people who don’t seem to be attracted to me and then those who are attracted to me and actually taking action on it, I don’t seem as interested. There is one guy in particular who I have a lot of chemistry with and am supreme attracted to but he isn’t making any moves and then I have another man who is very interested and I have some interest in him but not as strong as the other guy. I can see how some type of wound is at play here – I can’t tell exactly what it is – what the underlying belief is? I realized I have a fear of the men I am most attracted to because what if they don’t like me back – it’s really a fear of rejection that is holding me and I am challenged in letting it go and changing it. Any suggestions on these two scenarios? Will my attraction to the guy who isnt giving me attention shift as I change my inner beliefs? Thank you!! I love your site and blogs!

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Shelly Bullard

You’re attracted to unavailable men, men who aren’t going to really see you and notice how special you are. This means that you aren’t connecting and validating how special you are, for yourself. Self-love is the work.

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Li

You’re right. Self love is my work right now. I get to validate myself and notice really get how special i am, and get to know my ever growing and changing self. Thank you for giving it to me straight!

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Irene

Nothing inspires you to grow more than a broken heart.

Beautifully said and so true! Ironically, I think being your higher self and growing brings you to some of the best aspects of yourself as a child before being wounded:

Higher confidence, trusting, deep curiosity, and an unconditional loving spirit can be tough with learned disappointments. That brightness is hard to project when you’re too busy protecting your wounded self. But, like you said, the wounded self is attracting the wrong person! How to break out of this dilemma?

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Shelly Bullard

Exactly!!! When you become more identified with your Higher Self, then that part of you attracts. That’s when it gets really good (I know from experience). :)

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Sharon

Thank you for bringing this point forward again. I have been living in my Ego side for too long again. But I feel stuck. I know that I need to change, I know that the relationship I am in is not for my best long term goals, but I can’t seem to find the courage to make a change and stick to it.

There must be a deeper wound that I can’t seem to heal. I want to, I just don’t know where to find the resources to get this healing process started.

Any suggestions?

Reply
Shelly Bullard

Yes – the eCourse I’m launching in 2 days (Manifest Your Love). :) It’s a guided path to connect to a deep sense of love within yourself, so you can create the relationship and the life you want. I’m releasing all the info on Oct 1st, so stay tuned.

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tina

Thank you Shelly for this eye opening article ! I once were in an emotional abusive long distance engagement and I decided to leave 3 months before the wedding because I knew deep inside that it was not right and the only reason I stayed was my fear of being single and alone . I find it hard to connect with any guy now, I dont feel emotionally mentally and physically attracted to anyone , could this be that I havent met the one or is this fear I dont know but I still fear ending up alone. Will start working on loving singlehood so finding the right person would be for the right reasons but how to go about this ?

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Shelly Bullard

You might have some blocks – find out what you’re scared of when it comes to relationships and transcend those limiting beliefs.

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M

This piece was very resonant with me. Without getting into too much detail about the saga which is what my relationship is, I am wondering if I can tell enough to get your opinion. My partner and I have definitely learned that we are together to help each other recognize and then hopefully heal our wounds– we are VERY different in our ways of being in the world, and for me at least his way often made me feel bad about myself, my default ways. After many years and ups and downs and separations, we have come back together and are trying to commit– taking the ups and downs as part of the healing work we all must do. We still trigger some of our old woundings, but my hope is that rather than being the “wrong person” this is the way I will continue to heal. At times though the triggers are so patterned and easy to set off I worry that neither of us can really fully develop into our best selves while those wounds keep being re-triggered. Any thoughts?

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Shelly Bullard

He’s triggering you so you can give yourself whatever it is that you need. So if he makes you feel rejected, you need to work on not-rejecting (or, deeply accepting) yourself. You have to give yourself whatever you’re seeking from him.

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Heather Hill

Wow I really resonate with M’s story above. I consciously stayed in my last relationship because I knew the triggers were my old woundings. I did learn to stand up for myself and trust myself more and not be so reliant on getting approval. But I ended it as I got so triggered by his unconscious abuse that was so similar to my treatment as a child where my feelings of powerlessness were so intense that I became aggressive and abusive towards him in ways that I never acted but always wanted to do when I was treated badly. I can say that I am not proud of my behavior but I can also say that I am glad I experienced it as I feel like some healing came out of standing up for myself as I had a pattern of saying to myself, they do not care about me so I do not care about me either. My question is, how do you draw the line of getting so triggered so much, feeling so much grief & anxiety that it was overwhelming to be in the same room with his energy and trying to grow into a person that is no longer triggered by the same things? I just reached my point and gave up, I feel in my heart it was right but I just wonder if I have grown and healed from this that I will not repeat this again. This is the second recent relationship where I got aggressive like this, the first was worse because he threatened to hit me, but this time we just broke each others stuff even though I wanted to physically hurt him, which is something I have never done or felt before. I guess this is a part of my growth??

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Shelly Bullard

Part of your growth is about setting boundaries and feeling very clear that you will not be treated this way anymore. Sometimes it takes being treated poorly over and over again to finally draw that line.

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Myles

Hi

I’m Myles I’m touched by your article it’s really interesting I can relate to it.sometimes I’m loosing hope and thinking that I’m always a fool when it comes to love. I’ve been seeing someone for almost a year now we spent every weekends together do a lot of things together,travel together and so on. We’re happy if we’re together or I might say I’m happier. I’m scared that I’m falling to deep on him already and I can assure that I love him now. But I don’t know what he really feels about me. I’m affected with everything his doing now his actions the wAy he talks.i know he likes me but I don’t know if he loves me too like I love him. I’m confused I don’t know what to do. Hope you can help me really appreciate it

Love
Myles

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Shelly Bullard

You’re losing yourself in him – you have to come back to the love and sense of self within you.

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Bella

I just left an 11+ year relationship. I recognize that we were both coming from our “wounded selves”, and I knew I had to go, but I didn’t want to. I believe I am supposed to be with him, but I can’t because we both have our issues, so all I can do is work on mine. The trick for me is believing there is someone out there who will “get me” the way he does.

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Nikita

Hello Shelly,

I really like what you say cause it somehow manages to pull out the reasons behind turmoiling relationships from deep within. I would like to share a story of mine. Throughout my life I have been told that I am not beautiful enough which created an inferiority complex within myself and always crave for love and acceptance from others particularly from ‘someone special’. So I was ready to settle with any guy who would be a little superior to me in society’s viewpoint even if he couldn’t fulfill all my needs as I was taught to believe you cannot have it all! This resulted on me getting married with a guy who fulfilled some of the criteria of my ideal life partner but not all. Actually I didn’t dare to ever think what are all the qualities I look for in a guy as I believed I did not deserve everything. So as a result I got divorced within a month after my marriage. After that a few many guys came to my life but none of them possessed all the qualities that I want in my partner. Sometimes I feel if I am keeping my expectations too high but then I listen to my higher self who tells me to wait for the one. Who will connect with my soul like no other. Please tell me if this calling from my higher self is true or I’m actually over expecting and if I should settle with someone who fits with my idea of a perfect partner partially. I will be really grateful to you!

Love

Nikita

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Shelly Bullard

No one is a perfect fit – you have to be the perfect fit for you. That said, I do think there are people who are much better matches than others. The way to attract those great fits is to be aligned to your higher self, love yourself, and be the best version of yourself that you can be.

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carolyn

Shelly, Thank you for the work you do in this world. God’s work. This article is full of Light and has allowed me to lovingly reflect on the patterns in my life. I am Grateful to have you as a compass to point me to the truths that are already in my heart! Love you:)

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Shelly Bullard

Hi Babe! Thank you for you comment and your words. You are full of Light. Love you, too. xoxox

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Debbie

My husband and who I thought was my best friend of 15 years handed me divorce papers in March, saying he lost his intimate love for me. A week after the divorce was final, I met a man. We have been together ever since. From what I read in your eye-opening article, I am living as my wounded self. I don’t want to be alone. I seem to be looking for validation from this man. He is a good person, but is also very judgemental and critical. I don’t know how to get to my higher self, to love myself and be okay by myself.

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Nicole

You are truly beautiful, Shelly. I want to tell you how grateful I am to be able to read your articles. They touch me deeply.
All my life I felt abandoned, not heard, invisible and like a burden to my parents. I met a guy who I thought clearly fit the criteria of what I am looking for in a relationship but he clearly stated that he had other priorities at the moment , that he had no space to be in a relationship. Which made me feel like a burden again. I am trying my best to see things as they are, this is just a lesson , a way for me to heal this pattern. I don’t know how though. He lives in the same building that I do and ever since he stated this, I am afraid to meet him and I don’t know why.
I want to identify with my higher self.

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Shelly Bullard

Hi Nicole, You’re going to have to change your core limiting beliefs that say “I am a burden.” As long as you identify with this, you are going to feel it. When you transcend this belief, and understand that you absolutely are not a burden and in fact, are a gift to others, the pattern will change in your life. The eCourse I launched today teaches women exactly how to do that. For more info on it, click here: http://www.manifesthim.com

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AJ

Hi Nicole,

I’ve felt abandoned and invisible most of my life as well. One of the things I learned recently however, is that always listen when someone tells you who they are. If this guy is saying he doesn’t have the time or space to be in a relationship with you, then move on. It’s either the wrong guy for you or the wrong time. Either way, take the time and space to take care of yourself. One of the most powerful practices I’ve encountered is the ‘loving kindness’ meditation (I’m sure google can help you find it). xoxo

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Jill

Hi Shelly,
So many of your articles resonate with Me.Ur so inspirational!:) I have found myself, even currently,attracting & in relationships with men who not at first, but are very demanding of attention, want things to go their way, & tend to be verbally abusive; basically the alpha male type…I find myself having to fight for my independence, healthy boundaries,etc & stay waaay longer than I should,losing my identity at times, I try to stay away for at least 2 weeks,but somehow I always get sucked back in,even tho I know I would be better off getting out & healing from the dysfunctional relationship(s) & viscous cycle. I want so badly to break the cycle,but seem to be a glutton for punishment and think somehow its all gonna turn around & get better, but at this point I’m just emotionally & physically exhausted trying..I put his needs before mine, I don’t want to hurt him & take on the guilt…even tho I know he wld eventually move on & be just fine!It seems to take me a year or so to get out-Uuugh!

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Shelly Bullard

Sounds like you need to try being alone for awhile to heal and get strong from the inside-out.

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Karen Marks

Thanks for your article Shelley there is not much information about personal relationships from women, so I appreciate finding your link and now the articles in my inbox.

It’s so hard to know if we are ready, for a personal relationship.
I have basically said to myself to let it go, be single work on myself.

I am certainly worthy of a loving healthy emotionally supportive relationship with a handsome man(I don’t think im ugly but I seem to be blind and then after a relationship think WHAT WAS I THINKING, oh I was not thinking) and tend to attract men who are not handsome free or available.

I tend to go back and forth between horrible men and men online who I never see. Who I tend to have crushes on who I will most likely never see. Though this last face to face man was so horrible he really woke me up to who I was. I didn’t like myself. I have certainly learned a lot from my past relationships, oh lord so much. Including things about myself I would have rather not known but these have propelled me into self discovery and work to improve myself, though I feel like this is a life long process.

How do we really know for one if we are ready if we are healed enough that we will have something to offer another in a personal relationship? I want to be able to give and receive love and attract the man of my dreams, someone who harmonizes with me.

Should we have a full fledged career, steady income etc before we even think about a loving relationship? I go back and forth that I need to get my act together before I can be with anyone. Is this true?

I tend to treat men like women and I think that is a big problem; they not only don’t think like we do they don’t behave like we do. Recently I tend to turn them off; also I am on the cusp of menopause so part of me is coping with this change. Ideas? Thanks again for your article the ego certainly is active in abusive relationships.

Karen

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Shelly Bullard

Relationships give us an opportunity to grow. You will always be evolving (as in, not perfect) and so will your partner. Therefore, you are always “ready.” You just have to realize that a relationship is going to bring all your stuff to the surface so you can heal it. If you find that you totally lose yourself in relationships and they are completely dysfunctional, stay away from them for awhile and do some serious self-love work. Then, get back in another relationship, let your fears come up, and move beyond them. It’s always going to be a process – it’s never going to be perfect. But it can get really, really good given that you do the necessary internal work.

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Stephanie

This article IS an eye-opener! I’ve done a lot of healing and inner-work over the last year. Now I can see why I HAD to make the mistakes in love that I did. I HAD to choose the relationships that were not right for me because I needed those experiences and heartbreaks in order to heal my old wounds and find my true self. I thought those painful experiences were happening TO me and that I just had really horrible luck in love. But now I can see that those things had to happen FOR me so that I could find my way back to my true, higher self- the me that will attract the good, real, amazing love that my soul really wants. <3

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Shelly Bullard

Stephanie – what you said above is amazing. Yes – that’s exactly it. We do this in all areas of our lives – come face to face with what isn’t working so we can move towards what is. Thank you for sharing your process with us. xoxox

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Michele

Hi! I just want to thank you for being so open and sharing with us all not only how to attract into our lives what we truly desire by becoming the most incredible versions of ourselves but for sharing all you went through to get to where you are today. In January of this year, I left an extremely abusive marriage…my whole thought process was crushed beneath the weight of all my doubts and fears. I had no self-esteem…period!! Then in June my husband was arrested for hurting our 6 year old daughter…again I was thrown into the guilt trap and the pain resurfaced and the weight of it started once again crushing me. I only seem to attract those who hurt me and I was at a loss as to why this always happens…I mean why would I want to go into what I fought so hard to escape? Over the last 11 months I have slowly peeked out from my shell and decided enough was enough I want to start living again…that is when I found your article on MindBodyGreen and yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life. I got your free ebook and have started making changes…:) I AM Beautiful! I AM an Original! I AM Creative! I AM Fun! I am Quirky!! :D Thank you for all you do. I look forward to reading more and more from you…Have an AWESOME day!!

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Shelly Bullard

Wow- this Brightens my day and my heart more than you know, Michele. Thank you for sharing so intimately with us. It is a step-by-step process into a new way of life. Moment by moment, day by day, keep choosing the small but strong voice within you that says, “I am love. I deserve to be free and happy, and to know how worthy I truly am.” Keeping going from there. xoxox

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Leah

Holy Shit. This just happened to me: “The ego gets highly activated when it comes to romantic relationships, because relationships are where we hold the most wounding. ” So here I am on the high road, on my path, creating the most amazing career ever, love and lifestyle… and then Boom ~ I become magnetically attracted and connected to an amazing somebody, In my area of influence (of course). What happened next? …….All of my insecurities jam packed into one hit me all at once. I knew what was happening… but the ego was so activated, the only way to come back to myself was to detach and withdraw from the ‘connection’ to maintain balance. Its Scary when you start to fall for someone haha ahh…. To have control, to not have control. So messy Shelly! ha. I think Im going to need some one on one help to help smooth me out. Because when it comes to relationships ~ the ones with the most amazing connection, I somehow find a way to sabatage them so I am free again. But I want both. I can have both, right? My freedom to be all that I am, Confident, Sexy, Career Driven,… And… in partnership ?? With love ?? Attraction ?? Ahh, bless. Haha I’ve got to laugh. Help ?? Mind you after stepping back, I dont think it was a ‘relationship’ anyway, just attraction (perhaps infatuation) – but I want to prepare for my next ‘encounter’ with someone I like so that maybe, just maybe one day I can balance my Whole self, smooth out my ego, and enjoy the journey with a special other. KIss Kiss, Thank You in Advance !! :)))) haha Love love

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Shelly Bullard

Hi Beautiful Leah!! Yes – it’s a crazy, wild ride. Here’s my answer to what you’re asking: Yes, you can have all of it (freedom and connection) but it takes work to get there. It’s not like the pretty package just shows up one day (especially if you have a pattern of it turning out the way you described above). But that’s good news – it’s simply a spiritual practice. Practice, again and again, showing up in your authenticity. Are you going to do it well 100% of the time. No! At first, you’ll suck at it. ;) But the more you stay the course and keep trying, the better you’ll get at maintaining you composure in the face of falling for someone else. And, as I write this, I think that sometimes we just have to surrender to the fall, you know? Hope this helps – sending love. xo

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Leah

haha Thank You. Wise words. Yes,.. practise. Lol. Im Excited! In a kind of.. scary way. Yeah.. but it’ll be worth it. I feel and know that. You’re brilliant. Thank you. :) xo

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charlotte

Shelly thank you for your logical and loving guidance. Yes i def agree
the wounded ego attrated the wrong partners for me. I knew i
wasnt ready for a relationship when my partner persued me twice but the attentio.
Feed my broken ego. Now he ended us after changing his mind about
us buying a house together and trying for a kid (my dream, he ha
s three teens already). We need to live together at mo for i do not have a permanent
job yet…relief teaching..but he bought a house..now i must find a flatemate in
a reasonably expensive rental and i have a gorgeous dog :) i am finding my
Recent ex very apathetic but hey maybe thats guilt
My answer to my higher self qualities are: loving, inclusive, want to be more discerning, patience, acceptance…not set unrealistic expectations of myself and others
and to trust trust trust in myself and universe <3

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Prisca

This is a great article. I understand now why I continue to attract the wrong people in relationships. I am being guided by my ego self. I am currently working on bringing out my higher self. I meditate daily by listening to positive affirmations. This has been super awesome in my healing and growing process. Yes you are also correct that it took a second heart break for me to finally start seeking for the much needed healing and growth.

Thanks so much for your articles. They are truly helping me.

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Rick Williams/ A guys voice

Just something a guy wants to say to all women.Always remember everyone, NOBODY, ANYBODY, ANYONE, ANYWHERE can and will never be better than “YOU”. You cannot be duplicated…You are and will forever be special and unique.Make a difference in the world and even better….yourself!! Always, forever, everyday say…I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE..IN…ME. Happy 2015, Thank you Ladies. Rick Williams

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Shelly Bullard

Glad you like the content and forum, Rick. Happy to have you here. Happy New Year to you. :)

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greekgeek66

This was a hard one for me to read. I just broke up with my partner of 10 years, and we were going to try to remain friends. Then I found out she started a new relationship 2 days later. I don’t regret my decision as what we had was toxic. But right now I’ve been going through the mourning process,which I know is natural, but also falling into a pity-party about how I’m never going to find someone compatible AND healthy.

So, I realized that you’re right – what I put out is what I attract. And although I’m not nearly ready to even begin dating, I know that I need to work on ME and focus on being the healthiest I can be.

I decided to write out a plan for what I want to achieve in my life over the next year. I turn 49 in a couple weeks, so I’m calling this “Fit by 50”. And it’s not really about exercise or anything like that. My goals are meant to enrich my life physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I’ve shared it with my friends to keep me accountable and to ensure they don’t become enablers of bad habits I am trying to break.

Although I am kind of still sad now, I am hopeful and optomistic about what these next 12 months hold for me!

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Shelly Bullard

Thank you for sharing. That is a difficult thing to discover about your ex – my advise would be this: you can’t be friends with him until you heal. Block contact and work on you – when you get to a strong place (and you will), then you can be friends. With love, xo Shelly

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Carmel

Hi Shelly, you have blown me away….I felt you were in my room with me telling me of my life story. As though you were an angel, I could not see you you, but certainly felt your presence. I am wounded, over and over again. My heart hurts so much. I often talk to myself about the Ego and its ramifications and pretend that I am not ego. Nuh !! I am loving, caring, beautiful and oh so sensitive. I think back now to my relationships and marriage of 32 years that I had to get out of to survive, seven year ago. I was faithful to my then husband. I tended to ‘mother’ them (men), which gave me a sense of satisfaction and belonging, cause that is what I am best at doing. This is my turn now and I am so hungry for a genuine adventure of integrity. I need to be strong, am certainly learning about and discovering my higher self. I have been on a beautiful journey now for about seven years :-) Angels, like you, have this moment put me on a pedestal. I am unique and you will never find another beautiful lady like me. I need to remind myself of this all the time. However, I feel that at times I am so lonely and in need of touching and what I call ‘huggles’. I have not had many relationships, I feel too scared and hold onto hurt and grief. I have been attracting the wrong people into my life. I have an invisible boundary around me at the moment. Thank you soooooo much. Tears of relief and happiness trickle down my face. Big Huggles ~ it is free :-)

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Shelly Bullard

Thank you so much, Carmel. I’m so happy that you’re so moved by the message. I’m very happy to have you here. xo

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Carmel

Hi Shelly et al, good morning. Thank you Shelly for your welcome. May I now share my mornings reading with you, from a lovely lady in Australia ~ were I live. Her name is Yasmin Boland. Some of you may be familiar with her.

“There are no major links today, so I am going to randomly pick a card from Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine’s Guardian Angel Tarot Cards. So, close your eyes for a moment and think of a question, or someone or something.

And remember, if you’re reading this, you’re MEANT to be.

And now, as I shuffle, hold that question in your mind…

OK, we got ‘Guardians of Abundance’. This is a time of great success for you. All your plans are blessed and will move forward perfectly. Unexpected job opportunities arise in the near future. Make sure to accept them. This card indicates that someone with an amazing career is involved in the situation. This is a powerful person with great integrity who enjoys hard work. This person could be you!”

I continue to read the past ‘posts’ and see myself and can empathise with most of you. After my marriage separation, I thought I would be strong and have all the resources at my side. Little by little I was ‘chipped away at’ by negative and toxic people and situations. My ego told me that I was strong and ‘Carmel, you can do this !!’ I was encouraged to by so called thoughtful people. I do not blame them, I was is a situation where I believed in my ego. I have had a relationship ~ distant ~ for approx 5 years. Following Christmas, I have decided and chosen not to be available should he make contact. I enjoyed his company, had great discussions, always made me feel good and increased my self esteem and confidence. I shall thank him and time to move on.

Bless you all and thank you for sharing.

Carmel

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Farzana

Hello! Shelly
I am very happy to say that I have found you
Because I have been trying to believe in my higher
Self. Though your great words I can say that Iam
Learning to love my higher self more first then my
Husband and my three beautiful kids, I want to
Believe that yes I can too be successful in life. I have come a long
Way I can say that for sure:) Iam happy to say Iam in
College last term, so I want all the positive people around me to
Get to the end of my college year:)
Thank you! Love Farzana

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Carolina

Shelly, this is just the second article a read from you. Must say that you KNOW. And its amazing how clear and easy you can put into words all that IS. It helps so much and it is so inspiring to have someone like you, sharing your love with the world and inspiring all of us to do the same, starting with each of us, inside out. Im 29 and not long ago ive discover i was ok on the surface, but i really didnt love myself. Its being a long and hard way, ive struggled a lot, but it was necessary and completely worth it. Day by day, the more i can get in touch and resonate with my higher self, the more i feel the love around and inside of me, and everything happens leaving me so thankful and amazed of how everything just flows. So 100% sure we do get in life what we believe inside of us. I feel im gonna meet someone soon, and Its not cause im looking better every day on the outside, but because the love inside is coming out. Keep writing, keep sharing your gift. It means a lot. You are blessed. :). Xxx

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Shelly Bullard

Thank you, Carolina. Yes – we get what we believe so keep believing good things! xo

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Iwona

Hi Shelly. I’ve read your txt and found it very interested. I can say, I am already in the point, where I feel good, beautiful, worth. I can see good changes in my life. 7 years ago I left my husband and now I am much happier. I guess I am ready for serious relationship but if I am thinking deeper about that, I am not realy sure. One day when I feel lonely I think I am ready. Next day I feel happy I am alone because I don’t have to look at complaining and tired partner. I steel believe I’ll meet someone who will be perfect for me, but the question is: when?
Iwona

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Shelly Bullard

Perfection is a lofty ideal. People aren’t perfect, so your next relationship won’t be either. Here’s how I got ready: The idea of the personal growth I could do (not to mention growing with another person) became very exciting to me – more exciting than being single. Every person has her own path. Just keep following your heart!

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Donald L.

Hi Shelly,

Interesting that this got sent out again. It was because of this topic that I found some writing on why people like “unavailable people” and how I stumbled upon your site. I just subscribed to your newsletter and also read the ebook on activating your higher self.

It’s very timely as I have been semi pursuing a female co-worker. I think I initially had some attraction but because of work I put it aside. Then we met up for lunch a few times and I thought it would be good to see if we could go further. Alas, I’m not sure she’s into me plus she’s busy with work. It follows a bit of a pattern where i pine after these women who are “into work”. I can feel for one of the people up above who said there may be people who like me but I didn’t feel it with some I saw a year ago.

Would you say that our parent’s relationship with each other affects us as well? My mom was always complaining about my dad and they were always distant up until the past few years. My mom may be suffering some dementia and my dad and I have been forced to care for her more than in the past.

There’s a lot I can say but safe to say this was timely and perhaps an indication that it’s time to refocus on my higher self.

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Shelly Bullard

Yes – our relationships with our parents, as well as their relationship together, deeply affects what we expect will happens in relationships. It’s a he topic but you can start researching it to find out more. We repeat old patterns unconsciously. Thanks for your comment!

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Donald L.

Thanks Shelly. As you mentioned it a bit, I did want to ask you if your posts relate to men as well as women? The topic is interesting and I think I fit into the category, but perhaps men have different things to worry about. It doesn’t matter if the focus is on women as the general writing is interesting enough or me to think about things. :)

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Marlena

Hi, Shelly.

I totally agree with your post and thank you for pointing out the difference between the ‘little self’ and the ‘higher self’.
I mostly identify with the little one because I have grown up in an abusive family and somehow I still identify with my parents.

I’m practicing meditation and it makes me much more aware of my truer self, the one who knows the real me not the one my family or the outside world really sees.
My relationship with my partner reflects a part of my parents’ way of being-their cold nature and lack of self-care. But I’m working on it, I am more aware of my choices now.

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Dionne

Hello Shelly,

I stumbled upon your website yesterday, downloaded your free ebook, and practiced connecting to the love within me yesterday and several times today. It is the beginning of a wonderful new journey. Thank you.

I have been single for the past four years because I was not willing to share myself with anyone and now that I am ready to open my heart, I tend to attract people I have absolutely no interest in. I grew up with a family who tried to tell me how to think, act, and be, and there is a part of me always trying to break free from the chains of manipulation. I believe I have a soulmate, and I hope to meet that person some day.

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Shelly Bullard

Hi Dionne! I’m so happy you made it here! Yes – the feeling of “not willing to share yourself with anyone” or fear that being with someone will lead to you losing yourself, is going to continue to attract people you don’t want to be with. Until you know deep within your being that you don’t have to give yourself up to be in a relationship, it’s going to be hard to find someone who is a really good match for you. Check out my most recent video “how to attract a devoted partner” to learn more about what I’m talking about. Thanks for your comment!

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Paula

Hi Shelly
Thank you so… much for your lovely article and eBook, truly inspiring :) this has come at the perfect time for me as I have found my true love, he’s a beautiful person like myself however unfortunately he is a dinosaur! he has lived on his own for many years admiring and loving me from a distance. It was only when I ended a long term relationship that we shared how we felt, we were so in love we rushed moving in together, unfortunately it only lasted a year. I spent that time looking after him, giving him my all, when I asked for a little in return he saw me as ‘poor me, the victim’ this infuriated me because it was clear to me he was the one that wouldn’t do anything for himself. We are still in a relationship but are now living apart and its great!!! I am now looking after me :) doing things I enjoy, being more creative, loving me for my true self, and our relationship is going from strength to strength. I am surrounded by beautiful people and feel truly blessed. Then I come across you Shelly, how wonderful!! Thank you x

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Shelly Bullard

I’m so happy you’re taking care of YOU! It’s the best thing we can do for our relationships. :) xo

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Amanda

This all sounds like it could be possible to me, and maybe what my issue is…I have always been in long term relationships since adolescence (not an easy childhood), and when I broke up with them I would get very depressed, lonely, nearly suicidal and I’m not sure why. I’ve never been ok if notin a relationship and for the first time in my life..I’m feeling that same awful way even though I’m in a relationship..maybe not to the same degree but its possibly because I don’t know if this is the man I should be with, but the thought of being alone is terrifying and very depressing.
Anyway, how do we go about being our higher self? Maybe my NEED to be in a relationship is ruining my chance to find the right man for me..I also need to figure out how to get rid of thisdepression and loneliness, I just don’t understand how people can be happy when they are alone, I always seek it from others. HOW do I stop that though? Any insight would really be appreciated!!! Thank you

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Paul

Ever since finding your site I’ve been meditating on nouns, not verbs. Wayne Dyer talks about, “I am,” statements being powerful and I agree with him. Thinking about your exercises in connecting with Higher Self, I realized that instead statements such as, “I am confident,” or, “I am attractive,” isn’t it more truthful that, “I am attraction, I am confidence, I am acceptance, I am success, I am love.” It’s more about embodying these ideas and really becoming what I want.

I’ve been repeating these statements over and over rather than the programming I’ve been running for years which is, “I am an ugly piece of shit and women find me repulsive.” I’m only into the third day of this practice and these thoughts and like you mentioned, the ego fights really hard to keep its existence in the front of our minds. But ya know what, screw that. Thanks for your ideas.

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Shelly Bullard

Hi Paul! Thanks for your comment! I think that it’s important to use I am statements in any way that resonates for you. So if you find “I am attraction” resonates as more true, go with it! Also, I just was at a seminar that was incredibly profound, and we looked at the science of spirituality. One thing we discussed was the neuro-networks in our brains that are created from the way we are accustomed to thinking and feeling. Essentially, when we change our belief system, we are changing our brain activity, too! And this is challenging. We have to constantly break apart neuro-networks that exist because of years of think and feeling a certain way, and grow new neuro-networks. I mention this because it’s one of the reasons change is so difficult, especially at the beginning. However, if you stick with it, your brain will change in the direction you want it to go – you’ll create new neuro-networks for those awesome “I am” statements. So keep up the good work! (just wanted to share!)

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mary

I needed this today so thank you. I left a very toxic/eventually abusive 4 year relationship in December and moved across the country. Everything seems to have lined up for me. …it’s amazing. I love my life and feel strong for leaving. I’m identifying with higher self more and more. I ignore the random texts from my ex but it is always a trigger and puts me into a funk. It still has the power to put me right back where I was when I felt devalued and constantly disrespected and i.spiral into thinking about the negative things i used to be told. Today was one of those days and I wish I could just shake the ick feeling off. How do people manage that feeling? A bike ride helped, but I just….hurt. So glad I found your wonderful site.

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Shelly Bullard

Lots of ways to manage it, too much to write in a response. However it sounds like your doing the right things. The best thing to do is to be loving to yourself when your in that funky space. xo

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Clare

Hi Shelley,

This is a great article and makes a lot of sense to me.

I read another piece by you on MindBodyGreen about finding your soulmate and it seems to me like that is a similar concept – i.e. someone who pushes you to grow beyond wounds.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8976/this-is-why-you-cant-find-your-soul-mate.html

My question is, in this post it seems to be saying that we should resist our attraction to people we are drawn to that activate our wounded ego self and align with our higher self. The soulmate article though seems to be saying we should accept people into our lives who force us to grow through discomfort.

What I am misunderstanding?

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Shelly Bullard

I’m never saying you should resist anything. I’m always saying: you should accept what comes into your life, and know that it’s here to teach you lessons. :)

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Clare

So the soulmate person is a different kind of teacher to the one who we attract when we are operating from our wounded ego?

Reply
michelle

Hello Shelly, I have just started to read your articles and have to admit I am pretty good at focusing on my shortfalls. I often find myself on a bit of a mental high for a week or so and then get a bunch of exciting ideas, i reach out to people and make plans. Then I start self-doubting my ideas and get nervous about the plans I have made. I quit often cancel my plans with friends and talk myself out of my idea. I am learning fro. You this could be because of my ego…
the other reason I am trying to change my way of thinking is that I have in fact, jumped in to my current relationship of 7 years as a deeply hurt person. I am now finding myself thinking of a old flame who I had super happy times with 12 years ago.The bad thing is I can not control the way I feel about this other person and my current spouse is a great father and spouse. The person I think about all the time is far away and a bit of a driffter.
..todly not ideal for my children.
So…..I am reading your e-book and trying to find love within myself. I feel so disconnected and lost about how I really feel. Thanks for reading.
Michelle

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Sarah

Hi Shelly,
I stumbled upon your article about the wounded self attracting the wrong people on
Pinterest! It really resonated with me as I have always been one to hop from relation-
ship to relationship. After a divorce and the most recent issue (a broken engagement)
I felt that it was finally time to figure out what’s going on. Thank you for your insight, it
has given me some guidance on how to move forward in a positive way instead of
blaming myself and thinking something’s “wrong” with me.
-Sarah

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Shelly Bullard

Amazing Sarah! I’m so happy your perspective has shifted in that way! And so happy you found my community! xoxo

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Gunjan

Now my case has been different , i have always attracted very emotional guyz but i was always the detached one .. though the relationsships never worked out , i m 30 n stii single … i started my spiritual journey few months back , reading artciles watching videos … its changed my life completely :) … I am in love with yself even more …. and ossm article shelly thnku !

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suhad

love this article, gives me support to carry on. I never realised that we have the wounded ‘ego’ self and the higher self…. I just start to feel the value of myself and regain my self confidence, i just learnt to love myself and reject those who hurt me after i suffered tremendous pain that cost me and my family alot, I actually contracted cancer after the most painful breakup with the love of my life. all what i wanted is to be with him. now after 16 months of suffering, we bumped into eachother during a party and we talked like old good friends. i dont crave him that much, not as much as i thought. having said that, i will think about getting back to him if he took the first move and contacted me… life goes on, and i am sure the perfect relationship is waiting for me!

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Jennifer

This hit home. So, how do we retrain the unconscious self. Especially after 30 plus years of negative programming, or wishful thinking-and more break ups, which leads to more negative programming? :)

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Shelly Bullard

Inner work. There are many ways to do so – my eCourse, Manifest Your Love, takes people through a process of doing just that – retraining your inner-self. You can find more about it here: http://manifesthim.com

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dipti

hi…ur article was simply superb!! I wanna share about my frequent intense n powerful attraction to wrong people which often led to despair… break – ups…I know that it was not love but jus strong infatuation which seem to b no less den love…quite often I absorb in their thoughts all the day n night…listening to sad songs…unable to move on..I think this is because of my homely circumstance.. I lost my dad when I was only 14 n don’t have brother too…I m very negative person …..I have fear of arrranged marriage too….I hesitate in coming out of comfort zone..I think I have kept myself in shell not willing to come out…I wanna come out of d despair of broken relationships move on…Please help me out

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Shelly Bullard

The only advice I have is find love within yourself. You have to explore what that means to you. Once you find it, you’ll break the patterns/despair you wrote about above. xo

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Andrea

This is absolutely true. I know because I’ve been living it. I’ve finally started to make peace with that little wounded child inside myself. It’s like that songs says: Your locked in a cage and don’t even realize you have the key. It’s like you’re wearing a costume of the ego and when you look at yourself in the mirror, that’s all you see. You gotta work at seeing & believing that the costume is not you and you need to take it off and destroy it forever!!

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srikanth

Hi Shelly, what you said i absolutely correct. Actually i keep attracting people thats the worst part of me and i cant resist to stop that because i do that all the time i dont know why i keep searching for the perfect person instead of being loving self. So i ask you to can you just say how to stop attracting and searching the love instead ?

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Jen

Reflecting on the wounds from the past can be a positive healing process, thank you.
I was positioned as the parent during my childhood and seem to attract those that need parented, and if I am going to be completely honest about it, then I become resentful about having to parent. This cycle inevitably leads to conflict and abandonment, a repeat of my childhood. These heavy emotions cloud access to my spiritual self.
I am currently experiencing the tail end of the cycle and have added mandatory spiritual connection times through out my day so that I can let go of how it ” should” be, keep my heart open, drop the judgement, and react mindfully.

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syed

Higher soul is the supreme commander of all souls all filled with love compassion, most powerful and pure soul. And each soul has a karmic account to be settled before its rebirth

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veronica

HI Shelley,
I have read some of your advice, but I still don’t know how to leave the relationship Im in. Hes not a violent or horrible person, I just don’t love him or myself anymore. I feel really lost

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Shelly Bullard

Therapy would be the best option. What you have to get to the bottom of is this question: Why am I willing to stay with someone who is abusive and more importantly, what will it take to leave? That is a deep internal question and only you can find out the answer for yourself.

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Jacky

Thank you for writing this article. It really resonated with me especially the section about ego and higher self. I have been in and out of relationships and done a lot of self improvement work. My last relationship ended about 3 months ago and by far it has been the most meaningful because I entered it in a healthy space and left it when things started to become unhealthy.
We had a core deal breaker which is to have a family or not and decided before we started to grow apart, it would be best to be apart.
I do wonder though, how to manifest the relationship I crave. I’ve tried affirmations but honestly do not want to one in on such specificity. My last relationship was with someone who truly surprised me in many ways and not someone I could have imagined. I really want to be open to something like that again. Any tips?
Thank you again for your article. I’ve done one of your courses already and really love your voice, not literally but figuratively :). Namaste Shelly!

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Nuria Acevedo

Hello Shelly!
Love your articles.
I think I have a big problem. I am always attracting the wrong guys for me. I am always attracted to them. Why is this? deep inside me I know they are not good for me but the attraction wins and I stick with them until they leave me and I suffer. They just play with y feelings and nobody takes me seriuously. I want to attract a good guy for me and start a family. A boyfrind who respects me and loves me for who I am. whats wrong with me? I know i deserve better and want better. What do you advice me?

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Nuria Acevedo

Thank you for your reply Shelly.
I would love to take your coyrses but I live in Mexico.
Any advice of how can i do self love? How can I change that ?

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sandra

Hi Shelley,
Just wanting to say hello and thank you for your article on why we’re attracted to the wrong person.
It makes so much sense when you say its your wounded self. I see this with a couple of years ago when i fell in love with a young man that was totally wrong for me at that time because i was so insecure in myself. My wounded self must have attracted him. Im learning to now just be with myself and learn about myself before i fall in love again.

I think when your operating from your higher self you are free. The higher self is freedom but mind you i do struggle operating from it most of the time. Its easier said than done!

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Shelly Bullard

Yes Sandra. Love what you said above – right on! Thank you for sharing with us! xo

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Pratik

Hi Shelly,
i am 20 yrs old. your wisdom is very true, but i am feeling lost, unhappy, sad constantly, i am a very emotional guy, i easily get hurt or feel rejected by the actions of my partner, i am going through tremendous emotional stress, i want to make my relationship very happy nd full of emotions, love nd care, i am unable to find the solution i am suffering from this problem from last 1 year, i want to feel loved, valued , but all i have in my mind is all negative emotions, i am trying to push them away the more i resist the more it shows up. my relationship is the most important part of my life…the hapiness in my relation is enough for me to go through any chalenging situation…it gives me strength when i feel loved and valued…i am a person to whom emotional intimacy means a lot. it would be a favor if you could help me find the solution the mindset by which i can attain love hapiness and peace…fear is the most frequent emotion i feel in any circumstance…please help me get out of this mental stress.

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Shelly Bullard

You have to find the stillness and peace of love within yourself first, then everything else will fall into place. My two courses Manifest Your Love (http://manifesthim.com/) and How to Become the Most Attractive Version of Yourself (http://mbg.to/Wiurd5j) will teach you how to do this. Even as a man, these courses will still help you a lot.

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Deborah

Shelly,

You really hit home with me Loving ourself should be the number one thing we must learn. Because without it we cannot Reach Out to one another until we find the inner love we have within us. Sometimes we have to look back and face the truth of the past so we may move forward. Thanks again, Shelly

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Claudia Maria

Dear Shelly,

believe it or not,
I have been through this process, having a really harmful experience in my newborn relationship
It was soo hard and hurting what my finace said to me …. and soooo unfair, but without having read your article, I did exactly this thing
believing in my Higher Self, that I am a precious gem, (I even told him that) and staying in the love and respect for myself
aaaaand staying in the love for my fiance … believing in his Higher Self and telling him that
and all turned around these very past few little hours ago
to all lovers out there: stay in the place of love
forgive yourself your own ego attacks
let yourself be authentic
but also let your partner be authentic
and love him or her despite of all
I wasn´t sure, I could have a relationship again with him
but I assured him that I love him and that I keep this memory in my heart of him as a caring and loving man … the man he has shown me in the beginning
and believe me …. pheewww dear friends, what he said to me was insulting, humiliating … I was sooo shocked, that I thought my blood stopped circulating
but again, I told him that I am precious and a beautiful tender flower, at least for myself
no matter what he thinks of me … and that I am loving, despite of all … this is my heart, my choice, my life and I have choosen to be loving
and this was the miracle touch to his heart
he turned suddenly around
hahahha, we can made a holliwood movie out of it
I will tell you then, when it comes to the cinemas
love you all and be sure, this is the only way, you can turn your whole life around… okay some little other things too like eating well, making a good plan for your work… exercising and so on… but Shelly thank you to spread this wisdom and insight, you can contact me and we can work on my story to use it as a real proof of what you are teaching
love always

Claudia Maria

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Debbie

I do not know how to discover this love within myself. I don’t know how to feel I am loved and lovable. How can I get to this when my experiences in relationships have not mirrored to me that I am this? I read this in so many places – find the love within, know you are worthy etc – but for me this is words.

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Alex Kate

Hi Shelley!

After reading this, so many of my past relationships make sense. Over the last year, after my last break-up, I have been working hard on healing my ‘wounded self’ and I feel like a completely different person to the person I was last year. I have genuine love for myself and I’m so grateful for everything I have; I can’t stop telling people how happy I am! I view difficult situaations differently and my anxiety about the future has almost disappeared. I feel like the ending of my last relationship early this year was a massive catalyst for this change and I see it/him as lesson that I needed to learn in order to move forward, but for some reason I can’t forget about him. He never treated me badly, we just didn’t work. He didn’t want a committed relationship and I did. My need for attachment definitely played a role too, but I’m reluctant to blame the ending of the relationship entirely on that, as I don’t believe blaming myself for anything is healthy. But, I’m still so attached. Even though I know my worth, love who I’ve become and can’t get enough of life, I can’t quite shake him. Any wisdom you might have would be so appreciated… I want to continue my already very exciting path, but something is keeping me stuck!

Love and light

Alex x

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Alex Kate

Hi Shelley! Thank you so much, this was incredibly informative and practical advice! I feel more ‘unstuck’ already. Love and light xxx

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Patti

I enjoyed reading this article because I wasn’t aware of us having a higher soul when it comes to love. Being able to find this and move on when it’s an unhealthy relationship. I want to be strong and be able to move on on this level. Leave my ex’s behind and find a healthy love. Don’t know how I will do this because I have a child with this man but I’m determined to learn through Shelly and be able to succeed in love. I’m tired of pain, hurt and feeling powerless as a woman and when it comes to love.

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Shelly Bullard

Patti, Beautiful affirmation girl! Yes – keep listening to your heart, listen to the truth within you, find yourself, accept yourself, love yourself, and you will create a whole new reality. We’re here for you! xoxo

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Crystal

Shelly, all I know is I was about to make a really bad decision and I read this last night and I was able to relate and understand it completely. It just made complete sense and I’d kind of heard it in my therapy sessions but not to that extent. It helped me reflect and make the right decision. I know there’s wounds but my goal is to work on being more aware of what triggers them so I can break this cycle and move on in my life! Thank you for this amazing insight!

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N

Hi Shelly, I can completely resonate with your article.I got divorced 3.5 yrs back but am still not able to move on.Well getting divorced from him was the best decision I ever took after getting married…but am emotionally damaged now though I know our relationship was toxic as he is a narcissist..I have a question how I got attracted to a narcissist…is it not possible to change a narcissist…though I blindly trusted him…he never respected me not even as a woman…finally I had to divorce to which he agreed.You know somewhere my heart always was right about all his negative qualities…still I am stuck with him wish I was with him only as am not able to move on to another guy as am not able to trust myself anymore..am not at all connected to myself then how do i connect to my higher self..i have turned completely negative full of negative thoughts negative vibes…could you pls help how to connect to higher self when I myself lost connectivity from my own soul.Thanks

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Shelly Bullard

If he’s operating in “negative” energy, then it can only mean one thing… you are, too. When you change yourself, who you attract changes, too. If you want to learn how to connect to your higher self and raise your energy, then I highly recommend my course: Manifest Your Love –> http://manifesthim.com/ xo

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Heather Hill

Really awesome article! Thank you for your succinct words I really wish I could afford your course. The qualities of my higher self are: (1) love, accept & be grateful to myself first then everyone and everything that comes my way (good & bad) without judgment or conditions; with empathy as I know that I am worthy, valuable, capable, and powerful enough just as I AM! So amazing that as I was writing the last sentence in my journal my 3rd eye started moving as a reminder that my higher self also TRUSTS my intuition! How do I plan on being more connected to my higher self: (1) Think, Act, Feel, Believe that I am worthy & valuable as I am without having to DO anything to prove my worth and value. (2) Do not put my worth & value based ono what others say and do (3) No longer be scared to be hurt or vulnerable. What is the worst that could happen? I am no longer the helpless abused lil girl that is trapped in the situation so I do not have to feel this anymore.

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DJD

Hi Shelly;

I just signed up for your emails and read your ebook. THANK YOU! You are truly an
inspiring wonderful lady! I finally ‘get it’! It just took some one, some angel, like
yourself, to ‘wake me up’ (or shake me up!) and now I really understand. I have a bit
of work ahead of me but really truly look forward to it as it is for me – my healing – my
becoming the best ME I can be, worthy of love, devotion and happiness ♥ I forward
your emails to all my friends, and thank you sincerely again for your beautiful words of wisdom!
Hugs and Smiles! DD

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Marzi

Hi shelly
I’m in the beginning of the way. My higher self confesses that I am valuable, loveable and full of great capacities . So I try to believe this truth and do my best to make a good love relationship.
Thanks
Marzi

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Kirsty

I ended a 20 year marriage with what I now realise was a narcissist. I have no regrets with my decision but I do struggle with overwhelming feelings of loneliness and a lack of purpose in my life. Your article begins to explain certain aspects but I am uncertain how to move forward in a positive way.

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Loran G

this described myself in many ways. my 3rd wife my teacher we split up in 2012 because the fact of she is an Alcoholic, I saw this early in the relationship and I figured she would change after giving birth to our Son. she did for a whole 10 months then it was right back at it. I would not leave because I promised her over our unborn child that I would not raise him in a broken home. my family is tightknit very close her family on the other hand not so much. We wanted our child to have that type of home. So I kept my Mr. Fixit hat on till she said enough Loran just stop trying to get me and mom to talk and be close it want happen! boy was I the fool when she left me this time she took our child and ran to mom all well and good that is where she should run to for help hen I saw just how much of a fool I really was. My ex wanted out for a long time and I just didn’t see or I did but I was waiting to make the first move when our child was older I was waiting things out big mistake on my behalf.
what I learned from this and reading over your article is very simple I new a long time ago that I was better then this and to raise a child like this I just hoped for his sake that things would change or he would tell me daddy lets just leave. he got me to quit smoking for him so I was waiting things out all the while knowing that we both where better then this and we deserved better. I am all the better person know a new man as you would say and a work in progress in myself both Spiritually and Physically. God always came first before country and Family know I just pray that he watches out for our child who I think really doesn’t understand what is going on here because he is special needs himself. So when the Time is Right God will tell him what to do I always tell him the Truth will set you free and God doesn’t like liar’s he knows this from our time at church. so know that I know what your talking about hear I know that I was in the right place at the right time because I know I deserve better and I will find better for myself.

thank you
Shelly

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Tasha Smith

Wow, Shelly, you know you’re stuff! This article hit the nail on the head for me. My past relationship uncovered so many inner wounds, I’m surprised I made it out alive! I became a negative, controlling person. My low self-esteem and self-worth was so bad that my boyfriend didn’t even take me seriously. Instead of loving each other and lifting each other up, we just drained each. And now that I think back, I never really loved him, I just didn’t want to be alone.

The best part was that, my best friend was living with us at the time. Living with the both of them was one heck of a struggle. His toxicity didn’t sit well with her strong personality, and when he lashed out at her– she fought back. They despised each other, and I was in the middle, confused and slowly becoming more and more disconnected.

Even how terrible everything played out, it all had a purpose. If it wasn’t for all of us living together for those 2-3 years, I probably wouldn’t be where I am now. They were both my catalysts to an amazing, eye-opening blast of self-awareness and self-growth. I truly feel like I could never, ever let myself fall into that downward spiral again.

Shelly, thank you for sharing your loving knowledge with us and taking the time to read our stories. What you do is truly amazing and I’m very happy I found your site!

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lynne

after a 25 year relationship which ended on Christmas day….the penny is finally beginning to drop…..no one else is responsible for making me happy….in fact they can’t do it….l am the only one who can change my attitude to anything…l realize l have relied very heavily on my ex to ‘make it better’….childhood issues of abandonment have blighted my 56 years!! and to be honest l wore him out!!!
Its very scary though being on my own….and all manner of terrors rise up to bite me….what if l never find anyone and l am alone for ever? etc etc.
Truth is l really don’t want to attract anyone yet because l’m still not healed…..l’ve got a lot of work to do on myself…..but hey l’m quite excited and l’ve got you to help me..xx big hugs…lynne

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lynne

just to add…….men don’t seem to even notice me…..either they can read my negative vibe….or l still hold the wound of being unseen/unheard????
but l’m not too bothered this red hot minute..when the time is right, the right one will appear….lol
lynne

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Shelly Bullard

Yes. People always respond to us based on what we believe/feel about ourselves.

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Tara

Wow, I just read this and can’t believe how it made me feel, I got goosebumps! I have just ended a 15 year marriage and in 16 weeks have attracted people that I feel I need in my life at the moment but know deep down are really no good for me. The thought of being on my own draws me to them but they are so wrong for me and make me feel worse sometimes. After reading that it affirms to be I am worth more and I will find love when I am happy with me and not until. Thank-you soooooo much xxxxxxxx

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Nicole

Thank you from the bottom of my sensitive heart. I believe you spoke to ME today. I have been going through something this past week and this made cry tears of joy. I have read it twice already and feel so much better.

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Anthony

Hi Shelly,my name is anthony i was married and spent nine wonderful years with my gorgeous,seductive,kind,loving and adorable wife.those were the best days of my life.we have two beautiful children,our son is six and daughter is age four now.unfortunately my wife passed away suddenly two years ago,i’m devastated until now.she was honestly,my best friend,my companion,my love and my other half of my soul.she was apart of me in every way and me apart of her.we connected with our mind,body and soul.
My question to Shelly is after have an experience with someone that completes you.is it possible that i may find someone like that in my lifetime again.i humbly look forward to your swift response.thankyou

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Shelly Bullard

Yes! Of course it is. We can feel that way with many people. It all has to do with the Completeness we find within ourselves.

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Jessica

You have no idea how much I needed to read this tonight. Your timing was impeccable!! I’m at the end of an 8.5 year relationship. A very unhealthy relationship at that. It’s true when a heart breaks it doesn’t break even. I have been hurting so bad for about 4 weeks because of the lies and knowing I have to let go. But ever since I started reading your messages (starting last night) I already feel so much better. I AM wounded and have been for a long time. My spirit is broken. But I’m determined to heal! To get my happiness” back and never allow myself to let myself go again. It’s time to let my soul grow. I’m taking the power from him and it feels SO darn good!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!

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Taryn

It has taken a lot of years of self doubt, many experiences of self destructive behavior, and a life changing amount of work accomplishing self love to get to where I am today. I am aware of my worth of love and happiness and I have found someone to share my life with who sees my potential. I’m lucky in that sense , however, I do still struggle now and then with doing what’s best for me. I know what makes me happy as long as I have the courage to do so. I love hearing and reading your message and love the reminder that I have the ability to be the best me I can be. Thank you!

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jean

I’m just out of a long marriage with lots of kids: covert narc situation. Left the Catholic faith as a result, and focused on kinder, gentler, more generalized well-being. Started an office job after being home for 20 years. WOW! Walked into an amazing situation! I work with people (in person) all day long. Love these customers. We have FUN interacting. Fantastic co-workers, too. We love each other like family. But outside of work, i have no ability to connect, except to my children. The kids know the job isn’t paying the rent, and we’re all scared and tired, despite the more ‘open’ attitude towards love. (And yes – the covert-narc is still in town, and affecting our lives, while not working, etc.) The practical issues are there…. If I can attract SOME kind of special love (financial, emotional connection – any healthy love -….) to the kids / home, we hope to nourish that love “in-house”. That’s the goal. Ideas?

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Charlene

Shelly..you really do hit everything dead on. I’ve been dealing with a break up for the past 5 years, unable to move forward and this article is exactly how I feel. Unable to love, feeling like I’m unlovable. Not that my ex has made these 5 years easy for me coming in and out of my life. It gets a little less painful everytime, but the question why does he keep walking away, is stuck in my mind. I’m glad I found you online.

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Lydia

Hi Shelly, I very much enjoyed reading your free e-book and now your blog. Thank you for those. My challenge is to attract a man with whom my relationship is complete on a romantic level as well as on a friendship level. Currently, I’m in a platonic relationship with a man who says he loves me but there is absolutely NO intimacy between us. We’ve been friends for years but nothing romantic ever developed between us. I appreciate his companionship but I’m not satisfied on an emotional or physical level with him. On the other hand, my last romantic relationship was a very satisfying one physically but it was with a man, with whom I had absolutely nothing in common. Though we liked each other a lot, our relationship was mostly about sex and very little else. These are two typical scenarios for me. I’ve never had a relationship, where I had it all. Based on my experience and what I’ve read from you, I suppose I would like to develop my confidence and a greater sense of self worth. How will I do it? I’ll practice the three steps you describe in your e-book. Let me know if I’m on track. Thank you so much for sharing. I too am glad I found you online.

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Shelly Bullard

Thank you for sharing. Yes, you’ll do it by finding LOVE. Real love. Within yourself. So happy you found my site, too. xo

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Dawn

Hi, I discovered your article by chance on the net.. and may I say it’s very inspiring and true , something’s are still a little hard to get my head around . I have attracted all bad men since I was 18 … I was very shy and unhappy child when I was young .. I grew up in my teens the same but didn’t understand wot it was. I got married at 21 it lasted 17 yrs but was unhappy if I say so .. very depressed and unloved and I ended it .. I had 2 relationships after which was the same controlling , mental abuse , physical abuse .. now I’m on my own of 3 half yrs. I find it very hard to live myself and I’m negative .. the past has scarred me .. still suffer with depression and now fibromyalgia.. but I’m not giving up all I want is love and happiness. . I have done a lot of thinking while on my own about who I am but I get confused .. I do no that I must love myself more and not be so negative … and am def trying your outlook on life I’ve got to do something I’m getting on now and want a life where the bad times won’t matter they are getting alot more distant now ..

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