One of the biggest complaints I hear from people is they get caught in a pattern of choosing unavailable partners.
While we all have different thoughts about what “unavailable” specifically is, I think most of us agree that it centers around the following:
- A person doesn’t show up for you the way you want
- A person doesn’t share himself or herself with you the way you want
- You don’t feel like you receive enough in the relationship
While you may think overcoming this pattern starts with finding the “right” person who will always be available to you, this is not the case.
Issues in relationships begin within us, so in order to break this pattern, you have to address what’s happening inside you, first.
With that, here are the 3 big reasons that people attract unavailable partners, and tools to break the cycle:
1. You might not be as available in relationships as you think.
If you want to be with a person who feels available to you, then the first rule is: You have to be available to that person! Unfortunately, many of us aren’t as available as we think we are.
Even if you’re considering your partner’s feelings, thinking about him often, and head-over-heels in love with her, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being available in your relationship.
While showing up for a person in a caring way is very important, being available also means you show-up in an authentic way.
In a true way.
In a real way.
And this is where many of us go wrong…
Here’s the deal: when you’re not being the real you with someone – when you mold or change yourself to please him – you technically aren’t being available in the relationship. This behavior sets you up to attract people who also aren’t available to you.
So how do you change this?
Practice being the real you!
Express your disagreements (respectfully, of course), share your true feelings, and being who you really are regardless of what the other person thinks.
The more you expose your authentic self in relationships, the more you will feel accepted, seen, known, and cared for by others, too.
2. You might be confusing sacrificing yourself with being available.
People who chronically over-give in relationships typically end-up with unavailable partners. This is concept I discuss in detail in my course, Manifest Your Love, because it’s where a lot of people go wrong. Here’s the simple reason why:
If you’re a chronic over-giver, then you sacrifice your needs for other people. And when you sacrifice your needs for other people, guess what? You end-up feeling sacrificed!
Over-giving is a behavior we use to compensate for not feeling good enough.
On an unconscious level we believe that by giving, we’ll get in return. But it doesn’t work that way!
Instead, when you sacrifice yourself, you feel used, burnt-out, and taken advantage of in relationships. Not fun.
So how do you break this pattern?
Catch yourself in the cycle of over-giving and stop doing it!
Notice when you are falling into your people-pleasing patterns and make a decision to not do it anymore. Stop saying “yes” when you really want to say “no.” Learn how to set good boundaries.
When you stop giving yourself in ways that don’t feel good to you, you’ll automatically attract partners who you are less likely to “take” from you as a result.
3. You aren’t being available to yourself.
This is the biggest issue of all. When you change this, everything else will fall into place.
The most important lesson in relationships is this: People will treat you the way you treat yourself.
Until you’re accepting, loving, caring of yourself, it’s going to be very difficult (um… impossible) to find a relationship in which you’re treated this way, too.
Many of us think we’re being accepting of ourselves, but when we take a deeper look, we find that we’re actually pretty harsh with ourselves.
We don’t accept our true feelings, we judge ourselves for our mistakes, we have critical self-talk. All of this less-than-loving behavior sets you up to feel unloved with other people, too!
So how do you change this?
Create practices of treating yourself the way you’d want a partner to treat you.
The more you love and care for yourself, the more you feel love from other people as a result.
The pattern of attracting unavailable people is highly frustrating, but it’s something you can overcome. The more you practice being completely available to yourself, the more you’ll experience others being available to you, too.
Please leave a comment below telling us one change you’re going to make to make yourself more available in relationships. I look forward to hearing from you.