How to Escape the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic in Relationships

Have you ever been caught in the pursuer-distancer dynamic in relationships?

You know the feeling… you move towards your partner while he moves back? He moves back and you move towards him? It’s a dance in relationships that we hate doing! And yet… it happens. It happens a lot. 

In the short video below, I’ll discuss what the pursuer-distancer dynamic is… why we get caught in this cycle in relationships, and how you can get out. Click below to watch.



Please leave a comment below telling us about your experience in the pursuer-distancer dynamic in relationships, and what you’re going to do to overcome this pattern and rise in love.

With deep love,




Wow, this came to me at exactly the right time!
I’ve been wondering because there’s this guy I’ve never had a relationship with but it’s like a “phantom” relationship in which we have both worn the pursuer/distanced hats FOR YEARS!

Because I believe we attract/repel relationships for growth, I’m actually wondering about “phantom” relationships. I seem to be manifesting MANY men but as soon as I begin having a contrasting thought (NEVER on the physical plane though, only saying it to someone, I feel as though my word becomes my wand and the universe whisks the man away from me…it’s happened several times now and I’m wondering if my internal dialogue is the problem. I do want to actually experience a relationship on the physical plane, this keeps happening! Please help!


Thanks so much Shelly for explaining this dynamic so clearly. When I have felt this dynamic in the past, I have left the relationship to only experience in the next one. I’m determined to face my fear rather than do a runner next time.


I feel like my partner and I have actually switched pursuer-distancer roles. I hope that is a step towards overcoming! Maybe seeing each other more clearly? Thank you for sharing <3

Shelly Bullard

Yes! We all have the capacity to play both part! It probably is a sign of the dynamic working through your relationship. Nice work!


I am in this situation. So if I start to come to terms with never being left.. does this ultimately change his run away behavior as well? I don’t think I can ask him to tell him he will never lose his freedom or get lost.


Hi Mae, You can’t tell him what to do (in fact if it comes from you he might reject it for that simple reason), but in my experience improving our own wounds/behavior has a direct effect on improving the behavior and relationship dynamics of those around us.

My question to Shelly though, is you mentioned that we never actually lose our freedom- but that’s not true because there is such a thing as being trapped (for example people who are literally in jail, but of course there are many other ways). I understand how we an always incarnate love but I don’t see how we can always incarnate freedom.

Shelly Bullard

When you change, the dynamic of your relationship will automatically change, too.


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