How to Recognize Your Soul Mate

Many of us have pondered the concept of Soul Mates before. What is a Soul Mate? Do I have one? And if so, where is mine? The idea that there is one special person created just for you is too juicy not to consider.

I definitely believe in Soul Mates (in fact, I’ve manifested mine using the techniques I teach in my course), but my definition extends beyond the traditional idea of The One.

I personally believe a Soul Mate is a person you’re inexplicably drawn to be in relationship with. I believe they are brought into your life so that you can grow and expand into the best version of yourself.

Let’s think about attraction for a second…

We come into contact with many, many people throughout our lives. And we’re attracted to some of them. But there are only a few that we’re so attracted to that we feel a desire to be in a relationship with them.

Why is it that we are called to get into relationships with just a few people?

It’s because when it comes to attraction, the unconscious is leading the way. Love is not logical; it’s of the Soul. And the Soul knows a thing or two; it’s pretty damn smart. It’ll match you with the very people you’re supposed to be with – and it does this through attraction.

When you feel a strong urge to enter a relationship with another person – rest assured – it’s likely you’ve found a Soul Mate.

Now, of course this doesn’t guarantee the relationship will last forever. Nor does it mean it’s going to be a walk in the park. In fact, you can be pretty sure that you’re going to come up against some challenges with your Soul Mate.

Because where there is potential for the greatest love, there also is potential for the greatest pain. Soul Mate relationships include both.

I know, I know, you don’t want this to be true. None of us do. We all want the love without the pain. We want bliss without breakdown! But, it isn’t possible.

How come?

Because both love and pain exist WITHIN US. What is within us is going to show up in front of us, especially in our relationships.

Unresolved issues that reside within us will always rise to the surface in potent relationships. Many of us may be quick to write-off our relationships when the going-gets-tough, but I’m here to assure you that challenges aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s supposed to happen this way.

What does not come to the surface cannot be healed. We have to look our demons in the eye if we want them to go away.

People spend a lot of time questioning whether or not they are with the right partner, and usually this question arises when we feel pain or discomfort. But what if we shifted our perception a bit… what if we understood and accepted that discomfort is part of the deal?

And this doesn’t mean that we act carelessly with our partners or stick around in relationships that are too awful to tolerate…

But what I am proposing is this: What if we recognized that discomfort comes from within us (no, it’s not their fault) and that it is telling us that we need to change?

What if we actually took responsibility for our uncomfortable feelings and approached them as a call to become conscious – to learn where we struggle the most and try to grow beyond these setbacks?

Jung said, “Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.” Pain is the opportunity; it literally is the call to wake-up and change.

To personally evolve means to grow through the things that challenge us the most. Our Souls long to do this – we inherently want to become greater people. Deep within us we are driven to make our way through struggles and emerge victorious. Our Soul Mates are the people that give us the opportunity to do so – they trigger our issues to the surface so we can look at them and grow.

And how do we move beyond the issues that get triggered in relationships?

By choosing love instead. 

You can say that all feelings are categorized as either love or fear. To state the obvious, love feels good; fear does not.

To grow simply means we transform experiences of fear into experiences of love. There are many simple and difficult opportunities to do this within a relationship.

Choosing love means seeing people (including ourselves) beyond their mistakes.

It means seeing the potential in our partners, even when they can’t see it within themselves.

It means we are kind, compassionate, understanding, and forgiving, even when it’s hard to do.

It means focusing on the good in somebody else, rather than the bad.

It means consciously committing to work through our stuff; to clean up our side of the street.

Your Soul Mate is someone to grow with. This doesn’t come easy. This person is going to challenge you in many ways, and that’s okay. Don’t write-off your relationship because it’s difficult at times – understand that the difficultly is an opportunity for you grow.

The next time you start to question whether or not you have a Soul Mate, take a look at the person or people you are closest too. They are your Soul Mates.

Quoting Jung once again, know that “in all disorder there is a secret order.” The people in your life are here to help you become a better person… to expand and grow in love.

All you have to do is accept the challenge.

Please leave a comment below and tell us your experience with Soul Mates. I look forward to hearing from you!

Comments

Anita

Hi Shelly,
I believe that I am caught in a catch-me-if-you-can cycle in my relationships. I believe this is because I am an Aries and I just love the chase, this is love as far as I know it, but how do I move on from this. I want to be able to grow my relationships past this stage. I have this Soulmate with whom I had this intense instantaneous attraction about a year ago. I tried to work things out using concepts you spoke about in past blogs, being the person that you want to date. I took this to mean, if I want fidelity, I have to be faithful, if I want love, I have to be loving…this was so hard to practice but I never quit because I had faith that there was something between us. Sadly I can’t say that were boyfriend and girlfriend, however this experience was something real to me. I didn’t get to see him for over a year and I still kept the faith that I cared about this man and with him I have had the most emotional experiences ever, i.e. I loved him the most. I ran into him again recently after asking God for help, because I missed him zoo much. ..and then I saw him at a new gym I joined. I obviously still had feelings for him but since he had been ignoring me for months I had to respect his decision and was cordial and kind as I could be. The only thing is I didn’t know what his feelings were towards me but I continually catch him looking me over and the other day he was really upset that I was talking to some guy and he let me see it. I am done with second guessing his actions or motives. Could he have feelings for me…his actions were so atypical?
Or.., how can I move from this cerebral knowledge that I have been ignoring to actually loving him?,…I am just scared…I need some manageable steps.

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Freda

Hi Anita,
I’ve had a similar experience with a guy, a virtual relationship based on texting. It’s been several months and he just doesn’t want the physical contact. He’s going through a messy divorce and it seemed I came into his life as a social experiment for his ego! I kind of told him that the other week, in a nice way and the texting has kind of stopped. I’m waiting for him to txt me as he’s a busy man! I don’t get him either and he has never made a future plan and talks about being alone for the rest of his life. He used to say “I’m a one day at a time guy”! Go figure! I figured, I really don’t need to put myself through his pain any more. I have let go and this has made me a stronger person. Good luck Anita and all the best.
Freda xo

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jean

Yes, it’s true. When we’re “the best person we can be”, we’re told we’ll attract a soul mate. It sounds like MANY of us attract soul mates who will not connect, in the end. It’s ALMOST connected. The person seems to be there, but somehow….. the connection is severed by fear, or past experiences, or something……. That’s why i’ve decided to accept the pain for now, not over-analyze it, and know it’s okay to cry. I’m strong AND weak at the same time, and that’s perfect, for right now.

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Renee

“You can say that all feelings are categorized as either love or fear. To state the obvious, love feels good; fear does not. To grow simply means we transform experiences of fear into experiences of love. There are many simple and difficult opportunities to do this within a relationship.

Choosing love means we see people (including ourselves) beyond their mistakes. It means we see the potential in our partners, even when they cannot see it within themselves. It means we are kind, compassionate, understanding, and forgiving, even when it’s hard to do. It means focusing on the good in somebody else, rather than the bad. It means consciously committing to work through our stuff; to clean up our side of the street.”

This is really sticky stuff for me…I read this idea maybe a decade ago (I believe in John Wellwood’s book, “Love and Awakening”) and have been working with it ever since. I have grown a lot as a Being, yet I seem to continue to attract very lopsided situations where I am really the only person “in” a relationship…the factor that seems to be missing for me is discernment. I can spend years on my side of the street focused upon working on how I can show up better, how I can grow as a person, how I can love more and fear less. But my partner is never doing the same, he’s actually doing everything he can to not be in true relationship with me, and this only intensifies over time. Its so painful.

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Randi

Renee – It’s been over a year now since you posted, and I pray all is well with you and you have moved forward and thru some of the challenges you wrote about and come out the other side with some peace and clarity.
Something caught my attention in your comment. My feeling is that you have been so focused on working on yourself (a good thing) that maybe things would fall into place if you focused on the other person with love. Come from a place of joy and love of yourself and let it just rain down on your mate. What are his needs, desires, and goals; and how can you celebrate those with him? Just a thought….

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Tanya J.

WOW!! Thanks so much Shelly Bullard – You are so positive and this was not what I was expecting. Most things always leave, leave, leave. But, what I’m learning about Love is it’s unconditional! I do Love someone who is very afraid of being in a relationship again. He will tell me he loves me, in love with me, I’m his wife, but then doesn’t answer my text or phone calls. It is a long distance relationship, so that’s hard for me. He’s going thru alot with his health also and has pushed me away with that. We’ve been friends for a while. I do believe him & I’ve asked God what to do and he says “Just love him”, “He needs you to love him, treat him like you want to be treated”, “he’s loving you a lil different than you may want”. It has been hard because I have my own insecurities & it’s been uncomfortable, but I’m going to trust God. Also, I’ve been reading the “Love Dare” & exercising it. We will see what happens. Oh, eventually he will answer me…Thanks again Shelly!!

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flirting online

This one doesn’t apply when conversing to a possible date on line
but it really could be preferable to get these issues fixed before
meeting in the flesh. This can be one of
the most frustrating things and can turn off your partner
as this is an indirect way of telling your partner that you don’t respect their feelings and time
and that you have better things to take care of. In a country where nearly half
the population lives alone, singles will continue to find ways to connect with one another.

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Liz

I found my soul mate online, at 61 years of age.
I’d met a man just prior to that, who was absolutely obsessed with horoscopes.
He told me to find a man with the most compatible Chinese animal sign to mine,
and I did, and he’s the only man I can say I’ve met in my life, who I truly feel is
my soul mate.
Also, in the 3 1/2 years prior to meeting him, I read lots of psychology books,
and learnt truck-loads about how our childhood emotions play out in our adult
intimate relationships.
From other people’s experiences that I’m aware of, adults from broken homes
nearly always have a problem trusting that their adult partner won’t leave them,
as happened in their childhood, with one of the two most important people in
their life.
Heartwounds, by Tian Dayton was recommended to me by a psychologist
friend, and contained a lot of answers to queries we have about other people’s
behaviour. You can recognise lots of people you’ve met in your time in that
book. You can also recognise yourself, which feels like a miracle. :)

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Janna

Thank you for sharing! Your post gives hope to people like me who can be cynical about finding love. Finding your soul mate at 61 – wonderful! I will certainly check out Heartwounds as well. Cheers!

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Kirsten

I LOVE this: “What is within us is going to show up in front of us, especially in our relationships”

Great article. Thanks for dropping your love wisdom into our lives.

You are a gem. Xx

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preeti

hi, shelly , one guy loves me n even i too but there is no mutual understanding between us. he asked me to get marry me but the thing is no mutual understanding so i rejected him now he says me to stop compeletly being in contact not even friend he dnt want to b in contact but i m not able to leave also not able to say s in delmma plz suggest to do….

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Corri

Hi Shelly,
I enjoyed your article because I too hold a lot of theories about soul-mates. I have one question for you, do you believe that people other then a romantic partner can be a soul-mate, and if so do you think we can have more then one ? I believe this to be true, I feel such strong connections with one or two friends but I have no romantic pull towards them. I feel they are much my soul-mates as my romantic partner. Thoughts?

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Shelly Bullard

Yes – I believe everyone who powerfully impacts your life in any way is a Soul Mate. And I know that we can have more than one romantic Soul Mates, because I have. :)

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gads

Great article! I currently live platonically with a soulmate. He has hurt me as much as I have hurt him. Each time I have had to acknowledge that the hurt I have caused him, though unintentional, was a result if a weakness inside of me. I have loved him deeply for almost a year. But he has made it plain that while I am one if his closest friends, there will never be anything more between us. He was not going to change his mind. While I toggle between anger(I have treated him better and given to him more than any other woman has), grief(Im 8 years older than him) and a sense of closure, I continue to treat him with kindness and generosity because its the right thing to do. I believe that is the lesson of the soulmate. To bring the ego into check and to make us humble and grounded about our very human-ness in all its true limitations…what our pride and egos perceive is our own illusions confined only to within us.. By seeing ourselves in our soulmates, it forces us out of the ego-grandiose castles we build in our minds. We see ourselves mirrored out in the world. Sort of like watching yourself on film. There is a disconnect from ourselves that forces us to see how we are moving about and truly engaging with the world. Thats pretty humbling. Because we see what we truly are. A face in a sea of 6 billion faces. No more important than the next person in this scene of little things. We then realize its how and who we love and how and who loves us in return that gives us value.
I love him still. But its with humility and its unconditional….but still a little sad.

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Janna

Hi Shelly,
Thank you for your idea on what a soul mate is. I tend to have this fantasy that there is just one, mega dream-lover who the word soul mate encompasses, yet, I see your version of what a soul mate is to be true as well.
My dearest soul mate and I appear to be unable to stay in a relationship together. We click so easily, then what we have just dissolves as if it hadn’t existed. I experience physical pain at being apart from him and yet must accept the circumstances. I have faith in God to see this relationship through.
Thank you for your article!

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Nicci

Thank you Shelly; this dropped into my life at just the right moment and helped me turn a situation of total resentment and fear into one of understanding and love, with this being especially helpful:

“It means focusing on the good in somebody else, rather than the bad. It means consciously committing to work through our stuff; to clean up our side of the street”

Thank you so much from the other side of the pond
x

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Nina

Hi Shelly

I just separated from my husband two years ago and the divorce is almost final. While I was separated I met someone that was 10 years younger then I was and we connected and bonded really well. The problem is he is married and my principals do not allow me to be with a married man. He has loads of issues in his marriage but at this point unable to leave his marriage. I think of him constantly and I know he does too because from time to time I get texts from him. At the same time I want to respect my morals/principals. I am very grounded and have strong boundaries where he is concerned. I am doing my best to let go and move on or maybe I am just reading too much into the whole situation. What is your take on this situation?

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Allison

Oh, wow… what a relief to discover that the Soul Mate relationship I’ve been chasing all my life doesn’t really exist & that I haven’t ‘missed out’! Had a number of horribly challenging relationships & as you mentioned Shelley, the attraction was strong. Was beginning to think I have really poor judgement. Will be more mindful in looking for the lesson! Thanks!

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Nokwazi

Hi
am really glad to know about Shelly she taught me a lot about relationships,and attracting thee one,am a single mother of 4 my fiance’ passed on in 2008 and Idecided to stay single since then ,but something happened on my way to town ,met this guy we exchange numbers but to me it was about business as we talked about that on our way ,something strange happened i de velop feelings with this guy he tald me from the very first day that he loved me,now am pregnant to his child and we going to get married in december ,he always called me and sending me nice messages his the one Iwas waiting for
thanks SHELLY
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

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kirsten

Thank you for this eye opening article! It was a breath of fresh air and enlightening! Just what i needed!!! Thank you!!

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A

Hi Shelly,

What about those soul mate partners that bolt as soon as the going gets tough? I’ve had a number of partners who our relationship began wonderfully, with both of us falling for the other whom id consider soul mates, but then a few months in, leave saying it’s just not working. I’m left feeling like the relationship hadn’t yet ran its course and like we should stick it out, but they don’t seem to agree. Is it my role to then insist we do, to see if we can get over that hump? Do they think I am not their soul mate? Or do they, they are just scared? I’m frustrated with this happening and don’t want to settle for a not-soul mate relationship.
Thanks!
A

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Shelly Bullard

It means your belief system expects (on some level) that “people won’t stick around.” Meaning, the fear is in your vibration so you keep playing it out. The pattern will change when you do — when you energetically believe that there are plenty of people who want to stick around with you and feel into/ believe into this new reality. Then, the pattern will shift. So, coming back to soul mates… the ones who leave are still your soul mates – they’re reflecting you back to you. They’re message is: “Hey, you don’t really think people will ever stick around.” They’re giving you that message so you can change. xo

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Garima

hi shelly
i’ve had many relationships in the past and they all have started wonderfully but over time i experience a downfall…it seems like the person who once fell in love with me now wants to change me..like now they are no more interested in me.. like as soon as i get attached to them they start to drift away.. and this happens a lot.. when i start to get love someone they take me for granted and when i am over that person they seem to be crazy about me.. now i dont understand whether i should love them or maintain a distance…
also i want my current relationship to work but the pattern seem to repeat.. he was earlier crazy about me but i was a little unsure about him,now that i have fallen for him he takes me for granted.. what to do?

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Shelly Bullard

You’re relationships are mirroring the duality within you. As you grow into a spiritually whole person yourself, your relationships will contain/reflect more wholeness, too. Thanks for your question. xo

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garima

“duality within me” can you please elaborate a little and thank you for replying :)

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Shelly Bullard

“Duality within me” refers to our limited nature of seeing the world as good/bad, right/wrong, black/white. The TRUTH of TRUTHS, the divine perception of oneness, sees that duality doesn’t actually exist. We are all Love, and nothing can never not be love. The mind doesn’t understand this concept… the heart and body know for sure.

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Christine

Hi Shelly its true and hard finding a soul mate ,am in a relationship now,and he’s a really nice person so far ,i have not meet him yet physically and am feeling strong for him ,i will let you no how it turns out when we meet ,but for now its building,thanks again for the insight.

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Caro

I appreciated reading this, and am intrigued by the Jungian quotes.

Are there any treatises by Jung that specifically impacted you? Would love to know, and thank you for this lovely column.

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Nerine

Your insight to love is spiritually spot on, it’s so nice to have this guidance 4 months into my relationship at a time when I feel like running (as usual) but I know I could evolve instead. In my 20’s and early 30’s my relationships were easy.. 7 years and 5 years and they simply adored me and I never had challenges. Now in my late 30’s
after having 5 years alone I’ve found a match and we deeply care for each other but he also triggers me and it seems allot of subconscious fears are coming to the surface for me to deal with, and although it’s uncomfortable I know I need to do it regardless if I’m with him for ever or not.
Thank you Shelly for being a channel of messages for me and many others.. It’s all an experience at the end of the day and i am in his life for his development as much as he is in mine for my development… This concept that our relationship challenges are to help us grow is the way forward.. as long as we are growing and not stunting our growth I think is the key to know if you are with a one of our soul mates on our journey..xx would love u to come to Perth and speak at Secrets in the garden. Nerine x

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Anthony Love

In a nutshell, my insecurities and self-doubt which manifest negatively in my interactions, so I have never been in a relationship. I’m working on myself. ITs hard because I don’t know what to fix other than my mindset which is hard in itself. When I feel great about myself without outside validation I’ll be cool. I feel like everyone you meet is a soulmate because we learn from every interaction.

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Zwang

Anthony Love,

Working on yourself and not the relationships is a sign of being selfish.

Turn those interactions into something beautiful.

All the best

JungleB

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Susie

Shelly, what an awesome article. I agree with it so much! I believe that challenges in relationships are opportunities to grow and learn as individuals and as couples. Unfortunately, the man I was in love with and with who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, bailed when the going got tough. Bailed while telling me how much he loved me but that we were not right for each other. He could not/would not see that the conflicts that we were having as we were getting ready to move in together were normal power struggles that we could have worked through with love, compassion and communication. So I guess he was a soulmate from the standpoint of all I learned from that relationship, one thing being that it takes two people committed to work through having ourselves triggered, I can’t do it alone. Thanks so much! I am going to take your course to lead me to my next soulmate!

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Natalie

Thank you Shelly! Your posts are always so insightful and offer me a fresh and uplifting perspective on my relationships. Your messages always seem to be exactly what I need to hear at the time as well! Thank you so much. The biggest lesson for me is learning which behavior comes from a place of fear and what comes from a place of love and learning to trust and choose love.

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Karen

I am in a relationship with someone. I met someone else that I feel is a soulmate. I keep getting drawn to this other person. I never intended to leave who I am with but I am not sure what to do. Should I leave my original relationship for the soulmate. I love both people but the new relationship is attracting me more and more.

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April

In my case, it’s not my partner exactly, but the relationship he brought me. With his daughter. At first, we hated each other (bad divorce will do that to kids and the new partner). I came to see that my feelings were coming from fear and rejection and wondered if I could heal myself so that I could approach her from a better place. With God’s help, I did and I did. I now have to wonder if she wasn’t placed before me to make me confront my own insecurities and heal old hurts. We are on great terms now – my relationship with her makes me a better, stronger and more loving person. And my partner and I are better than ever! Bonus!

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Nathan

Great to read all of this advice. The trouble with relationships, especially the close ones, it takes quite some time and patience to develop bonds and assist each other. After building friendships for a while you sense curiosity to see each other again without any words said which therefore becomes habitual. Sometimes too life throws us a surprise and then decide from there. Thanks a lot Shelley.

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Maria

I believe we all have a soulmate. I believe I have just met mine. So happy and proud to say and when I least expected it. It came naturally. Unexplainable… when he told me he had my back on a situation… (by the way he is my attorney) he grounded me at that moment. As we continued having now personal calls, he has said to me that I am the first thing in mind when he wakes up in the morning. That I am on his mind 24/7. I said this myself ‘I found my soulmate’. That is all I need to hear. Btw, we kept the business relationship apart from the personal. I am still paying him for his services. :)

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