The secret to feeling unlimited happiness in your relationships is learning this simple yet radical practice:
It’s not your partner’s job to “give” you anything. In fact, when you let go of trying to “get” from him or her, not only will you feel incredibly happy in your relationship, but your partner will feel more inspired to give to you naturally.
Why this this true? Well, trying to “get” anything from another person is just bad news. Let’s start with talking about why that is:
Expectations for someone to give you something (especially a feeling-state) leads to dependency in relationships. When you feel like its another person’s job to fill you up, it automatically means you’re not filling-up enough on your own. It’s very easy for us to project our needs onto other people and expect them to fulfill them. This is not what a relationship is for! If you feel insecure within, then it is your job to connect to a sense of security inside yourself. Doing so will allow you to loosen the grip of trying to “get” from someone else.
Second, it’s a futile experience. Again, no one can give you a feeling state that you don’t consistently feel on your own. You’ll feel disappointed again and again if you’re trying to use another person to fill up your cup.
And finally, trying to “get” from people pushes them away. You know the feeling… someone nagging at you for something? And you sense there’s a bottomless pit behind their nagging? This does not feel good – it automatically strains relationships and pushes people away.
So if you’re familiar with this pattern of trying to “get,” how do you change it?
You create a spiritual practice that connects you to fullness within.
Spiritually speaking, we are all whole. However, most of us don’t relate to ourselves this way. We think that we are incomplete, which causes the need to “get” from others. This mindset is called your ego.
Creating a spiritual practice drops you below your ego into a place that no longer needs to get. It’s a place of stillness, silence, and here and now. It this internal space, you fill yourself up. When you do this practice consistently, ironically, your partner and everyone else start to feel completely inspired to give to you.
Creating a spiritual practice (like meditation, yoga, or daily internal reflection) is the jumpstart to changing how you relate to other people. It teaches you that, despite what your ego tells you, you don’t have to “get” anything from anyone. Everything you truly need is found within (radical, I know… but true). As you practice this more and more, you’ll automatically bring this wholeness into other areas of your life. And here’s what happens in your relationships as a result:
You feel independent. Not in a dysfunctional way that pushes people away, but in a way that you stop grasping at others. This produces an ultimate sense of freedom in relationships; it’s the experience of acceptance and non-attachment.
You realize that happiness is truly infinite, because it starts within you. No more waiting on other people to feel good; you rely on yourself to connect in. Love, happiness, and wholeness are inside of you, and you get to experience them as much as you want.
And finally, people are drawn to you. Strongly.
When you’re connected from the inside-out, you beam. You have a graceful confidence that’s impossible to miss. Suddenly everyone wants to be near you. You actually start effortlessly “getting” from others in ways that you always wanted, because you stopped trying to make it happen.
Practice finding happiness and connection within yourself first and your relationships will transform into the best you’ve ever experienced. You’ll let go of the clinging and grasping that accompanies being dependent on something outside of you; you’ll let your partner be who he or she is, and you can be you, too. This is what it is to experience true bliss in love.
Please leave a comment below telling us how you’re going to practice connecting to the fullness within you, so you can create the relationship you’ve always wanted. I look forward to hearing from you.