How I Stopped Dating "Unavailable Men"
If I've learned anything from this work, it's that relationships mirror our beliefs back to us. The patterns that occur in romantic love are clues about what we believe about ourselves, others and love itself.
I know this concept through and through. I've dedicated my life to helping others transform their relationships by changing their internal realities.
So you can imagine how annoyed, frustrated, and disheartened I felt when just a months ago, I was still attracting unavailable men.
Again? I'm feeling this again?
Apparently I had more work to do. (Ugggh.)
Relationships are a process. It's a journey, not a destination. You don't arrive at perfection with another person and stay there forever. The whole point of intimate connection is to usher us into growth.
This - believe it or not - is what keeps romantic love interesting. It shows us EXACTLY where we need to grow.
So when this dynamic of "unavailable man" appeared back in my life, it was obvious I had more work to do. Here's what I did:
First I recognized this truth: The only way to change a pattern in relationship is by changing yourself, first.
I knew that in order to break this pattern of experiencing men as unavailable, I had to see how I was being unavailable for love.
I started by asking myself some tough questions:
- What are the ways I'm being unavailable in this relationship? - What beliefs are keeping me from fully committing to this person?
I actually wasn't surprised by what I found...
Turns out, I was terrified to be "all in" with this man!
I was being unavailable for love!
When I got real with myself, I recognized that I'd chosen to date "casually" as a way to keep one foot out of the relationship. I got involved with a man then moved across the country! I mean… how unavailable is that!?!
The reason I did all these "unavailable things" was because deep-down, I feared being in a deep, intimate relationship. Turns out I still had some fears about love...
I feared losing myself, feeling trapped, love not lasting, feeling stifled, feeling limited, getting hurt...
I was scared to really BE in a relationship so naturally that feeling of "unavailable" arose right in front of me... in him!!!
This is how it works. What we believe about relationships APPEARS in our relationships . The "outside" is always a direct mirror of what's happening inside you.
Once I understood my part in the situation (that I was being unavailable), I could move onto the next step: Choosing to believe in a different relationship-reality.
I asked myself more questions....
- Could I believe that by making myself available to a man, I could feel more fulfilled in my life? - Could I surrender to Path of Love... risking that I might get hurt again, but that I also might experience a deeper love than I ever have before?
When I asked myself these questions and listened to my truth, the answer was a resounding YES.
Deep within my heart, I knew that by becoming available for love, I would become happier than I'd ever been before in relationships.
Now, over a year after that experience, it's proven to be true.
I'm in an incredibly devoted relationship that's exploring the deepest levels of love that I've ever been in. This relationship wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't made these changes to become more available for love.
My work today in my relationship continues to be a practice of being available for love.
- Showing up
- Opening my heart
- Really going for it!
- Being present
- Being committed
- Showing the parts of myself that are vulnerable, so that they can be reached by Love, too
I'm happy to tell you, the formula's working. :)
The moral of the story is this:
In order to create the love we want, we must search within to understand why patterns are occurring in our relationships.
When I finally recognized that my own limiting beliefs were holding me back (that I was being unavailable for love and that's why I was still dating "unavailable men"), I had the power to change.
This was the only way for me to attract what I really desired - a relationship with a man who's fully available to be in a relationship with me (my fiance... the love of my life).
This process changed my entire experience in romantic love, and it can be that way for you, too.
So now it's your turn...
Do you have a pattern in relationships that you're ready to change?
If so, answer the following questions as a way to start your transformation process.
- What pattern am I repeating in my relationships? - What beliefs or fears about relationships are keeping me stuck in this pattern? - What do I need to believe instead for this pattern to change?
The answers to these questions WILL transform your entire experience in love.
I want you to remember that any challenge that reoccurs in your relationships is a challenge that is reoccurring within you.
It's simply a place where you've forgotten Love.
When you choose to face that challenge and change your beliefs, your relationships will AUTOMATICALLY change, too.
Please leave a comment below telling us one belief that's keeping you stuck in relationships, and how you're going to shift it. I look forward to hearing from you! So much love xo