Fear will surface in your relationship. I'm sorry, but it's true. It's crucial for you to understand this if you're going to be successful in love. When we don't realize that it's normal to feel scared, insecure, doubtful and off-center with the people we love, our minds begin to doubt the relationship as a whole. When we equate challenges with something being wrong, we've missed the mark on what relationships are all about. In a Return to Love, Marianne Williamson equates romantic relationships to earning a Ph.D. in love. She says, "When we're not in a relationship, the ego makes it seem as though all the pain would go away if we were. If the relationship lasts, however, it will actually bring much of our existential pain to the surface. That's part of it's purpose. It will demand all of our skills at compassion, acceptance, release, forgiveness, and selflessness." Once your heart says "yes," you better believe monumental challenges are on their way. This is the point! Love brings our fears (feelings such as doubt, rejection, jealousy, anger, frustration, overwhelm, and confusion) forward so we can set them right. Unfortunately, most of us get stumped. Why? Because we collectively adhere to the delusion that relationships should be blissful all the time. We know that relationships take work, but let's be honest, we secretly think they shouldn't be hard. Therefore when they are, we usually point the finger at our partners and miss the opportunity to face the fear that exists within ourselves. As a disclaimer, I don't support remaining in abusive … [Read more...]
Communication Sabotage: A Common Mistake Couples Make
My guy got upset with me the other night. It was just a little rift, but we haven't had one in awhile so it really got my attention. He said to me, "You think you know what's going on in my head, and you don't." He was right. I do think I can read his mind. And I absolutely can't. In fact, if I'm being real, there's no other mind in the world that can confuse me more--which is part of why I like him so much. :) Empathy and insight are two of my natural strengths (in work and in play), but these qualities are not the same as mind-reading. I forget this sometimes. Once he brought this to my attention, I could see how I did the very thing I warn others against. I let my ego take control; I choose to see fear over love. Here's how it went down: For whatever reason, hours before our presumed phone conversation I got stuck on the fearful thought, "He doesn't want to talk to me tonight." Mistake #1: I *knew* he didn't want to talk to me way before our conversation even existed! I convinced myself this was true, despite any evidence (a good indication that this reality was only happening in my head). Had I been paying closer attention, perhaps I would have noticed this red flag. I didn't. The fearful thought remained in my mind as my phone rang. And what did I do? I approached our conversation as if he was disinterested, of course. Before we even got going, I was distant and short. Within a few seconds I ended the call abruptly (yes, I said seconds), failing to even ask how his day was. This, of course, was not very kind and didn't feel so good to my … [Read more...]
This Is Why You Push Your Soul Mate Away
I believe there are people we're supposed to be in relationships with. I call these people our soul mates. One of the most interesting things about soul mates is sometimes they're the people we resist the most. You'd think we'd run to our soul mates with open arms, but often we end up running in the other direction. In this article I'm going to discuss why we feel an impulse to push our soul mates away, why other's give us advice to do the same, and how to change this pattern by accepting your soul mate and signing up for the relationship of your life. As a Love Coach, I often get the question, "How can I get over this person?" Then they describe the relationship: I've been in love with them for 10 years, my heart just won't let go, I can't stop thinking about them, no one compares… I love answering this question. "You don't get over them," I say. "This is your soul mate." Relief emerges on the other end of the line. Partly because they know it's true, and partly because others have told them the opposite for so long. Here's the deal: we don't choose our soul mates; our hearts do. And once your heart has chosen it's not going to let go until it's ready. This is not under your control. What is under your control is if you surrender to your love or fight against it. It's a choice. Unfortunately many of us fight against it--we push our soul mates away! Why would we do such a thing? Because it's terrifying to love someone so much! When your heart is this engaged--when it feels like you're completely at the mercy of another--you better … [Read more...]
Why My Starter Marriage Failed
I was in a starter marriage. Without the marriage part. Partnered with a lovely man for four years. We lived in a quintessential home in the suburbs. I went to grad-school while he worked for a start-up. Dinner parties, game night, wine-tasting, a cat. You know, the whole nine yards. The only problem was, this wasn't my path. It took me awhile to realize this. You see, nothing looked wrong on the outside. In fact, it all looked pretty nice. I was doing what I was supposed to do, right? Wrong. I was doing what I was supposed to do if I wanted to do it. There's a big difference. While hanging out with my perfectly sweet boyfriend in my perfectly sweet home, I found myself wondering, "What am I doing here?" and even more disturbingly, "Why doesn't this feel right?" Turns out I got caught in the trap that many of us get caught in: I believed I'd find happiness if I followed the path I was "supposed" to follow. Most of us learn the hard way. It's easy to believe that there's a specific way to do life (marriage, kids, house, in some particular order). We think if we continue down this path we'll eventually arrive to the place called happy. You're supposed to move in together, you're supposed get married, you're supposed to buy a house, you're supposed to have kids… The problem is, we actually aren't supposed to do any of these things! What we are supposed to do is be true to ourselves! Many of us didn't get the memo. Maybe this is your memo. Luckily, I caught myself in the midst of unhappy and bravely spoke my truth: This isn't working for … [Read more...]
4 Steps to Make Anyone (& Everyone) Want You
There are some people who just have it. You know, that thing... They light up a room. Eyes follow them. The spotlight naturally and effortlessly is drawn to them. What's their secret? I know, and I'm going to tell you. It's called soul. People who embody soul are irresistible. Seriously irresistible. Like, I-can't-take-my-eyes-off-you irresistible. (Uh huh, it's that good.) Soulful individuals are always being pursued. People flock to them. They look good, they feel good; they've got that thing. Guess what? You can have that thing, too. In fact, you already have it. You just have to tap in and let it shine. That's what this article is going to teach you to do. Here are four easy steps to embody soul and light up a room. Get ready to turn some heads. 1) Center. The quality of being centered is strong and peaceful; assured and graceful; aligned and free. It feels heavenly to be around centered people because these qualities are so desirable to us. They also aren't the norm. We live in a fast-paced, frazzled world, so being a pillar of peace is an oasis in a very dry desert. If you flow with grace and ease, no doubt people will be drawn to flow with you. So how do you do it? Easy. You practice. Whether it's meditation (focus on your breath), mindfulness (focus on the now), or just paying attention to what is happening in the present moment, these practices will lead you to embody a sense of calm and ease. People will notice. It's a slight shift with a big impact. Train yourself to be here now and watch how others respond to your … [Read more...]
