How I Stopped Dating the “Unavailable Men”

If I’ve learned anything from this work, it’s that relationships mirror our beliefs back to us.

The patterns that occur in romantic love are clues about what we believe about ourselves, others and love itself.

I know this concept through and through. I’ve dedicated my life to helping others transform their relationships by changing their internal realities.

So you can imagine how annoyed, frustrated, and disheartened I felt when just a months ago, I was still attracting unavailable men.

Again? I’m feeling this again?

Yes. Again.

Apparently I had more work to do. (Ugggh.)

Relationships are a process. It’s a journey, not a destination. You don’t arrive at perfection with another person and stay there forever. The whole point of intimate connection is to usher us into growth.

This – believe it or not – is what keeps romantic love interesting. It shows us EXACTLY where we need to grow.

So when this dynamic of “unavailable man” appeared back in my life, it was obvious I had more work to do. Here’s what I did:

First I recognized this truth: The only way to change a pattern in relationship is by changing yourself, first.

I knew that in order to break this pattern of experiencing men as unavailable, I had to see how I was being unavailable for love

I started by asking myself some tough questions:

– What are the ways I’m being unavailable in this relationship?
– What beliefs are keeping me from fully committing to this person?

I actually wasn’t surprised by what I found…

Turns out, I was terrified to be “all in” with this man!

I was being unavailable for love!

When I got real with myself, I recognized that I’d chosen to date “casually” as a way to keep one foot out of the relationship. I got involved with a man then moved across the country! I mean… how unavailable is that!?!

The reason I did all these “unavailable things” was because deep-down, I feared being in a deep, intimate relationship. Turns out I still had some fears about love…

I feared losing myself, feeling trapped, love not lasting, feeling stifled, feeling limited, getting hurt…

I was scared to really BE in a relationship so naturally that feeling of “unavailable” arose right in front of me… in him!!!

This is how it works. What we believe about relationships APPEARS in our relationships . The “outside” is always a direct mirror of what’s happening inside you.

Once I understood my part in the situation (that I was being unavailable), I could move onto the next step: Choosing to believe in a different relationship-reality.

I asked myself more questions….

– Could I believe that by making myself available to a man, I could feel more fulfilled in my life?
– Could I surrender to Path of Love… risking that I might get hurt again, but that I also might experience a deeper love than I ever have before? 

When I asked myself these questions and listened to my truth, the answer was a resounding YES.

Yes!

Deep within my heart, I knew that by becoming available for love, I would become happier than I’d ever been before in relationships.

Now, over a year after that experience, it’s proven to be true.

I’m in an incredibly devoted relationship that’s exploring the deepest levels of love that I’ve ever been in. This relationship wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t made these changes to become more available for love.

My work today in my relationship continues to be a practice of being available for love.

This means:

  • Showing up
  • Opening my heart
  • Really going for it!
  • Trusting
  • Being present
  • Being committed
  • Showing the parts of myself that are vulnerable, so that they can be reached by Love, too

 

I’m happy to tell you, the formula’s working. :)

The moral of the story is this:

In order to create the love we want, we must search within to understand why patterns are occurring in our relationships.

When I finally recognized that my own limiting beliefs were holding me back (that I was being unavailable for love and that’s why I was still dating “unavailable men”), I had the power to change.

This was the only way for me to attract what I really desired – a relationship with a man who’s fully available to be in a relationship with me (my fiance… the love of my life).

This process changed my entire experience in romantic love, and it can be that way for you, too.

So now it’s your turn…

Do you have a pattern in relationships that you’re ready to change?

If so, answer the following questions as a way to start your transformation process (and to go even further into full-blown transformation in love, check out my course here).

– What pattern am I repeating in my relationships?
– What beliefs or fears about relationships are keeping me stuck in this pattern?
– What do I need to believe instead for this pattern to change?

The answers to these questions WILL transform your entire experience in love.

I want you to remember that any challenge that reoccurs in your relationships is a challenge that is reoccurring within you

It’s simply a place where you’ve forgotten Love.

When you choose to face that challenge and change your beliefs, your relationships will AUTOMATICALLY change, too.

Please leave a comment below telling us one belief that’s keeping you stuck in relationships, and how you’re going to shift it. I look forward to hearing from you! So much love xo

Comments

Danitza

Thank you for the entry!
I have suffered because of men that, in the first place, I wasn’t really interested, so I learned that I do not have to resign to have a relationship with guys I don’t like, but work in being the best woman I can be so I attract the best guy for me, someone I really want to be with. Now I’m avare that I deserve the best.
And well: we never stop learning! :)

Reply
Shelly Bullard

True girl! This is all about learning. We are all going to keep learning. When we make peace with this fact, life gets so much more fun!! xo

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Paula

Hi Shelly,

This post resonated with me greatly. I just wondered – would a person have to leave the relationship if both partners are suffering from mirrored unavailability, or would the change in one partner (healing) be mirrored in the other – thus fixing the relationship?

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Shelly Bullard

It can go both ways. Sometimes growth inspires the other partner to grow, too. Sometimes we grow apart.

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Rima

Hi Shelly,
what do you mean by “to be available”? I thought I was “available and committed to” during my past relationships, but the result was at every time the same, they quit.
Greetings

Reply
Shelly Bullard

You have to ask yourself what fears and hesitations you have about being in a committed relationship. If you have these (and they may be deep or unconscious), then you are going to continue to call in people who are unavailable as well. You also might want to examine your story about men – do you believe that they can truly commit to you? Or do you believe that they’ll always bail? Examining your limiting beliefs is the first step to change.

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Rachel

I was just told by the love of my life.. who I believe has become emotionally unavailable because he will not face and express his emotions.. that we cannot be together. We had recently gotten back together and I agree, I’m not prefect but I feel as though I dream about love, believe in it, and really open myself up to it but the men always quit. Amazingly, he had become emotionally available again this time around and we had found each other – the real “us” again! But that is what makes it all so sad.. Your comment, Shelly, about fears and hesitations has me admitting that my one fear was one day he would quit, again, and then he did. As much faith as I put into everything else I subconsciously did not put it in him out of fear for my own heart. And now it is hurting beyond belief …

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Erin

This is me in every way, but how does one actually start becoming available?!
I believe that becoming available would attract relationships that mirror what I really desire! But how how how do I start is the question I get stuck on

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Shelly Bullard

You start by contacting the essence of available within you, meditating on that essence so it grows and grows. This becomes your new point of attraction. The part of you that truly wants to be available is in your – in your soul. You have to feel it within yourself and let it come forward (simply by identifying with it more and more). xo

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Arum Sukma Kinasih

Dear Shelli
Thanks for your article, for many years I attracted with in a relationship men, and then again and again…so I felt scared to open my heart

When I letting go my feeling about my “attraction” with unavailable men
and I affirm in my self I open my heart,surrender to God to heal and DO to me I cried Now I promise to my self that I open my heart I make sure that I am happy with my parner and Thanks to God Gove me many Love (because Now I am, 31 years old not marry yet, my friends arround me with same age generally live with their husband and about 2/3 children, but now I am ready with many knowledge about mindful relationsip, gentle birthing, mindful parenting)

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Shelly Bullard

Thank you so much for your comment. If I understand correctly, you’re starting to find love within. That’s the journey we’re on here. xo

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Jane

Thank you Shelly!
I was always about dating unavailable men, but trully it was me, who played hard to get, emancipated “I don’t need you” woman. Dating a Orthodox Jew (I’m Christian), Swiss business guy, stripper! It’s so funny to look back on the same pattern of my relationships.. But when I met my boyfriend, after 2 dates I knew I want to invest myself into this.. Not easy to do, but he is nice, open, not playing games and we understand each other’s goals, which are important to us – but we are important to each other too. It’s only 3 months, but no insecurity, no fights.. Very different experience and I’m thankful for this.

Again Shelly thank you for writing amazing articles, which learned me how to love myself and others and saying I’m on the right way :)

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Lisa

Shelly I resonate Witt this. I have been seeing a guy for four months and I think we have got through that uncomfortable stage and established an ease with each other. I have had four weeks (3 together) away during this time, teaching abroad and things lasted but it was hairy in the 3 week stint. In the last few weeks I have noticed a pattern of him arranging fun weekends away for himself with guys ( he has been single for a while as have I, 8 years actually) When I say pattern I mean that he is back from a big party w/e in Glasgow (football) and our first night meeting post was last night and he said he was thinking of going to London this w/e for another match; I sort of showed dissatisfaction by saying I was only available Saturday night to meet ( he is available every other eve but they are work nights) He had asked me what I was doing for the holidays and I said spending them with my family, also feel its too soon to be on a 2 week break with him at such an emotional time of the year ( he has difficulties with his family so wants to travel away) so he landed it that he had booked two weeks in Thailand with his friend leaving on the 20th december. When we go out it is low key and local and I always book the restaurants ( i do not mind low key but when I make the comparison with his other outings) As a result I now do not feel like allowing him spend any time with me midweek this week and telling him to go to The football this w/e if he wants that we can meet another night. That is not how I really feel of course, I have been hurt and I am frightened of commitment too. All my friends say have fun, keep it light, but watch the signs and make an assessment without confronting as his behaviour is his behaviour. Also last night at our low key meal despite knowing I had a big car bill at the weekend he did not offer to pay ( he did pay for our last meal out). I know this is a more complex issue but I wonder if I am mirroring any of his behaviour and if we need to talk about exclusivity and why he wants to jet off again this w/e. Or is the writing on the wall, and I have chosen somebody unavailable

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Shelly Bullard

Sounds like you are acting out because you’re scared and hurt. You need to find peace within, then you’ll be able to handle the closeness and distance of your relationship with a little more ease. Sending love to you xo

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Candy

What do you do when you realize you’re with someone you just don’t even like anymore. My husband & I have been together for a long time & I’ve come to realize that we’ve just grown in such different directions I can’t ever see us pulling it back together. In addition as the yrs have gone by he’s become less available & meaner. I know that leaving is inevitable but what do I In the meantime do in the

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Kelsey

Great post. I have definitely noticed a pattern with the last few guys I have dated – all unavailable! I’ve only recently realized that I hold myself back for the same reasons you did! I’m nervous about losing MY self, MY time, MY freedom, but what I’ve also realized is that the best relationship won’t cause me to lose these things, it will only give me someone to share the journey with. Thanks so much for sharing :)

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Pam

I realized the other day that I’m afraid of a committed relationship because I believe the man won’t stay interested in me, and will leave after a short period of time. The pattern plays itself out repeatedly, and has gotten to the point where guys who seem interested don’t even ask me out! Why should they if I’m projecting such fear and hesitation! Now I see that my beliefs about what I deserve and what a relationship means really are setting up what I’m getting.
Not sure how to open up exactly, but it’s a good start to be aware of this.

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Shelly Bullard

Awesome that you pinpointed it, Pam! Now the work is to connect to the love within you (Source, Spirit, Soul). When you create a consistent spiritual practice, you begin to feel safe and secure from the inside-out; you will automatically open as a result. xo

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Jodi

Always love your writing and your ability to distill behaviors. Thank you so much for your meaningful and substantive writing on relationships. It’s really helpful to see things through a different lens.

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mlg

Shelly, thank you once again for getting beautifully to the heart of the matter.

I used to pick men that were unavailable also…as in married, separated or already in a relationship. I kept wondering why I was never “chosen”, and why is someone else always finding these guys ahead of me. Was I not good enough?

I’ve been doing A LOT of work on myself, including a focus on self-love, self-esteem and your online course. Your course is the most targeted material I have encountered to date dealing specifically with these issues.

I recently embarked on a new relationship, doing so with eyes fully open, allowing myself to be vulnerable, and not being in second pole position, so to speak. The “not enough” feeling came up again just this week, but I was able to sit with the feeling and find as in which there is more work to do.

Thank you so much for this work you are doing!

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Shelly Bullard

Thank you so much for your beautiful feedback, and for sharing your journey. We are all learning, and you are definitely going in the right direction. Lots of love to you xo

Reply
Kym

Thanks, Shelley and others for sharing your experiences. I’m right there with you on
repeating patterns I do not like with men. It seems my pattern is to find
underemployed (or unemployed) guys with substance abuse issues. OK, I used to
be a drug and alcohol abuser but have been clean with the dope for decades and
have not had a drink in over 3. Seems the pattern remains. The latest man to show up in my life, I met in a yoga class. I was thrilled. Here is someone I met doing what I love is (presumably into a healthy lifestyle) but he, too, comes with the above-mentioned
issues. Better than several of the past fellows. Apparently, I still have something to
do with substance abuse/addiction that is not clear. While I’ve stopped using any of
the mentioned substances, there must be some way, shape or form that I am still
tied to addictive behavior. Yes, I am underemployed but have a good income from a variety of sources. Never did figure our what I wanted to do or be so never made a
career choice, just did what I could to keep the ends meeting in the middle and
learned how to save and live frugally in order to save and invest so I could provide
income in that way. Thanks for letting me share. Any feedback from anyone is
welcome. May we all be able to work through our patterns that are less than helpful
to find our way to true happiness, love and fulfillment, whatever that looks like for
each of us!

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Shelly Bullard

Hi there. Thanks so much for openly sharing your story. A couple things come to mind: are you actively participating in your own recovery right now? If not, I would join a community to do that. And it sounds like even though you no longer use (nice work girl – you’ll like my article next week!), you need to look at your codependency tendencies. Al-anon or Coda meetings can help shed the light on that. Love to you! xo

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Me

My problem is that I have men approach me, but then nothing happens past that. Some of these men are actually men I’m interested in and would actually date. They approach, flirt etc but then never ask me out! I can’t help but feel “What’s wrong with me?” that thet do this, but I’m never chosen. It’s actually emotionally and physically draining! I’m not sure what I need to do to fix it! I’m about to just give up totally!

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Shelly Bullard

It’s because you are holding the belief “I’m never chosen.” That’s what needs to be changed.

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Dorynutta

Shelly,

What about a man who is always there, but emotionally unavailable? How do you inspire change in him to want to share and open up to you? I have been dating a man for nearly 2 years now and we are always together, but I haven’t the slightest clue as to what he’s thinking. We talk, but never about anything deep. He always puts up a front that he’s happy and can handle any issue, and he does by himself. He never comes to me for any help or advice. I feel left in the dark.

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Shelly Bullard

Do you share your deeper truths with him? Do you open yourself to him? Do you authentically share your feelings? I would encourage you to start there. He may or may not be able to meet you in the practice, but at least your authenticity will come forth.

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Me

How do I change that way of thinking? How do I go from “I’m never to chosen” to “I am chosen or I will be chose”?

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T.S.

Move away from the attitude that you have to wait to be chosen. Women are the choosers of men and always have been. You shift your mindset from “hoping to be chosen” to “I am the chooser and you are blessed if I choose you”

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Jamie

Shelly, beautifully written and explained, as always. But reading this makes me sad and confused. I have FINALLY gotten away from the “I’m not good enough” destruction. For the first time I’ve been in a relationship with someone on the same level with me intellectually, professionally, core values, etc. For the first time I allowed my wall to crumble and open my heart to complete vulnerability. I am definitely ALL IN. Why, then, have I ONCE AGAIN attracted a man who is emotionally unavailable?! :( To have found someone so compatible in so many way is huge for me. As the relationship has progressed over the past 15 months, he puts on the brakes every time it should naturally go to the next level. He admits it’s because of him, not anything I’m doing to cause his inability to be completely available. He’d rather give up our relationship than allow himself to be vulnerable and all in. I’m having such a hard time letting this go but banging my head up against the same brick wall over and over is wearing on me. And then I wonder – why, again? What work have I not done to have attracted an unavailable man – again??

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Shelly Bullard

Hi Jamie. I’m not sure exactly what has happened, but the reality is we all have blocks and vulnerabilities and fears that hold us back. If I were counseling the both of you, I would be looking at what happens when his fears surface? Do you get angry, punish him, back away? Or are you understanding, able to be with him in his hesitations, and supportive? No one is perfectly available all the time. The practice is continue to trust enough to open your heart, and to have compassion (rather than anger or distrust) when other’s close their hearts. Sending love xo

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Jamie

I sure wish you were available to counsel both of us! My reaction to his pushing me away has been varied. Confusion, distrust, walking away (in hopes that he will realize I’m the best woman he’s ever had and finally let me in!), and lots of hurt. He tells me he can’t be the man I want, available at arm’s distance. Says he doesn’t want to be all in and may never again. So I’m left with unmet needs, feeling like I’m still doing life alone. He keeps me in a compartment. Doesn’t bring me into all areas of his life and doesn’t want to come into all of mine. It’s been 15 months. I feel like I’m getting crumbs when I desire and deserve the whole loaf! There is definitely love between us. But will he ever be able to love to the degree that I desire? How long can I wait in hope while feeling neglected? One of your articles was totally us – I have abandonment issues while he has suffocation issues! I wish this wasn’t soooo hard!

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Shelly Bullard

I feel you grasping and trying to get him to be what you want him to be. This will never get him to be what you want him to be. What if you just tried accepting him where he’s at? Accepting that he’s scared, accepting that this is all he can give you right now? If you let go of needing him to be a certain way, it will be much easier for him to soften as well. This will feel much better for both of you. When you center yourself you can make a more centered decision about whether or not this is the relationship you want to be in. But right now, you both are acting out your fears. Relationships are the ultimate spiritual practice.

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Jamie

Thank you, Shelly. Your perception and advice is right on. Whenever I have moments of being centered and accepting, he gives so much more! Then my own issues crop up and the cycle starts all over again. Your words have resonated with me. Being centered is definitely something derived from the spirit and takes practice and work. You have answered my question on what work do I still need to do. Thank you. You are awesome. Such a great gift you have. If you are ever in Chicago, you need to let me know! xoxo

Anya

Hi Shelly,
Thank you for this article – very interesting.
I have been with this guy for now nearly 2 years – with many ups and downs. the guy was really nice and romantic at the very beginning and then things started to fall apart, we never go out, i heard rumours that hes cheating on me – hes denying it, im seeing psychotherapists already 3 years and they say i have low self esteem, my relationship is making me feel worse, but i feel as though there is some chance it could survive if i only changed something about myself. he doesnt communicate with me, just comes over, we have sex and then he leaves in the morning. and still reassuring me that i need to relax, and thats he cant talk now cos hes at work, but then never calls back to talk after hes finished work.
I am trying to talk to him – but he doesnt communicate saying hes too tired, its like we are speaking two foreign languages – there is nothing apart from the sex (which is great).
Am i unavailable, and am i dating someone unavailable?
Thank you for your help x

i

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TrueStory

Hey I love your articles,Okay so I answered those 3 question but first background…Ive never even had a real “boyfriend” I just have major crushes that end in me doing the chasing and ending up alone, cut off and feeling stupid. And whats worse is that I dont let go of my crush easily, even if I never speak to them again I will cry over it and stalk them online as if we’d had a relationship, that is until I start crushing on another guy then the cycle just repeats. All the guys that I know want me and try to at least make a move on me, I am physically unattracted too, and sometimes I don’t like the personality either and most of them don’t even ask me out. It depresses me to even go out with guys I’m not into because it makes me feel like “I don’t like this guy!” “is this my love life? forced to go out with men I dont want??” Any way back to those questions:

What pattern is repeating in your relationships?
– Rejection, Clingy, He distances from me, I chase, I try so hard, I plan elaborate things to be around him, my unreciprocated feelings, or he may not even get close to me just subtily shows interest or doesn’t show interest. When i tell him how I feel, it just gets swept under the rug or he acts like i’m not really saying what I am saying or he may just take it as a compliment.

What belief or fear about relationships is keeping you stuck in this pattern?
– That he doesnt like me , that i’ll be rejected, that his interest is temporary, That I wont find some one new I like or that this new guy will only end up the same way.

What do you need to believe instead, in order for this pattern to change?
– That I am lastingly attractive, That men I am interested in are interested in me and will show it, That the relationship I desire will happen for me. That I am worthy. etc, etc

But how am I suppose to convince myself of this when all evidence is just contrary? Ive never even gotten close!

And Ive done spiritual work and I’m still trying but I have so many other things I gotta be concerned with…Why does this have to be so hard? I have so many friends with good relationships, that didn’t have to chant or meditate or do mirror work! It just happened for them. Why not for me to?

Please help, I’ve been alone I can be independent, I am available and open but no one is coming in…I’m so tired of this…Please help anything you say will be valued.

Reply
Shelly Bullard

You do the work not to get a good relationship, but to have a happy life. You can look at all your friends with “good relationships” but you don’t know what’s really happening for them. We all struggle. We all have obstacles to overcome. This is yours. When you (baby step by baby step) start to believe in yourself from the inside-out, your experience with men will transform, too. My eCourse would help a lot: http://www.manifestyourlovecourse.com. Lots of love xo

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TrueStory

Hey Shelly, Thanks for your reply

And no matter how unfair it seems, I know that you are right, I have to do something because its been years of the same dead end. You program is solid but its not in my budget right now so i guess i’m on my own in that area but I am glad that you’ve gathered such info that helps so many women. Take Care and thanks again.

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T.S.

To TrueStory, I learned in my own journey that doing Spiritual work is not a substitute for doing Emotional work. Some spiritual practioners believe that there are three parts to the human being…the ethereal (spiritual) body, the mental body, and the emotional body.

To integrate the emotional body, a person could spend time feeling their emotions and allow the emotions to pass through. To me, letting my tears flow are like making room for a rainy afternoon.

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Anya

Hi Shelly,
Thank you for this article – very interesting.
I have been with this guy for now nearly 2 years – with many ups and downs. the guy was really nice and romantic at the very beginning and then things started to fall apart, we never go out, i heard rumours that hes cheating on me – hes denying it, im seeing psychotherapists already 3 years and they say i have low self esteem, my relationship is making me feel worse, but i feel as though there is some chance it could survive if i only changed something about myself. he doesnt communicate with me, just comes over, we have sex and then he leaves in the morning. and still reassuring me that i need to relax, and thats he cant talk now cos hes at work, but then never calls back to talk after hes finished work.
I am trying to talk to him – but he doesnt communicate saying hes too tired, its like we are speaking two foreign languages – there is nothing apart from the sex (which is great).
Am i unavailable, and am i dating someone unavailable?
Thank you for your help x

Reply
Shelly Bullard

Yes – sounds like he is completely unavailable and you are completely abandoning yourself. You’re ignoring your intuition. My intuition clearly is saying, “This guy is totally not in this relationship with you.” The biggest problem about this whole situation is: you’re accepting this type of treatment!!! Until you connect into love within yourself and know that you deserve so much more, this pattern will repeat with other men. It’s a reflection of the lack of love for yourself on the inside. He’s ignoring you, but that’s because you’re ignoring yourself!!!! Choose yourself, leave the relationship, find love within, and begin again. He’s not going to work on it with you. He has no desire. (Sorry – I’m not usually this blunt but in this case the situation is blatantly obvious to me and it seems like you could benefit from my straightforward feedback – it is done in love). My eCourse would be very, very useful for you: http://www.manifestyourlovecourse.com Sending love xoxo

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Charron

This article was a reality check for me. I thought back on my last few relationships and realized, “hey that’s exactly how I’ve been behaving.” Thank you for the helpful insight.

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stephie

I see the pattern I am ready to let go of is getting men who are too busy with other people (kids, family, friends, social activities) for me to be a high priority to them. I am just backing off from a man who was really great in a lot of ways, but too much else going on and not willing over time to reschedule other things. This man was a big step forward, very affectionate and a lot of other great things. So I feel like it’s my test to say no more of this even though there were other things very right.

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Shelly Bullard

Yes. Great! Also, what this tells me is you have to prioritize and make time for yourself. Think about how you might be able to do that, too. It will help a lot. xo

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stephie

Thanks Shelly. I have my own business. I have global clients and I work a lot. I just decided I’m taking off a week for Christmas and going to Las Vegas!! :)

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T.S.

I have found that being honest with myself about how I feel, and really honoring my emotions, helps me a lot. I attract better relationships this way, it seems.
When I’m real with myself, I can be real with others.

I also used to fear constraint in relationships, which sounds like a masculine trait.

But the reason I did fear being held back and limited by a man, was because my father was very controlling as I grew up. He wouldn’t allow me to date, or to have my own interests actually. He wanted me to fit the mold he made for me. He wanted me to be a medical doctor and be “independent” from men.

He hated when I tried to tap into my feminine side.

Because of this, I feared surrendering to a man and his direction.

Now I know that there are many wonderful men out there and that a good man wants me to be happy. I know that my life is better because of the men in my life. I’m real with myself about craving a good man. I don’t jump in a relationship and give my heart easily. I’m open to getting to know someone, and will let love unfold.

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Shelly Bullard

YES! When we’re real with ourselves, we can be real with others AND we attract people who are real with us!

When we can be with ourselves in challenging emotions, we attract people who can be with us in challenging emotions. It’s always a mirror!

Beautiful wisdom, T.S.

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Nicole Tyler

Thanks so much for this article….it hit home for me…. As I reflect on my previous relationships with men and my current relationship. I see the patterns of my behavior and the men I have dated… being half committed to myself, not fully loving self, and going above and beyond for others and not myself, so I have attracted these types of half committed friendships and relationships in my life….now I’m starting to do the work learning on how to be fully committed and in love with self….Thanks so much

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Allison Le

Hi Shelly, I’m so glad to find you. Your lessons is better than going to a therapist. I found you in a blog Mind Body Spirit and subscribe as your follower.

I was committed in a rough two years relationship with a male who was unemotionally available in my life. I read his palm for fun when we first met; I didn’t see a heart line in his palm though. I didn’t suspect anything odd about it until now for people who don’t have a heart line are usually selfish lovers.

We never kept healthy boundaries because I thought by satisfying him, it will show a reciprocated affect. He will be devoted to me, emotionally. That wasn’t happening.

After I answered your questions, I found unhealthy patterns I was committing myself to. I do feel ashamed of wasting my virginity. Nothing can bring it back. But I’ve gain self respect. I will take all necessary actions to change my beliefs in myself.

Thanks,
Allison

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Shelly Bullard

Thank you for sharing with us, Allison. Shift your limiting beliefs and you will see the difference it makes in all your relationships.

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Moonsparkle

Thanks for the article, Shelly. :) I have a fear of commitment and I believe that’s why I have trouble with the attraction working both ways- it often tends to be that the person I want doesn’t want me or the other way round. I’ve been asking myself the questions you mentioned.

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Nikki

Here for you, Rumi’s quote
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Best,
Nikki

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Shelly Bullard

Yes, Yes, Yes, YES Nikki! One of my favaorite quotes ever, Nikki. And SO TRUE!

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Diamanté

Hi Shelley
Thank you for sharing your beautiful work, it is something I always look forward to and a true insight to what many people need guidance with. To be honest I kinda had a hard time reading this because this described me but I didn’t know how to put it into words let alone be honest about it with myself. I think I was in denial by thinking it was men that was unavailable when really it was me….this gives something to work on and I’m really looking forward to great results. Thank you kindly!!!

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Shelly Bullard

Dismante, I’m so happy that you had that insight! It is a hard insight, but a very important one to have. Now you can do the inner work – shifting yourself into feeling, “Yes – I want to be available for love.”

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Lady

So I am looking into starting your e course but I am known for just jumping into everything and anything to find solutions to my problems and not sticking to it. I currently started my first session with a therapist for my Major trust issues and low self esteem. I have been through DV and never knew what a healthy love was. I’m with someone now we have kids together. He was cheated on and divorced as well. Doesn’t have a great upbringing. He also never has known what a healthy relationship is until he got with me that more or less introduced morals and respect. That’s when I discovered so much addiction to social media, flirting on social media, porn, tons of accounts he was on and a whole different person with me, loving, comforting, which is what really scared me. He saw nothing wrong with his behavior it was “normal for men” until I had him realize not for a family man or someone whom is in a relationship. it has taken several incidents in the past, and in reality the ultimatum I set of his family or that life that has made him cut off most social media. I don’t believe he has cheated on me physically, but because I’ve felt betrayal I do not trust him. I feel consumed trying to find him in something or feeling unworthy. I saw a youtube video you posted and you said, “To manifest we must trust” but if I have trust issues will I be able to manifest? should I start my therapy first for my issues before I attempt to manifest? Please help

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Shelly Bullard

Trusting starts with trusting yourself, first. Finding your stability within. There’s no way to trust anything in the outside world if your internal world feels uncertain. So that’s where you must start. Sending love xoxox

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MC

Hi Shelly,
I am really struggling through a breakup right now… I was with my boyfriend of 5 years. He went from wanting to marry me, to being uncertain, to wanting to marry me, to being uncertain again… and finally I made the decision to walk away and go find the love I deserve. I am devastated because I wanted it to be him. I wanted to awaken the love we could have had together. I truly believed I opened my whole heart to him and so I am trying to answer your questions so I can see where I went wrong, but I am finding it difficult. This was the first relationship that felt good in so many ways… except for that ultimately he could not commit to me. Is this really a fault of mine? Or is it him? Please help. I don’t want to end up here again, I feel hopeless.

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Jen

Hi. I never fully opened myself to the last guy. However, I knew he didn’t want anymore children (vasectomy) and the more I got to love his 2 kids, the more I wanted my own. Also, he still hadn’t gotten a divorce after 6 years of separation. (It worked this way with no fighting for him and the ex so they were hesitant to change it.) I wanted to be okay with all of this and let myself be loved, but the anxiety from the above 2 issues I felt prevented me from it. So, is this a classic case of going for unavailable men or being selfish and not unconditionally loving?

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Shelly Bullard

All you need to know is that you weren’t being available for love, so there’s no way you can feel like your relationship is available for love, either. You can only change yourself – you have to start there.

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LT

HI Shelly – I’ve taken a couple of your courses and they have been so very helpful. I have started to connect with myself and have really started to work through my feelings. As well, I see some of my behaviours and why i’m doing them i.e. continuing to text someone with the need for them to respond to get attention and validation vs just enjoying myself. I’m working through my insecurities. But it still hurts when you can’t understand someone’s behaviour and start to think it’s all you. I know I need to find the love within but what if you’re working on that? I just went through something where I met someone on a dating app. We hit it off and he seemed really into me. He actually lives about 1.5 hours away in another city. We texted a lot and the exchanges were fun and flirty. He’s been married twice and has two kids which I”m ok with. He even came to see me again. I realized that i was nervous of him coming to see me b/c I started to think of things like will he like my apartment? I bet he won’t see me again after this. So yes I realize I have some limiting beliefs to work on. But I also was more open with him than I have been with anyone. When he was with me I did let him know I want to see him again..and that’s when he pulled away. After that visit, our texts became less and less. He said he was really busy. And now we have communicated for 2 weeks. I was trying to work through my feelings that’s why I didn’t text him. I wasn’t in the right energy. Than I saw that he either left the dating app or unmatched me. It hurts b/c I actually really liked him. but in my mind i’m thinking that he found someone else. And then I think how is it easy for a guy to move on? With all the work I’m doing…is it always your fault and responsibility or does the other person have some responsibility too? I can’t make sense of this.

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Shelly Bullard

Yes – it sounds like there are fears about abandonment in there. When we carry these fears, we become perfect matches for people who fear being trapped. And then our fears play out with one another (I talk a lot about this in my video about the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic – you can watch it here: http://shellybullard.com/how-to-escape-the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic-in-relationships). So, best thing to do is keep connecting to LOVE within yourself and don’t fall too deep into the story about him. The story about him will keep you separated from love. The more you connect into the Love within, the more you will heal and won’t have to play this dynamic out anymore. Watch the video for more details about this. Lots of love to you.

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Lauren

My recurring dilemma is that I often see my partners interactions with certain women as flirtatious, and it’s causing me to lose all feelings for him. Is this really me or is it just this relationship? I’ve never had a lot of relationships, and none where they were this active on social media or friends with a lot of other women. Help, please!

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Shelly Bullard

It’s both! His energy is “leaky” (that’s what I call it) – his energy is going towards other women. But your part is this: You’re with a man with leaky energy!! So your work is to ask yourself WHY…

Why am I with a man with leaky energy?
Why am I okay with a man giving energy to other women?
What truth am I not standing in within myself?

This questions will guide you towards your transformation. Lots of love xo

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Erin

My now boyfriend and I were together for 4 months. Then he broke up with me because there was something about my past he did not want to accept. After a 7 month split and much healing of my own, he showed up one day in the parking lot of my work as I was getting off.

He made the grand gesture. He said I was it for him and he knows that more than anything now. He said he wanted to build a life with me, the ring, the babies, the house, everything.

I was hesitant and scared to trust him but I still loved him so i accepted him back and chose to take the leap. A few months in he started back peddling and now after 14 months of being together, getting a puppy, creating a cozy home, he has finally said he doesn’t want marriage or kids. He’s done both already. I have not. He’s 10 years older.

So now I’m in pain. I don’t want to break-up but I want to move forward in marriage with the opportunity of having a family of my own.

And I feel hurt, frustrated, angry, and lost.

Any suggestions? I keep looking at myself for what I can own, shift, release, strengthen, but this is so hard.

Thank u!

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Shelly Bullard

Stay true to yourself and what your heart desires. It will ALWAYS lead you to love. xo

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SA

Hi Shelly,
I have been in a relationship for almost 4 months. It was whirlwind at the beginning. The man swept me off of my feet and I fell hard for him, and he said I love you at 1 month. Things were going very well until the last 3-4 weeks. He asked me to drive 12 hours each way with him to meet his parents (one which is terminally ill), because if we waited I might not meet the one who is ill. I had noticed that the communication between us had fallen off slightly before we left for this trip. His father introduced me to everyone as his son’s “Friend”. On the way back home, we had to stop for the evening. I made the mistake of asking him if he wanted to see other people, because I was feeling insecure that our communication had fallen off and he had expressed very much enthusiasm that his former therapist was attending a show of his before we left for the trip. He also told me prior to the trip that this therapist offered to do something with him outside of therapy before (something like a date, but not sure what it was!) So, I was insecure around this woman when he was so elated about it. It was his first text of the day to me that morning. He had also mentioned that his marriage failed because he and his wife got complacent about their marriage. I asked him if we wanted to date others and also asked if he was happy, since that was something no one had asked him before. He took it the wrong way. Since then, our relationship has suffered in multiple ways, but the communication has fallen off completely as of this week. He said he needed to think deeply to find out of he had time to be in a relationship. To date, he is trying to get divorced, he has a 9 yr. old daughter he keeps half of the week, he adopted a puppy and he is moving from a home he shares with a family friend to a home he is buying. On top of that, he works 11 hour days at his job, and one of his parents is terminally ill (this happened a month after we met). I haven’t contacted him in several days since he mentioned that he needed to think things over. The last text I sent him when he texted me and asked for time was one that was very loving and that I would give him all the time he needed to think about things and not rush him. I reminded him that I loved him as well. Not sure all of this is me, or if the problem is split down the middle, Shelly?

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Lisa

I got, “You are too good for me” or some such crock. That some high quality fellow is just going to show up. While I get what you’re saying, my issue is that this “high quality” guy is obviously taken or gay. The rest don’t even bother to ask.

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Joyce

Awesome article Shelly! I can totally relate with to this as I was in a 15 year marriage that ended in divorce – my husband had two affairs during the course of that marriage. I overlooked the first affair because I was a stay at home mom with five-year-old twins. Where was I going? After the second divorce we decided our marriage wasn’t working anymore. My trust was gone. With any new relationship I have major trust issues for fear I will let my guard down, open my heart and get hurt again. How does one open their heart and take that chance knowing they could possibly get hurt again. I’ve been dating a guy for six weeks now and I so want to take the relationship to the next level and meet his kids and introduce him to my kids. It hasn’t been done yet and I think once that does happen I will be a little more secure in that things are OK. I just have my doubts about things sometimes. How does one know whether the gut feelings and fear you sometimes get is your body’s way of telling you he’s not the right one OR is it your hearts way of protecting you? I want to let my guard down and let him in. How does one know that’s what he is hoping for two? The whole thing is very confusing to me. Thank you so much!

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Joyce

I’m sorry – I said after the 2nd divorce I meant the 2nd affair ….

I don’t want to scare this new guy away by not letting my guard down. I also have issues with communication. I’m always afraid to communicate with him about feelings or where we stand in the relationship for fear that he will be scared off.

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Shelly Bullard

Good questions about knowing if it’s your gut feeling or your fear… first thing you have to do is get in touch with yourself and start transforming your own fears. Once we transform our fears, we don’t call those situations into our lives anymore. Make sense? Lots of love, xo

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Kristine Horton

Shelly,

I am in tune with what you are talking about in this article. I find myself in a pattern of choosing guys that are like the abusive men I was raised with. I either have unfinished business in this area or I need closure. I’m not 100% certain. I have a hard time choosing a guy that I truly want, one that will truly be a life mate. I pick guys that don’t have their life together. Their finances and personal lives are in shambles. They are abusive or addicts and generally not a guy I would want my friends, family or children around because they aren’t good for anyone, not even themselves!
I find myself unavailable to love now because I am scared of a really solid deep love with a guy. I’m scared or what I will have to give up or become. I’m afraid of leaving behind what I know and understand as life now behind. I want things to change but I am also afraid for them to change. I am going to have to conquer this fear and start making changes because I don’t want my life to pass me by and wonder why I’m still lonely and unfilled in my life.

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