If I’ve learned anything from this work, it’s that relationships mirror our beliefs back to us.
The patterns that occur in romantic love are clues about what we believe about ourselves, others and love itself.
I know this concept through and through. I’ve dedicated my life to helping others transform their relationships by changing their internal realities.
So you can imagine how annoyed, frustrated and disheartened I felt when the man I was involved with a year ago suddenly began to feel “unavailable” to me.
Again? I’m feeling this again?
Apparently I had more work to do. (Ugggh.)
Relationships are a process. It’s a journey, not a destination. You don’t arrive at perfection with another person and stay there forever. The whole point of intimate connection is to usher us towards growth.
This – believe it or not – is what keeps romantic love interesting. When this happened to me, it was obvious that I had to get back to work. So here’s what I did:
First I recognized the truth: the only way to change a pattern in relationship is by changing yourself, first.
I knew that in order to break this pattern of experiencing men as unavailable, I had to see how I was being unavailable for love.
So, I asked myself some tough questions:
– What are the ways I’m being unavailable in this relationship?
– What beliefs are keeping me from fully committing to this person?
I have to say, I wasn’t surprised by what I found.
Turns out, I was terrified to be “all in” with this man! I, of course, was also being unavailable for love!
When I got real with myself, I recognized that I’d chosen to date “casually” as a way to keep one foot out of the relationship I was in.
I got involved with a man then moved across the country! I mean… how unavailable is that!?!
The reason I did all these unavailable things was because I feared commitment! I feared losing myself, feeling trapped, love not lasting, feeling stifled, feeling limited…. I was scared to be deeply in a relationship!
So the pattern appeared right before my eyes… in him.
Once I understood my part in the situation, I could move onto the next step of my healing process: Choosing to believe in a different reality.
I asked myself more questions….
– Could I believe that by making myself available to a man, I could feel more fulfilled in my life?
– Could I surrender to path of love, risking that I might get hurt again, but that I also might experience a deeper love than I ever have before?
When I asked myself these questions and listened to my truth, the answer was a resounding yes.
Deep within my heart, I knew that becoming available for love would make me happier than I’d ever been before in relationships.
Now, over a year after that experience, it’s proven to be true (I’m in an incredibly devoted relationship that’s exploring the deepest waters of love that I’ve ever been in; this relationship wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t made the changes to become more available for love).
My work continues to be to be to practice being available for love.
To show up.
To open my heart.
To really go for it.
To show the parts of myself that are vulnerable, so that they can be reached by love, too.
And I have to tell you, the formula’s working. :)
We need to search within to understand why patterns are occurring in our relationships.
When I recognized that my own limiting beliefs were holding me back, I had the power to change them. This was the only way for me to attract what I really desired – a relationship with a man who’s fully available to be in a relationship with me.
So now it’s your turn…
Do you have a pattern in relationships that you’re ready to change? If so, answer the following questions to begin your process of transformation (and you can also check out my course, which takes people through a in-depth process of changing from the inside-out):
– What pattern am I repeating in my relationships?
– What belief or fear about relationships is keeping me stuck in this pattern?
– What do I need to believe instead, for this pattern to change?
The answers to these questions could transform your entire experience in love.
My final thoughts are this: Any dilemma that reoccurs in your relationships is a dilemma that is reoccurring within you.
When you face that dilemma and change your beliefs, you will see changes in your reality. Change yourself, and your relationships will change, too.
Please leave a comment below telling us one belief that’s keeping you stuck in relationships, and how you’re going to shift it. I look forward to hearing from you.