: 02 March 2014

5 Ways to Spark Passion in Your Long Term Relationship

Passion makes life good.
It’s the essence of desire. Feeling excited! Experiencing a fire within you.

Unfortunately, passion often fades in long-term relationships (day-to-day life gets predictable…and boring), and while this experience is somewhat normal, by no means should we resign ourselves to passionless love! Because let’s be honest, if we want relationships to last, passion has to be part of the deal. It’s what keeps us intrigued, interested, motivated and coming back for more.

If passion has faded in your relationship, not to fear, there are things you can do to feel it once again. Here are five ways to ignite your relationship; enjoy lighting that fire.

1) Take space.

Space is a necessary component for fueling passion in a relationship. Fire needs air to burn.

When we take space from the people we love, we inevitably long to be close to them again. This is a good thing! Notice that you have to separate first to want to come back together.

Hot relationships include waves of being close and waves of spending time apart. It’s a dance. Sometimes the dance is a little uncomfortable, but believe or not, that discomfort isn’t the worst thing; it can add fuel to the fire.

Consciously incorporate space into your relationship to heat things up again.

2) Leave room for mystery.

Contrary to popular belief, your partner does not need to know everything about you. In fact, it’s probably better if he or she doesn’t.

Sometimes we confuse intimacy with sharing every little detail. Intimacy is sharing the vulnerable parts of yourself with another person; and yes, this will produce a feeling of deep connection in your relationship. But divulging every little detail is not being vulnerable; it’s just too much information.

Keep in mind that mystery creates aliveness in a relationship. This doesn’t mean that you should withhold from your partner; it just means that you get to consciously decide what to share, and what to keep to yourself.

3) Prioritize passion in your relationship.

A common issue in relationships is that we want one person to be everything to us. That means that your partner is your best friend, business partner, co-parent, lover, housecleaner, and handyman. Unfortunately, the more roles we put a person in, the more diluted the relationship becomes.

If one of the main priorities of your relationship is to grow in passionate love, then you have to prioritize that experience above the others.

One person cannot be everything to you, and they don’t have to be! This is why we also have best friends, parents, children, and a lot of other relationships. A charge can be reintroduced in your relationship when you start treating your partner like your lover, rather than your roommate.

4) Experience yourself as a passionate person. 

Often we rely on other people to make us feel a certain way, rather than cultivating that experience in ourselves. If you want to feel more passion–in your life and your relationship–then you have to become passionate.

What turns you on? What excites you? What makes you feel alive? Do those things!

The fire that comes forth when you are experiencing passion makes you absolutely irresistible to others (and it makes life irresistible to you!). Through your passion, you get to express your creativity, love, heart and purpose. And this enlivens your life!

By committing to being a passionate person, you invite passion to enter all areas of your life, including your long-term love.

5) Grow. 

Passion inevitably dies down when the mundane takes over, and new experiences fade into the distance. Some people believe that this how long-term love goes. But I disagree.

Passion comes from having new experiences, and lucky for you, you’re human being, which means you’re growing and changing all the time. If you can show up for the growth that’s happening within you (and in your partner), it will inspire a passionate connection that renews itself over time.

A commitment to your own evolution is the fuel for a passionate life; your personal expansion will expand your relationship, too.

Again, passion is something that we all crave; life wouldn’t be nearly as good without it. Commit yourself to a path of passion, and you will light up your relationship, and the world while you’re at it.

Please leave a comment below telling us how you experience passion in your life and relationship. I look forward to hearing from you!


  1. Dawn | Sex Gets Real on March 3, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    I couldn’t agree more about incorporating space, embracing the mystery that is another person, and allowing room for your own fantasies and desires outside of what you share with your partner.
    All of that stirs passion and introduces desire.

    Great points!

  2. KrisShannon Rasbury on March 3, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    This was very informative Shelley but I personally need more examples in all 5. Could you direct me?

    • Shelly Bullard on March 4, 2014 at 9:34 pm

      Growth simply means take an interest in your deeper self – your inner world. You can do this by going to therapy or just asking yourself the question, “Who am I?” This will connect you to your growth process, and will keep your life and your relationship more lively and exciting.

  3. Martha on March 4, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    This post was very helpful. My partner is always encouraging me to be more unpredictable, but I have a hard time understanding what he means. Perhaps he is referring to the “mystery.” Must nail this! This relationship has real potential!

    • Shelly Bullard on March 4, 2014 at 9:32 pm


  4. Bobbi P on March 22, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Shelly, I was in a relationship with a man who made me his everything. He continually told me he idolized me. He always reminded me how he would jump in front of a train for me. He had no friends because he would say to me he would rather be with me than guy friends. He had no hobbies. I was his hobby. I felt smothered by all this. And when I didn’t say the same things back to him that he said to me, he began pushing me to get married. I don’t want to be someone’s everything….their reason for living….their purpose in life. The relationship ended and now I don’t feel open to men. I have had other needy men in my life. I was married to two of them. I want to break the cycle. I’m reading your blogs and it all resonates with me, but I still feel stuck. Bobbi

    • Shelly Bullard on March 23, 2014 at 8:18 pm

      Sounds like you are attracting codependent men. While I can’t say for sure exactly what’s happening for you (I’d have to know more and if you’d like to go into the details, we can set up an appointment) I would look at your patterns of both being overly independent and withdrawn in relationships, as well as you need to be needed. Hope this helps.

  5. Jo on April 29, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Shelly,I was recently told I “had no game and needed to learn how to turn a man on” and while it upset me, the person was right. I’ve been reading your website for quite some time and if you can offer any insight on how to become more of this, I’d truly appreciate it. I am pretty sure I’ve hit a brick wall regarding what exactly it means to turn a man on or even entice the flirting so could use more detail on that if you can offer it. Thanks!

    • Shelly Bullard on May 4, 2014 at 11:40 pm

      In order to turn a man on, you have to be turned on yourself. In other words, it’s not even about the man! It’s about you. The hottest thing in a world is a sensual woman who is turned on by life. I talk about this concept in this video: http://shellybullard.com/use-feminine-sensuality-attract-men/
      Good luck and have fun! xo

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