: 11 April 2013

Men, Stop Giving Up Your Power!

Ok fellas, this one’s for you. In this article I’m going to talk about why you feel compelled to give up your power, why you might even believe it’s good for other people (it’s not), and why it’s the last thing you should ever do in your relationship.
First, let me define what I mean by “power.” Your power is essentially your truth. It’s your core. Your center. It’s the way you define yourself.

Therefore, “giving up your power” is the act of bending or collapsing your truth in order to tend to someone else. It’s when you stifle yourself. When you put your genuine thoughts and feelings on the back-burner to please another person.

Just to be clear, power is not about dominating someone else. It’s not about being cold, rude, or mean (being a jerk isn’t powerful — it’s just being a jerk). And it’s also not about playing games or withholding love (we can sense it from a mile away — don’t manipulate us unless you really want to play with fire).

Power is about standing tall in your authentic self. It’s about not being afraid to be you.

Unfortunately, guys, sometimes you collapse your power in the face of a woman — you bend and change to please us. And the worst part is that you actually think you’re doing us a favor!

You’re not. And here’s why:

It may sound stereotypical, but we women like to feel like we’re protected. It’s a primal, evolutionary thing. So when a man stands in his truth, we feel safe. When a man is not afraid to be real, we feel safe. When a man doesn’t collapse in our presence, we feel safe.

But when a man bends and changes because he’s scared or intimidated by us? Not so safe.

No woman wants you to unnecessarily bend or change to please her! She may try to convince you that she does. She may push you toward doing so (Ladies, Stop Trying to Change Your Man). But trust me on this one: she really doesn’t want you to hand her your power. Ever.

Think about it for a second. Have you ever been in the position when a woman has given you all her power? What happens? The relationship loses it edge. It’s not that hot. You probably get bored easily and move on to find someone else who’s a little more difficult to manage (aka interesting).

Well, the same goes for us.

We don’t want your power. We want to see YOU in your power.

So why are you giving up your power in the first place?

Well, if you really want to go there, we can start with a little psychoanalysis. You know, the whole overbearing mother thing? But that’s all in the past. It’s not mom’s fault — she did the best she could.

There are two things that cause you to collapse in the presence of a woman now:

1. You fear the wrath of a woman

2. You fear being taken over by a woman

And I get it. These are legitimate fears. But giving up your power is not going to keep you safe. Quite the contrary, actually.

When you don’t stand strong in your truth, it makes you more fearful. The more you collapse your power, the more you feel like you have to run and hide. It’s a vicious cycle. This doesn’t benefit you or your relationship.

What you need to remember is that it’s not anyone’s job (especially your woman’s) to make you feel safe enough to own your power. You have to stay true to yourself regardless of how she’s influencing you.

Often we can get caught in believing the key is in the other person — Well, if she didn’t act so crazy, I wouldn’t run and hide. No. You decide not to get small regardless — that is a true example of a man standing in his power.

Guys, take my advice: get really clear about who you are and show up in your relationship as your most authentic self. Say yes when you mean it. Say no when you mean it. Be loving when it feels right. Take your space when it feels right. Act with honesty and integrity in all that you do.

And if you get to that place where you don’t compromise your truth for anyone, I promise you, your woman, the world, and most importantly yourself, will respond to you like the man you’re meant to be.

Please leave a comment below about how you own your power. Your truth will inspire others (and that makes a difference in the world).

6 Comments

  1. Pablo on April 16, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    Very well written piece. Love this article!



    • Shelly Bullard on April 17, 2013 at 4:31 am

      Thanks Pablo!



  2. Joaquin on May 28, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    First time in this blog. I like your ideas and your insights run deep, but the “us vs them” (women vs men) tone, even if playful, is jarring and distracting. Not all men are the same. Not all women are the same. We’re all people, that happen to be male or female. I don’t discount innate differences, but gender is not the principal one.



    • Shelly Bullard on May 29, 2013 at 6:37 pm

      I agree. 🙂



  3. Sussie on July 26, 2013 at 12:28 am

    so, the alpha male is good? – as i have been told, or given the impression that the apha male attitude is wrong – in this day and age….confused now.so a woman can’t have an input – in the end its what a mans says that goes!



  4. donald on October 30, 2013 at 12:40 am

    Shelly,
    Like everyone else I found myself trying to make sense out of something or someone rather and came across your blog. Started with the Soul Mate portion because my heart is telling me that she is that person. But I really wanted to say that this entry resonated because I have been saying this type of thing for the majority of this year. Turned 41 this year and finally understood who I was and made peace with who I was. And that was the attraction for her. I’ve been telling this very same woman who is currently dancing through my soul, that no matter what happens I will continue to love her openly and honestly, regardless of her past or mine and I’ve refused to give up the power to do that. Even when she tells me she is not worth it and does her best convince me that she will be my downfall – I don’t give up my power to love her. I can see that it drives her crazy.

    And as much as she turns and runs a few steps, she always ends up circling back. I’d like to think it’s for this very reason -she knows that if I tell her something it happens. If she needs for something it happens. I told her I would be the man to stand by her and she makes sure I have plenty of opportunities to do that.



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