: 24 September 2014

3 Beliefs You Must Have to Attract Great Love

What if I told you that your beliefs dictate your experience in love? There was a time when I didn’t know this, and the state of my relationships was proof that I was in the dark. 

My love life used to be a mess. I was caught in a cycle of trying to get my needs met and trying not to get hurt. But the same, dysfunctional patterns kept happening over and over again. No matter what, I’d end-up feeling disempowered and disheartened; like I could never get the love I wanted.

This experience went on for years until finally, during a particularly difficult time in my life, I had an insight that changed my life. That insight was:

Relationships unfold based on your beliefs about yourself. Change what’s happening inside of you, and your relationships will change, too.

This idea rocked me to my core.

Was it possible that my relationships were dysfunctional because of what I believed about myself and about love?

Was it possible that if I changed myself, my experience in love would change, too?

Fast forward three years later and the answer is an undeniable Yes.

Yes, your beliefs set the foundation for what you’ll experience in relationships, and yes, when you change your beliefs, your experience in love changes, too.

Below are three biggest beliefs that that I had to change to transform my experience in relationships. Change these beliefs in yourself, and your love life will transform, too:

1) You have to believe in yourself.

You will experience people treating you the way you treat yourself, and the way you expect to be treated. This is why we repeat patterns over and over again; we expect something to happen, so it does. This is called a limiting (or dysfunctional) belief.

Think about this concept for a second: If you care about yourself, you won’t stand for someone treating you poorly. It just doesn’t happen; you stand up for yourself (the way you’d stand up for a good friend), and move on. But when your self-worth is lower than it should be, you end-up accepting treatment that mirrors that low self-worth. This keeps you stuck in relationships that don’t work for you!

The problem is, most of us don’t treat ourselves the way we treat our friends. The way we think, feel, and behave towards ourselves can be pretty harsh!

In order to find incredible love with another person, you have to love and respect yourself. This means, you have to treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Say kind things to yourself, do thoughtful things for yourself, listen to yourself, get to know yourself. Essentially, you’re dating yourself, and you’re in the honeymoon phase!

Make this major shift and your entire experience in relationships will shift, too.

2) You have to believe in potential partners.

Any pattern you continuously encounter in other people is a pattern that lives within you. While at first sight, it may seem like “All men are unavailable” or “All women try to control me,” what’s really happening in these situations is you’re coming up against an old belief system. A belief system that tells you relationships are going to turn out a certain way.

Our wounding becomes ingrained when we’re young; this is why, as adults, we create dysfunctional patterns in relationships. Whatever you wounding was – whether you felt rejected, abandoned, insignificant, unheard, or trapped – you’ll continue to experience the same dynamic in your adult relationships until you heal the wound and move beyond it.

So how do you heal? By treating yourself the way you want to be treated.

If you feel invalidated by others, you need to practice validating yourself.

If you feel trapped in relationships, you need to evaluate how you’re trapping yourself (by not speaking your truth, by not showing up authentically), and change this.

If you feel rejected or abandoned, you need to show-up and love yourself, through thick and thin.

Any pattern you see in others is mirroring a limiting belief about how you expect to be treated in relationships. Heal yourself from the inside-out, and your experience of others will drastically shift, too.

3) You have to believe in relationships.

It’s easy for us to feel cyclical about relationships; we’re surrounded by dysfunctional couples everywhere we look. In fact, culturally we’re a little addicted to the drama.

But the truth is, being hyper-focused on the dysfunction in relationships will not lead to a healthy, happy relationship in your own life. It just won’t.

If you don’t believe you’re capable of forming a mature, respectful, powerful, loving partnership, it’s going to be really hard for you to do so.

While every relationship is difficult at times, partnerships are an amazing opportunity for us to feel connected, supported, loved and seen by another person. Believe in the greatest potential of a relationship, and it’s much more likely to happen for you.

When your beliefs are aligned to the highest potential, you create partnerships that are unbelievably fulfilling; when your beliefs are aligned to limits and dysfunction, then that’s what you’re going to see.The choice is yours… which will you you choose?

Believe in the highest possibilities, strive for the highest possibilities, and anything you want can be yours.

Please leave a comment below telling us one belief you’re going to shift to transform your experience in love.


  1. Stefanie Corlew on September 24, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    I am going to begin to tell my true feelings in my relationships instead of worrying about hurting someone’s feelings. I am also going to let it completely go when there’s nothing there instead of keeping it around and saying “were just friends”.

    • Shelly Bullard on September 26, 2014 at 12:44 am

      Good idea about the letting go thing – it clears a space for someone new. 🙂

  2. Becky Jo on September 25, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Great article. True in every aspect of our lives. “What we think about, we bring about”. I am going to change wondering if “Am I good enough” to “I am good enough”. I tend to question myself when I think the other person has more to offer in a relationship then I do. And yes, it sabotages the health and potential of the relationship before giving it (and me, and him) a fair chance. Thanks Shelly! I gain so much from your articles. I now share them with my 23 year old son who is navigating his way through an on-again/off-again relationship. Wish I would have sought or had this kind of advice when I was his age 🙂

    • Shelly Bullard on September 26, 2014 at 12:43 am

      Beautiful, Becky. I love hearing that you’re sharing them with your son. Yes, and you must know that you’re absolutely good enough in order to receive a relationship that feels incredible to you. Thanks for sharing xo

  3. Monnique R on September 25, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    Shelly…I smile whenever I see your name in my inbox because every time I read your blog, you always write about something that is so PERFECT for me to read at that moment in time. I have read other blogs/articles on the subject of romantic love, but your insights really resonate and ring true for me. I’m ready to be open and receive my beloved and your guidance is a great thing to have on this journey with me. Thank you and I appreciate you! Cheers! 🙂

    • Shelly Bullard on September 26, 2014 at 12:40 am

      Thank you so much, Monnique! I’m so happy to hear that you’re ready to open and receive your love.

  4. Lei on September 25, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    I am taking a stand in my life and consciously making decisions focused on my best interest. Im gaining confidence by working out, making healthier food choices, finding things to laugh about and when I look into a mirror I smile at myself. That’s a big one because I hardly focused on me in my reflection. I breathe and spend more time in nature to rejuvenate after a weeks work and I’m journaling again to express myself. I’m working on being my own best friend and giving myself validation when needed and assurance that I’m doing the best I can. I’m paying attention to what connections feel good and which don’t and learning to let go and let be. I’m a single mom and dealing with my baby’s father is like pulling teeth. Rather then ignore him I choose to make the effort to heal and allow myself the closure I deserve to move forward. He has done so much and said so much I allowed him to have my light. With my daughter to focus on I’m seeing how I’m still a child of God that deserves to have fun, be playful, and imagine a life full of loving supportive friendships and relationships.

    • Shelly Bullard on September 26, 2014 at 12:44 am

      Yes Lei!! xo

  5. Sara on September 29, 2014 at 12:49 am

    Shelly, thank you for another great article! The truth rings loud and clear here.
    I know your aim is to help women who are not in relationships find love but I wondered if you would ever speak specifically to women who are already in relationships or marriages? I’ve been having a hard time evaluating whether to leave my husband of 12 years. I initiated a separation last year and have followed your advice about self-care and love ever since, which has made me feel great in my relationship to myself and with my children. I agreed to give my husband another chance recently (mainly out of guilt, because I didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps of being divorced, and out of fear of being on my own financially) and he blew it. I felt angry with myself afterwards for thinking things could be different and yet, I’m still sitting here in the “safe” ambiguous terms of being separated but not divorced. Is it acceptable to put things on hold while my children are young and to seek a loving partner when they’re older?

    • Shelly Bullard on September 29, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      You have to decide what feels like the best path for you. But staying small and pretending will not help anybody. Also staying in a relationship because of what you get from the other person (financial stability) is also a limited viewpoint. Sounds like you need to find courage and faith within and take the necessary steps to really take care of yourself, which will in turn, very much take care of your children, too.

      • Victoria on September 29, 2014 at 7:59 pm

        Dear Shelley,Bingo! Staying in a dysfunctional marriage for financial stability was what I was doing. Fear of the unknown kept me there. I did find courage to file for divorce; I did not think of it that way. Just wanted to get away from the noise and manipulation. Now I am trying to hold onto that courage as I move on and making the decisions that are right for me. Your words are such a big help. Thank you!

        • Shelly Bullard on September 29, 2014 at 10:39 pm

          Yes – staying with someone to gain anything (money, “love,” care, anything) is a disaster. Glad you made your way out and yes, stay close to that courage. So much good awaits you. 🙂

      • Sara on September 29, 2014 at 10:46 pm

        Thank you Shelly. I think you’re right. I’ve been spending the last year “preparing” by increasing my savings and investing in my education and recommendations so I can re-enter the workforce and stand on my own two feet again.
        I’m sure there are many women in need of your wisdom who are already in relationships. If you choose to address those topics, I think you’d find a captivated audience. Maybe you could consider a future article on how to evaluate the relationship you’re in. I’ve learned that we grow over time but our relationships don’t always grow with us. I’ve learned that two people can be good enough but not right for each other.

  6. Danitza on October 11, 2014 at 1:47 am

    Hi Shelly! This is the first time I write to you and I am really excited!Look, I have been looking for love advice in many parts (books, internet and friend advice) and once I read that there were two steps to find a soul mate:
    1.-Think that everybody deserves love
    2.-Make an excersice of finding something attractive in any man you see (or woman, if you are a man).
    What do you think of this? Does it really work? Thank you very much!

    • Shelly Bullard on October 11, 2014 at 11:02 am

      Those wouldn’t be the two steps I would suggest. 🙂 Actually, I talk about the 2 things all women who manifest love do right here: manifesthim.com. You can check it out and see what you think.

      • Danitza on October 11, 2014 at 5:31 pm

        Thank you!

  7. Prudence on November 6, 2014 at 10:36 pm

    Thankyou shelly for the upliftment of relationships,it has just open my heart, I think I ll start with believing in myself and loving myself, also in relationships .

    • Lavina on December 10, 2014 at 11:50 pm

      Thanks Shelly this is very useful. You are very inspiring. I agree with loving yourself and really believing in yourself. The part 2 and 3 has been slightly difficult for me. I attracted my second soulmate after 8 years in my life in January this year. Our relationship started well but became long distance very quickly as we lived in different countries. What I noticed was on the one hand he was extremely attentive and full of love specially in the beginning and then very emotionally unavailable and distant.so eventually I had to break up with him to establish my boundaries. I know I manifested him with my thoughts/energy but I was unable to maintain it. Now I am a bit disheartened and not being able to manifest a new relationship even if I meditate daily. I do feel my attitude towards relationships has changed and everywhere around me people are pouring to me their relationship troubles so that doesn’t help. The only positive thing is I have gone through a major personal transformation and really changed to a more positive person and confident overall. I totally believe in myself and my life purpose. What are your thoughts on what happened on the relationship side?Thanks a lot for sharing.
      Love & Light,

      • Shelly Bullard on December 11, 2014 at 4:02 pm

        You attracted a mixture of your beliefs (which is what we do). Love & fear of abandonment.

Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

I’ve helped 125,000+ expansive, beautiful humans manifest their desires through my YouTube channel.

Over the last decade, I transformed my love life… I went from feeling terrified that I may never find love or have a family of my own to manifesting marriage, my baby, our dream home, and so much more. Now, I want to help you do the same.

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