: 25 January 2015

Choosing Between Stability or Passion? Find Out Why You Don’t Have To.

I recently spoke to someone who wants to improve her relationship with both money and romantic love. We started our session by exploring her patterns with men…

“Well, I feel like I have to choose between stability or fun. It’s like I date two opposite types of men: either they have their lives together but I’m bored, or the relationship is unstable, but it’s wild and fun.” 

We spoke about that issue for a while (I’ll tell you the solution later in the article), and then we discussed her relationship with money.

“I feel like I have to choose between a stable 9 to 5 job, where I’ll make good money but I won’t feel inspired; or I can have my own business, but I’ll have to sacrifice abundance and security.” 

Hmmm. A pattern had emerged.

“So it sounds like in both areas of your life – love and money – you feel like you have to choose between opposite experiences: being happy and free, or secure and abundant. You can’t imagine that there’s a reality in which you would feel both secure and passionate at the same time,” I said.

“Yes!” she said.

Our deep work had begun…

Before I tell you what we did next to start her transformation, I want to say this: It’s very common for people to treat their money and relationships the same way.

In my work, I see it all the time:

– Overworking in a relationship; overworking for money

– Belief that a partner should “do it for you;” belief that money should “just happen to you”

– Controlling with a partner; controlling with money

– A pervading feeling of “not enough,” stifling both love and money

– Avoiding relationships and money patterns

– Desire to be saved by a person; desire to be saved by money

The list goes on and on… The way people treat their money and romantic partners is very related.


Because both money and love evoke fear in us like nothing else. And fear brings up our limiting beliefs.

A limiting belief is any internal message that says you can’t have the life experience you want. 

For my client, her limiting belief was that she couldn’t feel both secure and inspired in the same relationship or job.

In both circumstances, she was convinced that she had to choose between security and stability or passion and inspiration. And because our internal realities are reflected in our external lives, what she believed is what she experienced.

As we continued our session, I asked her, “What if I told you that you could feel both secure and alive at the same time, with both men and money?”And what if the way to achieve this state of fullness is to start with a belief that it’s possible?” 

“Wow,” she said, “I never even considered that.” 

A new possibility – a new potential – was now in her field. She had a new energy in her field, and she could use that new energy to create a new reality.

When we don’t think a life circumstance is a possibility – whether it’s love, money or anything else – we don’t make space for it to happen.

To make room for what we want, we have to FEEL what we want.

To make room for what we want, we have to RESONATE with what we want.

To make room for what we want (and to potently call it to us), we must BECOME what we want.

It’s only when we tune-into what we really desire, make contact with the frequency of energy that it is, and consciously choose to resonate with that energy, that this new reality can emerge.

Several years ago I was caught in the same position as my client. I had been with the stable guy; I had been with the wild guy; but I wanted both in the same man (of course… don’t we all?).

So what did I do? I challenged the limiting belief that said, “It’s not possible to have both,” and I made sure to embody both my unwavering stability and absolutely over-the-top wildness to their fullness. And guess who came in? A perfect reflection of just that – a very dynamic, very stable, very wild man. Needless to say, we had a good time. 🙂

Soon after, I made the same changes in my financial reality. I started resonating with the energy of living both securely and freely, and it’s now my reality.

As you’ve probably heard me say before: you can create your reality from the inside-out.

Yeah… we all have beliefs that tells us “you can’t,” but this is just a limited perception that’s holding you back. The way to move beyond these fears is by searching deep within and discovering the message, the energy, the TRUTH  that says, “Oh yes… I can.” 

When you resonate in that energy, there’s nothing that can’t be done.

Please leave a comment below telling us how you are going to create more security and passion in your life in both your love life and your financial life. We look forward to hearing from you!


  1. sherryl on January 26, 2015 at 10:21 pm

    Hi ShellyTalk about timing.
    I lost my job at Christmas and my partner and I broke up just before Christmas. It wasn’t a long relationship but just hard. I read your article about fear of money fear of love. You are the first person who has worked it out for me. I have a property staging business and I was so scared to go full time, as the market is not as stable as what I thought my other job was!!!
    when I lost my job I knew it was a big push to follow my passion it is happening and I am excited everyday for I never know who will call or knock at my door so far its amazing.
    As for my love life I finally decided to surrender and let the universe step in. It is a wonderful feeling to let go. I am finally free of the shackles that held me down. Thank you for teaching me the faith I use it everyday. X

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 12:33 am

      You’re so welcome, Sherryl. I love this. Thanks for sharing your path with us. xo

  2. Clear on January 27, 2015 at 12:08 am

    Not so sure to be able to follow the universe call… I’ve tried, I’m trying and will try again and again…but there’s still something stopping me to surrender. Too much control over me, too much insecurity and lack of self esteem….Any suggestions?Anyway, I keep enjoying your articles …keep up the good job for us, dear Shelly!

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 1:09 pm

      You have to work on your self-esteem. Then when you trust yourself deeply, you can follow any call from within. x

      • Clear on January 28, 2015 at 5:40 pm

        Yes, I completely agree with you…but how??? 🙁

        • Shelly Bullard on January 29, 2015 at 1:44 am

          Cultivate the feeling of what you desire within yourself.

          • Clear on January 29, 2015 at 11:31 am

            I’ll try and let you know…. just to begin with, my todays mantra will be: THINK BIG; DREAM BIG!!!Let’s see…
            Many thanks for being so supportive.
            a big hug

  3. Mark Charlton on January 27, 2015 at 12:38 am

    Hi Shelly! I know your articles are mostly aimed at women but I love them and find them so insightful and the last one is no exception. Even though I see the reasoning in the article, I still don’t really understand how I can combine my passion and stability because I feel like the wild part of me is very destructive (even though I love the wonderful life that it’s created). I almost daren’t let the wild dream go further but equally am uncertain how to pursue the things that would provide some stability, like savings to be as my back up. There’s definitely a parallel with relationships because I imagine someone would find my way of living too crazy to accept me as a partner (e.g. I take a lot of volunteering jobs to experience the world and wouldn’t take a great paid job until I felt like I had something valuable to contribute. It’s like I’m playing as a child with all the wonderful things in the world first!); I feel like the wildness / intuition I follow compromises the other part, which I’ve sort of come to accept. I feel happy but there are questions lurking in the background about how I can support myself and provide a basic level of financial security. Hmm. Any advice, if that all isn’t confusing?!

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 1:09 pm

      Yes – you just have to know that there is a person out there that would love and accept you just as you are. There are infinite possibilities – some people would be thrilled with the way you choose to live your life!

  4. Amira on January 27, 2015 at 12:59 am

    Hi Shelly! Thank you for sharing this, as it is an ON TIME message for me. I can now see how my feelings towards money and men are VERY related, as well as limiting. I’m a writer by nature. Although, I’m a little rusty, I’m confident that with a little time (& patience) I can easily get back into my “groove”. I was knocked down pretty bad in my most recent relationship (which produced a beautiful child, then while the break-up was fresh, I managed to get a promotion at work. I hated this position until I learned to loosen my grasp on it, & in doing so, I loosened my grasp on my previous relationship. I’m still healing, but I’m FINALLY in a place where I feel that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! I CAN have stability and passion in love, life, & work…and one day soon, I WILL! 🙂

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      Love this, Amira! Thank you for sharing. xo

  5. Karina on January 27, 2015 at 6:24 am

    Oh wow Shelly! I read your article this morning and the thought that I treat money and relationships the same way has stayed with me all day. I pondered, reflected on it and came back to it several times….and it was like a huge eye-opener for me! I can definitely see similar behavior patterns. Thank you for your heart to share such awesome insights to help make our lives better and everything we can be, Karina x

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 1:10 pm

      I’m glad it was insightful for you, Karina!! xo

  6. Drea on January 27, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    HOW?? That’s what I want to know – How do you just decide to be “yes I can” from the inside out? If I knew how to do it, I’d have done it long ago and would not be stuck in a hateful job for fear of losing my health insurance.

    So, yes, “how [am I supposed] to create more security and passion in [my] life at the same time”

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 2:45 pm

      You have to start to feel the new reality that you want to create from the inside-out. Like this: My ideal job has freedom, and I feel safe at the same time, etc. You cultivate the feelings within. If you are stuck in a horrible position, you aren’t going to jump into something fantastic immediately – you have to work your way there by feeling better and better everyday.

  7. Kristy Lin Billuni on January 27, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    Wow, Shelly! This is such a valuable insight–especially helpful for those of us who’ve navigated one well, love or money, and not the other. It really opens up a clear path for me. Thanks.Also, I’m so impressed by the number of comments on your blog. You have done an amazing job building a community around your wonderful work.

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 4:27 pm

      Thanks Kristy!! Nice to see you here! Just putting the message out there and letting people find me. 🙂

  8. Holly on January 27, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Thank you for this article Shelly! I can relate to overworking in relationships and overworking for money. Just calling it out and changing your beliefs is a great place to start changing that pattern. Thank you for your inspiration and for sharing your gifts.

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 4:28 pm

      I’m glad it resonates for you, Holly. xo

  9. ingrid on January 27, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    excellent connection! thank you.

    • Shelly Bullard on January 29, 2015 at 1:48 am

      You’re welcome!

  10. edna on January 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    I don’t get the parallel. I have a great guy in my life who is just who I envisioned. My relationship with money is getting better but still isn’t where I want it to be.I am healing a lot of old issues so maybe I am on the right path.

    • Shelly Bullard on January 27, 2015 at 10:40 pm

      It may or may not apply to you. All I’m saying is for many people, they deal with money and love in the same way. If you overcame fears to find this new relationship, it’s possible the way you did it could inform you on how to improve your relationship with money, too.

      • edna on January 28, 2015 at 1:49 am

        Thanks Shelly. I’ll talk to my coach about this.Very interesting concept though…..and I can see some old parallels.

  11. engineering_gal on January 28, 2015 at 1:50 am

    Shelly this is EXACTLY what I’ve been struggling with lately. After having a negative experience working a job where I was overworked, underpaid, getting laid off and having a major relationship breakup all at the same time about a year ago, I went back to school and took some time off work to heal (while also reading your blog, and others!) I now I think I’m ready for a new job and a new relationship. I am frightened of both though! I’m afraid that I’ll take a job that I won’t enjoy, and I’ll lose my freedom to live my life outside work as I would like to, to be able to enjoy my interests, to travel. And I really haven’t aspired to apply for jobs at my ability and educational level. When I think about it, I have the exact same fears about getting into a relationship. That whoever I’m with will hold me back from being me. I think this article arrived in my email inbox at the right time, I need to get past this fear that’s holding me back. I’m not exactly sure how I’ll get there, but awareness is the first step! Thank you for your article!

    • Shelly Bullard on January 28, 2015 at 12:34 am

      I’m glad it spoke to you!! xo

  12. Deb on January 28, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    You say the solution is to believe you can have the love you want. But what about the ones of us that really keep waiting for that love story everyone tells you “it doesn’t happen” or “that doesn’t exist” and still I can’t help it, I keep believing it can happen to me, I mean even if I want to, I can’t stop believing or hoping for a partner that brings both passion and stability and most of all, honesty. Every potential person I meet and think can be the one and then it all ends in disappointment. I’ve been single for 2 years and my past experiences haven’t been like that so… what’s happening? I believe I deserve that kind of love and I believe it is possible (it has to be)… but it’s not happening and I only come off as a very demanding person and… single haha
    Thanks for your time and articles Amelie 🙂

    • Shelly Bullard on January 29, 2015 at 1:44 am

      If you’re waiting for something to happen, you’re going about it the wrong way. That’s the whole point, actually – you must cultivate the feelings and beliefs and experience of what you want inside yourself, then it will manifest in form. I know this concept is hard to believe and understand at first, but it is simply how it works. If you keep “believing it will happen to you” then you are living in the feeling of it not happening.

  13. Ahsoka23 on January 28, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    Wow, this hit home for me. My main problems have been finding love and obtaining money. I have always thought that once I get a lot of money then I would find love because then I would be valuable. Right now, I do not have any money, I am living basically payment to payment. And I am fed up with money always being an issue with me.
    I am also fed up with my difficulty of finding a partner. I have been single for a long time and I am lonely. At first I blame the environment that I am in. But now I think there is something wrong with me. I do not know what I want in a partner.

    I think I might need your help.

    • Shelly Bullard on January 29, 2015 at 1:48 am

      You’re valuable without money, and you would never want a partner who correlated your worth to money, so that’s a belief you might want to change. It sounds like you need to find love within yourself – you’ll cultivate in your life from the inside-out.

  14. KCL on January 29, 2015 at 4:28 am

    Your article has me intrigued. I’m finding myself between a rock and hard place when it comes to money and my marriage. Because we are going through financial havoc at this time, I’m so unhappy. In my mind money means happiness. Without money, we are unable to do things that we would like to do (vacation, date night, trips with the kids)My husband on the other hand will not stress over it. He recognizes the problem, but he doesn’t let it consume him. He feels as long as we have each other, a roof over our heads, then all else will be ok. Well, this consumes me and I am unable to let it go so that I can love freely and not have this hold over money and love. This is probably hurting my marriage, but I want financial security and I’ve blamed him for my unhappiness, but I’ve also blamed myself for relying on him for that financial support. One of my goals for this year is getting my finances in order. I need the financial independence and stability. I need to be happy and I want to be happy. Not having the financial freedom has prevented me from leaving my current position to pursue what I want to do. If I do, then I would just put us further into debt. Something has to give… I love your article and found it most fascinating. I just don’t know how to apply it to my current situation. Thanks for your insight!

    • Shelly Bullard on January 29, 2015 at 12:02 am

      Just so you know, money won’t make you feel happy or secure. Those feelings are cultivated from within you. That’s where you have to start. Xo

      • KCL on January 29, 2015 at 11:43 pm

        Thank you for your response Shelly! This will be a challenge for me as I wouldn’t even know where to begin….Thanks again..

  15. kdt12 on January 29, 2015 at 10:56 pm

    Excellent observation about money & relationships, Shelly. Recently I took a look at money — literally. Just placed it in front of me and looked at it. I asked myself how I felt about it. And I was amazed at the feelings it evoked. I found I was actually angry at money for “just sitting there,” and not doing anything to help me live the life I truly want! I realized it was why I never let money “sit” in my savings account for long. I was angry at it for sitting there and not doubling or multiplying in my favor. Then I did the simple process from Byron Katie’s The Work and questioned the truth of my thought that money just sits there and doesn’t do anything for me. Within a short time I found I could look at that money and feel zero negativity. This was just a few short days ago so it’s not like all of a sudden I’m Rockefeller, but this negative belief about money is no longer in my way. It can work with relationships, especially the one we have with ourselves. Any time we’re feeling stumped, stressed, deeply unhappy or unsuccessful, we need only look at it literally, like looking at a photo of an ex (or of ourselves) and asking how does this make me feel? Then ask if the thoughts that come up are true. Powerful as heck…Thanks as always for your wonderful & insightful writings!

    • Shelly Bullard on January 30, 2015 at 12:38 am

      Love that!

  16. Lei on March 4, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    Great article, thank you!! I’m going through an interesting phase where it feels like it’s all work and no play being a single mom. Finding the balance between wanting / needing money and security and having an inspired creative life full of love and play has been challenging. I believe there is are infinite possibilities and it really is up to our creative imaginations to visualize my best life. It’s making the time to put it all into practice that I find I have to make the priority for.

  17. Charise on March 26, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    I am learning that a limiting belief I had for a long time is that I cannot fulfill my hearts deepest desire to travel the world and learn about different cultures while also creating a stable healthy love life. This belief has held me back and about a year and a half ago my spirit called me to drop it all and just leave…so I did! Now I have been living in Spain for the past 6 months and the plan is to move to Asia next year to also teach English. I am so alive and at peace over seas as I have always been and I am learning that this is my happy place and place of peace. Coming over seas again has reassured me that I am enough and that my gifts of openness to travel to foreign places and then my ability to articulate my experiences in my writing and teaching is apart of my life’s purpose. When I introduce myself to men this must be apart of my narrative from the beginning. Before I was so afraid that telling men what I wanted in my life and that I know that in my heart traveling and writing is a part of my inherent passions would scare them off. However, I am learning while here that not sharing such a huge part of my spirit that brings me such peace and fulfillment is not very authentic at all and I am not giving myself a fair chance to be seen and loved for the truth of who I am. Embracing that I want to be fulfilled in my career and personal life by traveling alone and also with my future life partner has freed me of the fears I once had about not being able to have both love and passion. Its been a fascinating awakening! I understand now that by not saying what I need and what fulfills me closes the door for it to be possible in the first place. Great revelation this has been!

  18. Cali on May 6, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    This article, like MANY of your others… has come to me at the exact time I needed to hear it-read it. its hard to explain, maybe not- but your articles have changed my life, and I know that it doesn’t end here. Through you and your articles I have found myself. Your articles and God showed me how to love and respect myself and to be content with where I am in this very moment-which led me to and amazing man I know I will marry one day.- Financial, job, security- is next. I can feel it. So, deeply- Thank you. You have helped tremendously with my transformation into a happier, better me. Today more than ever I just felt like I needed you to know this :)Also I know that you sometimes talk about your faith and I know when you are talking about God, holy spirit,(intuition) egos- the not good parts- I would love to hear more of that- but I also know that speaking about faith is tricky;) especially for blogging. I just want to thank you again-for sharing your story.


  19. Kasia on July 6, 2016 at 12:44 am

    Hi Shelly, I love your article but I just don’t understand one thing. On one side you say that people often believe that money should “just happen to them” and that is wrong. But on the other side you say that we should “let go all ‘how’ and the universe will manifest all the things we created from the inside out. Isn’t in both of this a little ‘magical’ thinking?I’m sorry for my bad English 🙂

    • Shelly Bullard on July 6, 2016 at 11:38 pm

      It’s believing that we create our realities from the inside-out.

  20. Louise Knowles on June 12, 2017 at 4:27 pm

    My business is failing and I am in a relationship with a married man. I am actually losing money trying to provide a service every two weeks (or month, I don’t know). I am waffling. I can’t decide to stop my business (which is my passion), and I can’t decide to stop seeing the guy who is exxtremely attractive, but can’t give me what I want. There’s another guy who is not married and who is financially stable, but I am afraid of messing up. So I am staying away in confusion over the first guy. I hear what you say about security and excitement, freedom and financial success, but I don’t know how to take action / make a decision / which way to turn. Its too tangled and too dark.

    • Shelly Bullard on June 19, 2017 at 2:59 am

      Hi Louise, yes, sounds extremely complicated and I feel the darkness, too. Disconnecting from all relationships to find peace and connection within yourself would be my advice. Love, Shelly

Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

I’ve helped 125,000+ expansive, beautiful humans manifest their desires through my YouTube channel.

Over the last decade, I transformed my love life… I went from feeling terrified that I may never find love or have a family of my own to manifesting marriage, my baby, our dream home, and so much more. Now, I want to help you do the same.

Hey love! Let’s manifest love, relationships & wealth together.

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