: 28 May 2014

Dying to be in a Relationship? You Might Be Making This Mistake

There’s a huge mistake that many people make when it comes to finding love. In this article, I’m going to tell you what that mistake is, and how to change it so you can attract the relationship you want.
One of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to finding love is: They believe a relationship is going to complete them.

What I mean is: We think a relationship is the missing key to us being happy.

If you’re one of the many people who believes this (and no shame if you do), I’m sorry to tell you that this is not the how it works.

In fact, this faulty belief is keeping love away from you. Here’s a couple reasons why:

1) Other people can feel it when we have anxiety about finding love.

Anytime you approach a relationship from a sense of emptiness inside – like something is missing and you’re trying to fill a hole – it’ll be sensed by the people you’re dating. And it won’t feel good to them.

When you’re confident, your vibe goes something like this, “It’s nice to meet you and we’ll see if I want to continue spending time with you.” Cool, calm, collected, and very intriguing.

But when you have that underlying need to find a relationship, you’re entire vibe changes. It feels more like this, “Do you like me?”

These are two totally different stances, and they’re both portrayed simply through your energy.

The first is highly attractive and the second sabotages love (and repels people away). Needless to say, this is a big problem if you’re looking for love.

2) We attract experiences that match how we feel on the inside. 

If you feel like something’s missing in your life, then proof of that perception will keep showing up.

Meaning, you’ll continue to feel like something’s missing in your life!

For example, if you’re preoccupied with finding a partner and hyper-focused on not having one, you’ll continue to see the same results of not having a partner. You’ll either remain single, or find a relationship that makes you feel unfulfilled. Not the outcomes we’re looking for when we desire to have a loving partnership.

So, knowing all this, what can you do about it? 

How can you shift to feel more secure, at ease, present, and confident when you’re looking for love?

You start by searching for the feelings you think a relationship will bring you, inside yourself.

I know at first you glance might be skeptical – you may think it’s impossible for you to feel connected, loved, held and taken care of without a partner. But I promise you, you can.

And the most beautiful thing about this process is, once you ground into these feelings inside yourself, you’ll become a magnetic to a relationship that makes you feel this way, too.

People tend overcomplicate this experience, which is called self-love. And while the mind might have a hard time understanding it, if you take a moment to drop into your heart, you will know exactly what I mean.

Self-love is the sense of finding peace, happiness, contentment, acceptance, and love inside yourself.

A few ways self-love flourishes is by quieting mind, opening heart, and a connecting to your inner voice.

  • You find self-love in a yoga practice
  • You find self-love when you meditate
  • You find self-love when you journal, go to therapy, and get to know yourself
  • You find self-love by setting aside quiet time to just be with you

The secret is this: you have to feel good being you before you find a relationship that you feel good in.

By creating a practice of finding peace, strength, happiness, and fulfillment within, the sense of craving something outside of you to feel good will start to dissipate. And when this happens, ironically, everything you’ve always wanted, including an incredible relationship, will make it’s way to you.

Please leave a comment below telling us how you’re going to find love within yourself first, and let that be the foundation of all your relationships. I look forward to hearing from you.


  1. Brandi Owczarz on May 29, 2014 at 12:16 am

    Very true…sometimes, it just takes someone to put it out there to make you realize it. Thanks, Shelly! I’d say just physically taking care of myself- running, workouts, yoga- are ways I’m showing myself love!

    • Shelly Bullard on May 29, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      Great!! xo

  2. Todd Lohenry on May 29, 2014 at 1:58 am

    Lovely post, Shelly!

    • Shelly Bullard on May 29, 2014 at 2:05 am

      Thank you so much, Todd!!

  3. choco on May 29, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    i have my last relation ship about 6 years ago. and its been hard until now to have new relation ship. The last relation ship was a horrible experience for me, and i want to get rid off the image of last relation ship. and too scared to build the new relation ship. I really want to have one good relation ship now. But i have to clear all my mind and heart to start a new relation ship. if you can tell me what step should i do, will be pleasure for me.thank you.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 29, 2014 at 4:09 pm

      Start imagining what you want in a relationship. Start there. Don’t spend too much time thinking about the old relationship.

  4. Ilove on May 29, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Right on point… I am dating myself, and I’m going to continue to do so even when I am boo’d up. Oh and dating myself may include being frisky with my hands myself. Than I’d know how to help my future partner help me ;).

  5. Gary on May 29, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    I’m trying , it’s a hard battle , I need to be single for at least a year , and I don’t even know what that looks like , but I love your post Gary x

  6. Glen Smith on May 29, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    I recently was talking at a group about healing and becoming one with ones self. One of the single females suggested that healing would be easier if she had a supportive partner rather than being single. I don’t know how common this belief is but I think that it’s really important to have a support network outside of one’s partner, otherwise there is a risk of slipping into a co-dependency arrangement with someone. I also agree with your steps above as an essential part of completeness as a person. I practice meditation and yoga daily, including quiet times. There is a beach only a few mins from my work, so I go there and take my shirt and shoes off and do yoga and meditation. At first I was very self-conscious about what other people might think but now it feels very natural to express myself fully without looking for validation outside of myself. I’m also in an authentic-relating group so that I can practice and develop the skills of connecting deeply with people. Completeness creates abundance and that’s attractive 🙂

  7. maria on July 17, 2014 at 2:13 am

    Hi Shelly,Thanks for the article..But, I’m confused.. I totally agree that a relationship CANNOT complete me, but when a man hugs or kisses me, that feels awesome and good and in a sense makes me feel complete? Am I confusing what “complete” means?
    In a sense, dating oneself is difficult, yes, you can treat yourself in a respectable way, but it’s NOT the same as being with a man?
    When I explain these ideas to my therapist, they look at me with confused eyes. lol
    Thank you for explaining the meaning of “complete”.

  8. Valerie on March 21, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    Shelly, great article as always! But here is the thing, I worked hard to build a veryfulfilling life with a great job, wonderful kid, friends, hobbies, etc. I was in a long term relationship that ended in 2013 and I took time out to heal, started dating in 2015 and I’ve had a few relationships that lasted a few months. I’m pretty clear on what I want and
    don’t want at 46 and I’m just not willing to settle. I have gone on 8 first dates in the last 2 1/2 months. The two men that I met and felt chemistry for and would have enjoyed
    getting to know better were not interested in a relationship. I want a committed relationship. I’m frustrated! And now I’m feeling all those desperate feelings you talk about. My daughter is moving out next year and living at college and I think the empty nest syndrome is making me frantic about finding someone. I am lonely and miss having a partner! No hobby, friend or job is going to fill that void. Help!

    • Shelly Bullard on March 31, 2016 at 3:53 am

      Yep!! A partner isn’t going to fill the void either. That’s where you’re going wrong here – and it’s that illusion that you have to change. Once you know that only YOU can fill the void, a partner will smoothly come it. But they don’t come in when we “need” them to. This is how it works.

  9. Nina Thiara on February 6, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    Yes Im the hunt for a man. I have done she self love work and love myself and I have lots going for me.
    Im still confused ” Do I just let it go and stop my search” Does it mean that Im being too needy of wanting a conscious man”?

    • Shelly Bullard on February 12, 2017 at 11:01 pm

      I would keep an intention of meeting a conscious man (which will feel like a “knowing” inside you that it’s going to happen), and then yes, give up the search and just BE. BEING is conscious. The more you rest in BEING, the more you’re calling other people/places/things that rest in BEING into your life. xo

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 6:05 am

      Relax the search is what I say. Desire a man, but surrender and trust. That’s the way. I teach how to do this in my course Manifest Your Love (manifestyourlovecourse.com).

Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

I’ve helped 125,000+ expansive, beautiful humans manifest their desires through my YouTube channel.

Over the last decade, I transformed my love life… I went from feeling terrified that I may never find love or have a family of my own to manifesting marriage, my baby, our dream home, and so much more. Now, I want to help you do the same.

Hey love! Let’s manifest love, relationships & wealth together.

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