: 22 March 2013

How to Deal with Fiery, Passionate Relationships

No one on the planet lights my soul on fire the way my man does. It’s a fiery relationship – for better and for worse.
I get activated in his presence. I light up. Quite literally, I buzz. A fire roars deeply and passionately in my heart, for him.

And, sometimes, that fire takes over. A burning rage inside of me.

Seemingly out of nowhere, feelings such as jealousy, anger, frustration, and fear emerge. I’m like a volcano! It’s overpowering and completely out of my control.

Yes, my man absolutely drives me wild. It’s hot. And it burns.

If you can relate to what I’m talking about and you want to know how to deal with a fiery relationship – how to enjoy the burning embers without engulfing in flames – then this article is for you.

Everything that arises in relationship with our lovers – all the passion, the love, the anger, the lust, the fear, the desire, the rage – are all part of the fire-package. It comes together…as a package.

This is important for you to know. You don’t get the burning passion without the burning rage. You don’t get the depth of heart without the depth of pain.

And personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

You see, if it wasn’t for all these strong emotional experiences – the good and the bad, the beautiful and the difficult – then, flat-out, we wouldn’t grow. And growth is what we’re here to do.

We are programed to evolve – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. And the people we are most attracted to – the ones who push us to our edges – are the catalysts for that growth. Without them, we would remain stagnant. For me, that just isn’t an option.

And for you, I imagine, it’s not really an option, either.

The Universe wants us to expand along with it. We don’t get a choice in the matter.

So if you’re as into growth as I am, how do you find these relationships that will push you into self-actualization?

You don’t. They find you.

If you can trust the attraction that you naturally feel for certain, specific people (and it is very specific – you don’t feel this drawn to everyone), then you will be clued-into who you will grow with. Because the level of attraction you feel indicates the level of growth you can experience.

More attraction, more growth. It’s a simple equation. Just listen to your heart’s desire.

Would you expand if you were just hanging out on the couch, experiencing everything as okay and neutral all the time?

Not a chance.

If you’re not pushed in either direction – if you’re kind-of indifferent – then expansion isn’t occurring. It may feel pleasant. It may feel peaceful. But it’s not growth-inducing.

I’m not saying that love should never be easy. Relationships are dynamic – they include many ways of being together. (For the record, my man and I have plenty of couch experiences. Pleasant on the couch? Check. Passion on the couch? Check.)

But here’s the point I’m trying to make: Growth isn’t easy.

Real growth comes from a place deep within us. It is a transmutation – from rage into peace, from obsessive controlling into acceptance, from fear into security.

These intense feelings must be activated first before they can be changed. And so for us to change, we must get activated. We can’t avoid it.

Luckily, if we listen to our hearts and follow it’s desires, we are led to our soul mates. And they will lead us to growth.

So the next question is, once we are in these relationships how do we deal with the emotionality of it all?

One way: We set an intention to transform feelings of fear into feelings of love.

Sounds easy. It’s not.

When rage, fright, anger, and disappointment arise, it means we have fallen into a position of fear. Quite simply, we have deviated from the path of Love.

And the only thing we can do when this happens is to commit to returning to a sense of love, connection, openness within ourselves.

This doesn’t mean we push our feelings down! This means making space for what is, and knowing that Love is always behind it ALL.

The person you love has the ability to knock you off your center. Not because they are malicious, but because you care! It’s easy to get overly consumed with them, which leads you to lose contact with the truth within you.

This is the ultimate test.

Can you continue to come back to your sense of self, even in a relationship with someone you’re madly in love with? It’s not easy to do. But it’s absolutely growth-inducing.

Don’t run away from someone because they make you crazy inside; show up to the challenge and change.

Do you need to feel a greater sense of inner-security? Then pursue it.

Do you need to learn the process of forgiveness? Then make it happen.

Do you need to know, on every level, in every way, that you are love? Then contact your source within and don’t let go.

You can do it. You can change. You can grow into the truth of who you are.

When you realize that your partner is not the bane of your existence, but is the means in which you can transform to the fullest extent.

And a new sense of gratitude for him, for her, for yourself, and for the relationship will emerge from the fiery ashes of Love.

Please leave a comment below telling us about your experience in fiery, passionate relationships, and what you’ve learned from these potent connections. We look forward to hearing from you!


  1. Lori on March 29, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I ran across this article in Elephant , amazing! I have lost myself so many times and now I have been in the process of not losing myself in all my relationships but especially in one. I love this article because it has become my barometer as to how I am doing and yes, I am doing well. I have checked off all of the above and feel fantastic about it! thank you for the identification and the solution, I will continue on my journey in boosted confidence that I can be true to myself!

    • Shelly Bullard on April 2, 2013 at 6:35 pm

      Thank you for sharing! XO

  2. Brittany on April 2, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Question…many of those fiery relationships, at least in my experience, have been “unhealthy attractions.” To people with addictions, cheaters, liars, etc. I realize I am attracting this because I am emitting this vibration in some sense myself. However, are you suggesting that we should stay in relationships like that? Just wanted to clarify.

    • Shelly Bullard on April 2, 2013 at 6:29 pm

      I think fiery attractions get pathologized as “unhealthy” more often than not. I don’t believe in “unhealthy attractions.” I believe that we can learn from everyone we are in contact with–and the people we are most attracted to have the biggest lesson for us. If you find yourself constantly attracted to dishonest people with addictions, then I believe the message is that it’s time to take a good, honest look at your personal relationship to addiction and dishonesty. Our partners mirror us back to ourselves.
      To stay or to go is somewhat irrelevant, because until you learn the lesson you are going to continue to cycle through similar types of relationships. You have to learn how YOU can change. Once you do, your relationships will too. My most recent article discusses this very topic: http://shellybullard.com/why-its-toxic-to-label-relationships-as-toxic-2/

      • Caroline on April 4, 2013 at 9:35 am

        Wow Shelly,
        I love it!! You are right, totally. This couldn’t have come at a better time, as I am about to ‘run’ yet again, even when I already know that life is a mirror and i am attracting that which I need to change within, to grow.. and i so don’t want to do it all over yet again with a new man, and I will, if I don’t grow in this one, its all fire, too much at times, but only because I’m not remaining connected. You Rock Girl! Delighted to have found you, its as if you are talking to me directly, knowing my every thought and behavior 🙂

        Looking foward to more, Much Gratitude, Caroline

  3. Morgan Cunningham on March 16, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    This article has changed my entire perspective. I started crying when I read it. I’m with a man whom I love deeply, and we have many good times but there are also the times where I am jealous, scared, and hurt. I know I have a lot of self growth to do, but this article made me see it in a different way. I was ready to run, but would probably continue to attract the same. Thank you for continue to give me your insight, it is a blessing.


    • Shelly Bullard on March 17, 2016 at 8:22 am

      I’m so happy it resonated so deeply Morgan. xo

  4. Angela on August 11, 2016 at 12:35 am

    Your article explains my life for the past 5 years. My husband and I knew each other for only 6 months before we married. We have learned about each other and went through all of these fiery emotions. Most likely me more than him. Very dynamic relationship. We definitely have grown the past 5 years and it takes about that long to really know someone. This article is spot on. My fears are starting to disappear and love is finally starting to shine in the truest kind.
    To those in a new relationship. Don’t give up if you still care. A long term relationship takes time to grow!

  5. Abby on January 11, 2017 at 8:36 pm

    I have been separated for 7 months from husband of 23 years. He wants his freedom. We have so much passion for eachother. I became dependent on him without realizing it and he felt trapped. He had affair. Now I am anxious, afraid etc. I love this message today. I wa. And wane on staying the course of working on myself. I would love more direction. I am deeply in love with him still.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 6:27 am

      Redirect the love back into yourself. This is how you and your relationship will heal.

  6. Katharina on January 11, 2017 at 8:37 pm

    Wow! Powerful! Thank you. Such a beautiful reminder that all the feelings in feeling are not meant to be wished away (which I was doing yesterday as I felt so sad yesterday triggered by this guy), for they are not in vain. They are coming from a real place, proof of a passionate heart. Flames and all. Even if things don’t work out, I am so thankful for the activation, and for having such a strong heart.
    Thank you, Shelly, for this wonderful article.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 6:26 am

      Yes. Gorgeous. Thank you for sharing. xo

  7. Ceihra Tripp on March 9, 2017 at 6:47 pm

    I love this because man am I going through it right now! It makes me have so much more appreciation rather than resentment and guilt for having this type of relationship. I hope that we can work things out, if not I hope to continue to have a better understanding of myself and the dynamics of the relationship as I move forward. Is there a book that you can suggest that touches on this articles topic? I would love to read and learn more in depth.thank you! Ceihra

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 5:57 am

      No book that I can think of. Just my articles, I guess. Lots of love xo

  8. Tonya on March 19, 2017 at 1:42 am

    I am in a fiery relationship now, the passion we feel together is out of this world. Hard to describe, very intense. When we argue it feels absolutely unbearable. I am so in love with him. I’m afraid that if we ever break up I dont know that I could handle it.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 5:50 am

      Yes… I know that type of relationship well. Keep at it and see what it’s meant to teach you. Lots of love xo

Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

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