: 29 January 2013

How to Know When to Call it Quits

Break-ups suck. There’s no way around it. The actual break-up is hard enough. But sometimes it’s the back and forth that happens before the split that really drives us mad.
Should I stay? Should I go? It’s crazy-making.

Believe it or not, I believe there is a way to know what the right decision is, and it’s my intention of this article to guide you through that process.

First, let’s talk about making decisions in general. In my opinion, there are two ways to do it. (Yes, just two. Easy, right?)

The first option is using your ego. Your ego is basically your rational mind; it uses pro and con logic to come to a final answer. And obviously we need our logic–it comes in handy sometimes (I am being facetiously under-dramatic here). No one is dissing logic. But, there are times when this mode of thinking can really mess us up. Trying to get to the heart of the matter is one of those times.

One of the problems with making complex decisions with the ego is it lives in the world of duality. What exactly is duality? It is the experience of opposites existing at the same time. Duality is, “I want to get the hell out of here, I can’t stand it anymore,” and the following day (hour, minute, second), “I love him/her so much, there’s no way I can leave.”

Unfortunately when we use ego-logic to come to decisions about relationships we cannot reach a grounded decision. Because there isn’t one! Just when we think we’re there–we’ve decided and we’re sticking to it!–something else comes up and we change our minds again. We cycle endlessly between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. This keeps us stuck. And crazy.

However, there is another voice that has opinions about your life and the decisions you are trying to make. This is your non-dual voice; this is your Soul.

I use a lot of different words to refer to Soul–your Higher Self, your intuition, your deeper knowing. Feel free to call it whatever you’d like. It’s name doesn’t matter; but knowing what it is, does.

Your Soul is a voice that doesn’t vacillate back and forth; it simply knows. Yes, knows. That is because the Soul orients to life experiences through non-duality. Non-duality essentially means there is one truth. How nice is that? No wavering here.

When we start orienting to ourselves, to our relationships, and to our world from the position of Soul, we start feeling a lot more clarity. Soul is really just a deeper knowing. I don’t pretend to know how it works and what exactly it is, but I do know that when I call upon it, it is there clear as day.

Some of us may be skeptical to listen to this voice within us to make decisions. Especially the big decisions. Especially decisions about our relationships. But the truth is, relationships are complex. People are complex. If we only use our ego-logic to evaluate our relationships, we are going to find ourselves vacillating back-and-forth until the end of time. When we learn to use our intuition to guide us in such matters, the decisions become clear.

Often it is a process to start making decisions with your intuition. First, you have to listen. Listening means quieting your chattering mind! Your intuition cannot be heard when you are angry, frustrated, fearful, or feeling any other strong, uncomfortable feelings. You know, all those feelings that make you want to make decisions right now?! Yeah, don’t do it. This is not a moment of clarity–this is a feeling, and it is going to pass. Feel your feelings first and once they stabilize call upon your intuition for the answer. Your Soul can only be heard from a centered place.

Next, you have to trust your intuition and act accordingly. This can be challenging; it can take some getting used to. We’re scared it’s not the right decision! We don’t trust ourselves! Let me tell you something: that deeper voice inside of you? Trust it. Trust me, trust it. The more you actively listen to that still, small voice within, the more you will see how right-on it is.

With enough practice I can assure you that you will learn soon enough how well your intuition knows what is best for you. I personally have had enough experiences to know that my intuition is always guiding me in the right direction. It simply knows the way.

If you find yourself struggling in that back-and-forth, yes-and-no mentality, realize you have hit the wall of ego. It is time to search a little deeper for the truth; it’s time to call upon your Soul.

My advice to anyone wondering whether or not they should stay or leave a relationship is this: before you make any big decisions, come back to a state of peace and centeredness and see what your gut is telling you about the situation. You have to really listen. Quiet your ego-mind and drop into a deeper sense of self.

Know there is wisdom within you that can always be accessed and trusted. What is it telling you? Be brave and let it be your guide. It will show you the way.



  1. yereum on June 28, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Thanks Shelly. I’m in that situation. I’m struggling because i’m not sure if it is his problem (he might not be right person to me), or it is my problem (so even if i will meet someone else, the consequence will be the same). Even though I have tried to communicate with my soul, i could not get the right answer yet. I will try more. Thanks again.

  2. Evie on July 10, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Hi Shelly,
    I really enjoy reading your posts. I’m new to your website and somehow I feel the universe has brought me here. I recently broke-up with my boyfriend, but for a while I was in the situation that you mention here in your post. Until, I finally let go of my ego and made a decision based on my intuition. These past two days I’ve surrendered all fear and insecurity that my ego was building in me. I’m going follow my inner voice and be happy with myself. Finding your website today gave me confirmation that I made the right decision. Thank you Shelly! 🙂

    • Shelly Bullard on July 10, 2013 at 4:12 pm

      Awesome. Continue to listen to yourself. Your inner voice will guide you. Good luck. XO

  3. Nityasree on September 12, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Wow do I need this.I’m in a relationship with a man who I love unconditionally but who I’m constant doubting. I am his first girlfriend. He’s 35 and Indian and I’m American and 38. There are so many issues which makes me think I should let him go and walk away..but I love him and am attached to him. But the one main thing is his indecision. He keeps changing his mind about wanting to marry me or not. It’s killing our relationship and I’m fully lost. All his doubts have made me doubt too and I’m feeling so scared of losing him.. Yes I’m in a needy place. I’m right now staying with him in his parents house which is totally against the culture to do before marriage and the bottom line is that I’m feeling insecure about if he really loves me or not. I know he loves me but since I’m his first relationship he doesn’t know what love is and wonders if he will feel something more with someone else. I’m feeling desperate and confused. I feel inside he’s not ready for this with me and he needs time but I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE. I’M ALONE IN LIFE. I won’t get into it but I don’t know his to let him go. Any free advice you can give? Please help…

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