: 05 September 2013

How to Fill a Woman With Your Love

Guys, I know your woman is a mystery to you. You don’t know when she’s going to feel good; you don’t know when she’s going to feel bad. It’s true, we are emotional creatures. Our feelings move and sway like the ocean; soft and sultry one moment, rough and wild the next.
Well today I’ve got some good news for you: You don’t have to be at the mercy of her waves anymore. There are things you can do to make your woman feel loved instantly, and that that’s what I’m going to talk about today.

Let’s start with something that’s very important for you to know: If your woman is upset with you, you can be 90% sure it’s because she feels unloved in some shape or form.

A woman blossoms by knowing you care about her. She gets filled by feeling like she’s special to you. Your consideration, attention and love are her medicine.

Imagine your woman has a love tank inside her that dictates how she feels in any particular moment. When her tank is full, she has a lot of love to give; she’ll express this love freely in the form of laughter, kindness, and sweet gestures towards you. But as her tank drains, she begins to run on empty; the love that she has for you and the world slowly drains away.

If your woman’s love tank does not get refilled often enough, well, that’s when her moodiness set in. 

Let me give you some examples of how this plays out:

Did you forget to take out the trash? Sure, common mistake. But here’s how it computes to her: You aren’t paying attention to her needs, aka you don’t love her.

Did you forget to call when you said you would? Okay, it happens. Her translation: You forgot about her which makes her feel uncared for.

Did you forget her birthday? Buddy, come on. No bueno. This makes her feel very unimportant to you!

Now, I know these are simple mistakes. And trust me, we don’t expect you to be perfect (just as much as we are going to be moody, you’re going to drop the ball from time to time–we’re human!). But what you need to understand is that to a woman, it’s the little things that add up or subtract out.

If you forgot the trash, and the phone call, and her birthday…man, she’s running on empty! She needs to be filled with your love!

I know that you mean well, and you’re probably a good guy. I know that you do a lot of things right. Great. We applaud you for that.

Even though all that’s true, your woman’s love tank is going to drain sometimes. While it’s definitely not your job to keep her happy 100% of the time, it’s also important for you to realize that you don’t have to feel powerless over her negative feelings anymore. There’s something you can do to make her shine again.

What is it?

You can love her.

Yes, fill her with your love and watch her mood dissolve.

Tickle her.

Get playful.

Nibble her neck.

Tell her you’re sorry and you’ll never, ever, ever, ever, ever do it again. Then give her a big bear hug and don’t let go until she giggles.

Say, “Sweetie, I know I messed up. I’m sorry. Now, let me make it up to you.” She may resist for a moment or two, but I’m telling you, if you persist, her mood will melt away.

Do you know how happy your woman would be if you did a few little things everyday to fill her love tank? She’d be thrilled! And when she’s thrilled, you’re thrilled. That’s just how it works.

The master of masculine/feminine dynamics, David Deida, says, “A superior man sees his woman’s moods not as a curse but as a challenge and an amusement.”

What he means is that if you’re going to feel at peace in your relationship, you must accept that your woman is emotional–her feelings are going to fluctuate all the time. But, you are not helpless to these fluctuations! You can penetrate her mood with you love (yes, it’s as hot as it sounds).

I know you wonder why she just can’t get over it. I know you’d like her to give you a break. But she can’t because she’s a woman–she’s a completely different creature than you are. And fellas, that’s why you just can’t get enough.

The energy that inspires a woman ohh and ahh in delight is the same energy that causes her to fuss and rage when she’s upset. The only way to get rid of moods altogether is to be with someone who doesn’t feel much of anything. And, come on, that’s not what you want. You want a real woman–one who sways and moves like the wind.

The next time your woman seems to be running on empty, remember how much influence you can have over the love she feels inside. Fill her tank back up with your love and she’ll be glowing and purring in no time, just the way both of you want it to be.

In the comments below, guys, I’d love to hear your ideas about how to fill a woman’s love tank back up. And women, how can your man snap you out of a mood and make you feel loved again? I’m look forward to hearing from you!


  1. Jackie Morrison on September 6, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    If a man has to be told this kind of advice, which is common sense because all my guy friends already do this instinctively, then a man in need of this kind of reminding doesn’t deserve any woman. Any woman who is with a man who doesn’t do this, needs to get a better man.

    • Jim on September 6, 2013 at 3:24 pm

      A bit of a broad sweeping generalization IMHO Jackie.
      In my world, everyone is the source of, and therefore responsible for, their own experience, beliefs and feelings. It is not a man’s responsibility, nor in fact anyone elses except our own to feel loved, though a little frosting through caring doesn’t hurt.

      • Shelly Bullard on September 6, 2013 at 4:23 pm

        The foundation of all relationships is the relationship you have with yourself (the love you feel inside–I wrote an article about that and I’ll talk about it on my radio show next week). However, if you are signing up for a partnership and you want it to feel good & last, then you also have to learn how to give love to your partner. Doing so is actually really rewarding. We find that we can go deeper into love with one another person than we could on our own.

        • Jackie Morrison on September 7, 2013 at 6:35 am

          Was reading Gabrielle Bernstein today. Your comments and ideology are similar. Are you an aspiring Gabby Bernstein disguised as a love coach? If that is the goal, just say it Shelley.

      • Jackie Morrison on September 7, 2013 at 6:30 am

        That is not my point. My point was, a man who have healthy bonding skills, would probably know most of this advice on their own already.

      • Rick on September 13, 2013 at 3:04 am


    • Shelly Bullard on September 6, 2013 at 4:27 pm

      For Jackie: Men can get really overwhelmed by a woman’s “moods” (when she feels bad). Lots of them instinctively back away when this happens; not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know what to do to make it better. This doesn’t make them bad guys, and it definitely doesn’t make them underserving of a woman. Relationships are where we learn.

      • Jackie Morrison on September 7, 2013 at 6:31 am

        Men who have been in relationships for most of their lives, long-term ones, often are more comfortable and knowledgeable about women’s moods. It’s the ones who have next to no serious long-term relationship experiences that would be clueless about it. Relationships are where we learn, ALL types of relationships, not just romantic.

      • Mary on November 1, 2013 at 4:16 pm

        Agreed … I know that my husband is overwhelmed at my “moods” and I am very concious that particularly at the moment, I am “pushing” and he is “backing away” and I find it helpful just to know that I’m not alone in what I am experiencing and the response I am getting.
        Shelly, I particularly find your quote from David Deida enlightening … “A superior man sees his woman’s moods not as a curse but as a challenge and an amusement.” Does he have similar “advice” for a woman on understanding the response she feels from her man regarding her emotions.

        • Mary on November 1, 2013 at 4:17 pm

          Sorry I hadn’t realised there was another “reply” from Jackie, I was agreeign iwth Shelly’s reply to Jackie … apologies

  2. Jim on September 6, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Another great post Shelly. Thanks for your insights.

  3. Jenny H. on September 6, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    By coincidence my husband and I were just talking this weekend about the different needs of men and women – of he and I. We do this often to help teach each other about ourselves so we can love and understand eachother even better as we age and grow with one another. By coincidence, I used this same analogy of the “tank” with my husband this weekend! Great article. Thank you so much for sharing! It’s really so true 🙂

    Jennifer H.

    • Jenny H. on September 6, 2013 at 4:01 pm

      p.s. My husband makes me tea every morning. He wakes up before me. I used to not feel like a morning person but he knows that I love tea and it makes me really happy. So, he started making me tea and putting it by my bed side every morning. He will tell you that it takes him only 30 seconds and that it is a ‘small thing’ but that 30 seconds never fails to cause me to look forward to waking up, feel really happy as I wake up, and excited to share that happiness with my husband as we both get ready to head off to work – those 30 seconds, that ‘small thing’ is a very big thing to me. 🙂

      • Shelly Bullard on September 6, 2013 at 4:19 pm

        I LOVE this!! Thank you for sharing.

        • Mike on April 20, 2015 at 3:39 pm

          And just like Jenny’s husband, I make coffee for my wife every AM, I do the dishes almost daily, cook, laundry, vacuum, and even Swiffer the floors.. Yet I am constantly told her love tank is empty. When I point out the things I do to show her I love her, I am told well, those things are not important to her, but if I don’t do them, she gets all upset.. Cant have your cake and eat it too!!

          • Shelly Bullard on April 21, 2015 at 1:38 am

            You might want to read that book 5 languages of love – perhaps you’re speaking different love languages? Also, you can do things and expect someone to be appreciative and loving because of it – it’s underground manipulative and it doesn’t feel good to the other person. Just a few things I’m picking up on.

  4. Bill on September 6, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    I am really enjoying your blog on relationship insights. I read the article and I don’t necessarily see this as gender specific.
    As a fun exercise for me, I re-read the article with gender neutrality (partner/they/them) and found that the concept of “needing to fill up love” applies to both men and women. For me, it doesn’t have to do with being “at the mercy of her waves”, but rather to be aware and support to each other’s emotional state. I believe that no one should be responsible for “filling up” another’s love. Yes, one’s attention, caring and words are beneficial and provide support, and agree that the source of anyone’s well-being must come from within first.

    I take my sister’s advice, “be the cake, let everything else be frosting”. I look to be strong in self-love so I don’t have to rely on my partner to “fill my love back up”.

    Grateful for your articles.

    • Shelly Bullard on September 7, 2013 at 5:21 pm

      Yes, it is not gender specific. I am actually speaking about masculine/feminine dynamics, which puts me in a bind as far as written language (so i revert to talking to men and women). But these concepts apply to everyone and all types of relationships.

    • Rick on September 13, 2013 at 3:20 am

      Preach it Bill! My attitude about life is to be strong within yourself so you won’t be some sort of emotional burden on others. When you are satisfied within yourself you don’t tend to make emotional demands on other people and are strong enough to even bear their emotional burdens. If I had to spend my time “trying to make someone happy” I wouldn’t be happy. If someone needs to be “made” happy then they are a burden on their partner and lack happiness within themselves to begin with. if you approach another seeking a relationship please do so with psychological strength, maturity and empty baggage, not heavy ones too heavy for your partner to bear. Do we go into relationships….STRONG within ourselves…..looking to GIVE of ourselves, or do we go into relationships looking to have someone ELSE make us happy? If we are not “happy” to begin with we need to stay single until WE get happy, then we can give that happiness to someone else. When BOTH partners are settled in their spirits, know who they are and are leading a fulfilling life there is a wonderful synergy between them and neither feels “burdened” by unreasonable demands because they both of them engaged in self growth, reflection and maturation BEFORE they decided to get together. When we decide to give ourselves to another we need to make sure we are giving them something that accentuates them and doesn’t burden them down.

  5. Liz on September 6, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Fabulous article Shelly, and oh so TRUE!The more you give to your relationship, the more you receive. It feeds off it’s self.
    It does need to be pretty consistent, but can be made up of very small stuff, as
    Jenny H. has mentioned above.
    Touching as you walk past each other, is another very caring gesture that doesn’t
    even take one second (because you continue to walk), but you can make the other
    person’s whole day just through that tiny weeny gesture.
    Another extremely important few seconds in every relationship that I feel is vital,
    is to listen, REALLY listen, to what sort of a day each of the partners has had. Even
    if you find the other one’s day VERY boring to listen to, that’s how they spent it,
    and there’s every chance that one day they’ll also realise that their life is a bore,
    and change it themselves.
    As you said Shelly, I LOVE this – in response to Jenny H’s comment.

  6. Freda on September 7, 2013 at 7:48 am

    This is for Jackie Morrison,After 26 years of being married to the same person and always running on empty, I’ve decided to call it a day! Don’t know why I left it this long, but yes, I am completely empty and about to embark on changing my life for the better. I’m on my way to being ” filled up” and can’t wait to feel loved again.
    Freda Siomos
    Melbourne Australia xo

    • Jackie Morrison on September 7, 2013 at 11:42 am

      Good for you! You deserve a man who can’t wait and is so happy to have you to fill up with love the way Shelly describes. No one is perfect but when you love someone you lavish them with love. People are responsible for their own self-love but as their partner, showing love is what you do when you want it to be good and to last as Shelly said to another poster. Also, while I agree with Shelly that relationships are where we learn, I don’t believe that romantic relationships are the end all be all and the highest learning classroom above all other relationships. I think it is discriminatory to have the message out there that a romantic partner and being in a relationship is the highest form of existence and everything else is below it. Not sure if Shelly is actually saying that but I do get that impression from her comments in a reply to me in this article.

  7. Marley on September 8, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    Jackie,Shelly’s site and focus with this article is romantic love. I don’t recall her ever saying it was more important than other types of love relationships, including the one with ourselves.
    Even though I am single, I appreciated this article because it will help me express my needs. Many men need this reminder, it does not necessarily occur to some that we as women need to be loved differently in the sense of how we express our love on a daily basis. It’s not always gender specific, but addresses how to better love a person with these type of emotions and needs.

    • Jackie Morrison on September 9, 2013 at 4:43 am

      Thanks for clarifying Marley. I always think it is a great idea for singles to be well versed in romantic love before they get into a relationship. Being prepared and skillful can only help. I’ve seen other love coaches take this position, that romantic love and relationships, are above an beyond any other kind of relationship, which I personally don’t agree with. It’s thinking like that which makes being single sound like a pathology when it is not.

  8. Jackie Morrison on September 8, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Love is an inside out job. Not sure where everyone is but this is an Inner Soulmate event in Santa Monica about how to change whom you attract. Very helpful if you tend to attract the wrong or unhealthy person: http://creativelove.com/shadow-experience-for-true-love-live

  9. Mary on May 26, 2015 at 10:28 pm

    Small things? Yes, like a smile, a joke, a touch an appreciate words, a cup of coffee in the morning, a small gift or a sweet treat, stroke in the hair, help in the kitchen, preparing a snack, compliments, a call, or a nice message, a poem or picture sent, something to show that you really care…all those are good…listening, talking, finding time, doing nice things together, manage for her, arrange what she likes…but if those things you mentioned pile up too much…the most effective is really to admit and apologize and prove you can change and not to repeat them (at least not in such an intensity and frequency) again – in such a case just a kiss or playfulness wouldn´t do it…although it may avert the terrible mood…in those cases the man should show he is worth to be trusted and relied on, he can do what he says, and he can do it more less constantly…If the love tank is most of the time empty…then much more radical change need to follow…But certainly it all consists of those small things – piled up daily…and they do have power…

Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

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