: 04 May 2013

This Is Why You Push Your Soul Mate Away

I believe there are people we’re supposed to be in relationships with. I call these people our soul mates.
One of the most interesting things about soul mates is sometimes they’re the people we resist the most. You’d think we’d run to our soul mates with open arms, but often we end up running in the other direction.

In this article I’m going to discuss why we feel an impulse to push our soul mates away, why other’s give us advice to do the same, and how to change this pattern by accepting your soul mate and signing up for the relationship of your life.

As a Love Coach, I often get the question, “How can I get over this person?” Then they describe the relationship: I’ve been in love with them for 10 years, my heart just won’t let go, I can’t stop thinking about them, no one compares… 

I love answering this question.

“You don’t get over them,” I say. “This is your soul mate.”

Relief emerges on the other end of the line. Partly because they know it’s true, and partly because others have told them the opposite for so long.

Here’s the deal: we don’t choose our soul mates; our hearts do. And once your heart has chosen it’s not going to let go until it’s ready. This is not under your control.

What is under your control is if you surrender to your love or fight against it. It’s a choice.

Unfortunately many of us fight against it–we push our soul mates away! Why would we do such a thing?

Because it’s terrifying to love someone so much!

When your heart is this engaged–when it feels like you’re completely at the mercy of another–you better believe you want to run.

But running does not make them go away! Nor does it turn off your heart! If this person is your soul mate, your heart will remain connected until it’s time to let go. This doesn’t happen on your watch.

One of the major reasons we fail to fearlessly embrace these relationships is because we get a ton of advice that tells us not to.

Unfortunately, most people don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to love. A good rule of thumb is: Don’t take love advice from someone who doesn’t have a relationship you admire. The blind leading the blind will not get you to happily ever after.

A lot of this poor relationship advice focuses on these two themes:

– Your partner isn’t giving you enough, so you should move on.

– Your partner makes you feel negative emotions (i.e. frustration, annoyance, fear, anger, crazy…take your pick), so you should move on.

I’d like to take this opportunity to address this advice, and explain why you should think twice about kicking your heart’s desire to the curb.

1. As I already said, it’s not your choice to move on. 

Try it. I’m serious. Let me know how that goes.

You can’t will yourself to stop loving someone. That’s like trying to use your mind outsmart your heart. I doesn’t work like that!

I talk to plenty of people who have continued to love someone for years despite having tried to “let them go.” What they end up doing is blocking them out (i.e. shutting down their hearts), which is just torturous and fails every time.

Instead of blocking someone out, I encourage you to trust that your heart has a plan. Say yes to your soul mate and find out what the lessons are.

2. Relationships are not about getting, they are about giving. 

We become obsessed (and our friends become obsessed) with all the things that we aren’t “getting” in relationships.

Relationships are where we learn to GIVE. They are not about another person completing us!

People love talking about this. “He’s not doing _____, so you should walk away.” Really? Why not explore what you aren’t doing?

How can you show up in a fuller way? How can you fearlessly love? These are the real questions you should be asking yourself.

When we genuinely give more to our partners, we receive more love. It’s a simple equation. This is a major lesson that you must learn if you are going to have successful relationships.

3. Yes, this relationship makes you feel negative emotions! 

That’s what happens in relationships! If you didn’t feel negative emotions, you wouldn’t grow!

Does this mean you have to endure frustration, annoyance, fear, and craziness forever? No! You get to move beyond these feelings. It’s called evolution. But again, no discomfort, no growth.

People jump on challenges in relationships like they’re a horrible thing. And I get it, it’s not comfortable in be pushed to your edge. But strong emotional experiences do not mean something is wrong! This is one of the biggest misconceptions about love! Your emotions indicate where you have room to grow.

I know, I know. You want to believe the fantasy that there’s someone out there who will never push your buttons. Sweetheart, it ain’t true. The sooner you accept this and face the discomfort in your relationship as a means for your own spiritual growth, the more at peace you’re going to be.

This quote by John Welwood sums it up perfectly: “If we recognize that relationships, by their very nature, continually call on us to develop greater consciousness, then their difficulties are no longer just a nuisance; instead they can be seen as an integral part of love’s path. For they compel us to bring the light of awareness to the dark, unconscious parts of ourselves and mobilize inner resources – such as patience, generosity, kindness, and bravery- that gives us a larger, deeper, sense of who we are.”

When in comes to your relationship the most important thing to do is be true to you. When your heart is attached to a particular person, get curious about why that is. There just might be a reason for it.

Your soul mate is the person that you can’t help but want, that you can’t help but love, that you can’t forget about no matter what. I say, “Don’t fight the feeling!”

By accepting our soul mates we are signing up for the richest type of life. One that includes the most potent emotions, twists and turns, depth and fullness. Trust me, this is what you really want–this is what it is to be alive.

Take my advice and jump into the current of your heart. Go for it! Your soul mate is waiting for you to say yes.

Please leave a comment below about your experience with soul mates. I can’t wait to hear from you!


  1. Susan Wilcox on May 6, 2013 at 11:46 am

    “When we genuinely give more to our partners, we receive more love” In my relationship with my soulmate I found the opposite to be true.The more open honest, giving, and loving I became the more he withdrew pushed me away and denied any expression of his love for me.
    He absolutely is my soul mate and I have spent the past two and half years in agony over his complete unwillingness to accept this undeniable ,soul love between us. I have done much inner work in my own and with therapy to understand and accept what I find unacceptable and tragic. So I love him from afar continue to grow myself and love my fragile and broken heart, find the places where i can cultivate renewal in my life.
    I so appreciate your generosity and beautiful truths. You have helped me.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 6, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      I’m glad you have found this helpful Susan. One of the most challenging things to do in relationships, and yet one of the most important, is to find acceptance for the other, just as they are. Usually when we are not in contact with our own source of happiness, we try to change our partners so they can make us happy. It’s a dead end. Acceptance and forgiveness allows us to let go–which means we can then be in peace. Our words can’t convince anyone of anything, but our actions certainly do. Best of luck to you. XOXO

      • Tracy on May 25, 2013 at 7:54 pm

        Shelly your response to Susan Wilcox resonatates profoundly within me. I am the equivalent of Susan’s partner. As you can see, I am very aware of this and I’ve just about destroyed my 7 year relationship. I’m consumed with fear and I’m terrified I may have lost him and myself. I know what I need to do however I’m stuck in my own fear and am struggling to ‘let go’ and ACCEPT both of us and who we are. I continually try to control. How does one ‘let go’ and just BE?
        Also, what is an ACIM course? Maybe I could benefit.

        Thank you Shelly. I may be destructive with my heart and his, but I strive to keep learning. xxxx

        • Tracy on May 25, 2013 at 8:34 pm

          Hi again Shelly,I now know what an A.C.I.M. course it having Googled it. Bless Google….

          • Shelly Bullard on May 26, 2013 at 12:34 am

            Hi Tracy,
            ACIM is A Course in Miracles. It is psychospiritual text and meditation practice that teaches us how to choose fear over love. The website is: acim.org. 🙂 XO

    • Emma on July 25, 2013 at 6:41 pm

      I met someone 2 yrs ago , he is 22 yrs older man me and I am madly in love, I Believe we are soulmate but I run away from him I yell at him I push him away out of fear and IM afraid I now lost him foreverwill he be back ?
      how can I get him back without scaring him again ?

      • Shelly Bullard on July 26, 2013 at 12:36 am

        Hi Emma,You’re question/situation is too complex to be answered in this format. If you’d like to schedule an appointment, please let me know. I’d be happy to work with you.


    • Nicole on September 8, 2013 at 6:58 pm

      I met my boyfriend 4 years ago at a job. He was 4 years older than me and we were both in relationships. Unfortunately i dated a narcissistic guy who has really changed me, even 4 years later. Not for the good but for the bad. When i worked with my boyfriend i really began to think that he was “the one” the one guy whos image ive been building in my head over the years but never thought in a million years i would get. But i got him. I ran into him last year and he was so fed up with his then girlfriend and long story short we ended up together like it was in the movies. I hate to write this… But i have not been in a relationship since my ex and since that was all i knew, i carried alot of traits from him and brought it into my now relationship and have almost destroyed my fairytale relationship. I have carried on very mild manerisms, thank god. But the thing is that i realize what im doing, i have a very good conscience and im genuinly a good person but i have been hurt and im being very irrational. As im writing for everyone to see, i have realized that im spending too much time worrying about what could go wrong and investing my time in him, rather than our connection. Rather than looking into his heart and feeling connected, im being selfish. Our relationship was beautiful at the start, then i froze and pulled back. I have a beautiful man who wants to love me, but i am not allowing it. After almost losing him, we are taking it day by day, knowing and realizing that all along this is what should have been, myself and him. Im not letting my past define me anymore. I have my movie/fairytale relationship, now thats something to be happy about.

      • zia on November 6, 2013 at 5:36 pm

        I can relate, i m a guy mid 20’s. Met a girl, about a month ago; we have so much in common. Our entire process lasted about a month or less. But we feel or at least I feel so connected, but she is just pushing me away. I m trying my best to show her how much I love her, but I m not seeing anything from her.I really want to fight, to prove to her that I do love her for the sake of love. But I feel like she will never truly understand it or me, or care.

      • KJ on November 10, 2013 at 5:23 am

        This is pretty much my story…except I didn’t own the fact that I was pushing my soul mate away 9and emotionally abusing him, really) and after 2 1/2 years, even though he loved me, he couldn’t let me do that to us anymore and he left. For good. And got married. And then I got married. Each of us had kids, and 13 years after parting (19 years after meeting) I still regret the way I treated him. I cringe and feel shame on a regular basis. It haunts me. PLEASE don’t make my mistakes. Love him back the way he deserves to be loved. Don’t worry about protecting you–worry about giving 100% of yourself and leave nothing on the table. Love him enough to stop focussing on your fears and start treating him the way you want to be treated. You will never regret that. You WILL regret not doing it. Until the day you die.

        • Shelly Bullard on November 10, 2013 at 4:53 pm

          These intense love connections come into our lives to teach us how to love deeper.

    • Anistasi on September 17, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      Snap…but what happens when the love just leaks out of that gaping wound in your heart and you stop feeling at all….I feel like I have been turned to stone. Im totally numb..the only emotion I now recognise is anger and pain. He went from soul mate to soul assassin. ….

      • j on November 2, 2013 at 7:35 pm

        maybe it was not suppose to be, maybe it was an experience that was designed to open you to love more, rather than be a relationship

    • Someone on December 16, 2013 at 1:14 pm

      Some guys don’t like to show their love and some don’t know how much they really love a girl that their in a relationship with till they let go of them. Idk if this has ever happen to u but have u ever loved someone and then they leave u? And once they leave u realise how much u really love them? I’ve been thought that and I’m a guy. If your soul mate doesn’t show u much love that u want him to dont take it the wrong way because most guys have less feelings then girls and don’t like to show their love much, but on the inside of every guy they love their soul mate more then anything and anyone. So just keep in mind that if any hard times come in your relationships don’t think about what’s happen to much because that will be the past. If your soul mate does something that u don’t like just let him know and if he says sorry forgive him. If I ever get married and my wife ever gets me angry I would never scream, touch or punish her I would just simply say “it’s ok, it’s the past we can’t do anything about it” and if she would have done anything by accident I wouldn’t blame her because it’s not like she would be able to see the future.So keep in mind relation ships are never perfect. There are always ups and downs.

      I’m just speaking from what I know and what I’ve exirienced.
      It’s your choice for what u wanna do with your soul mate. But if I were u and u wanted something about your soul mate to change to make him change anything. U should love a guy for who he is.
      But obviously me…. I would want my soul mate to be 100% honest with me no matter what reason and I would never get angry at her.
      I’m only 16 u can take some of what I’ve said to help u and your relation ship if u want 🙂
      Cya 🙂

  2. Anya on May 6, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    I love your blog. I always look forward to reading it. Thank you!!!

  3. Lisa Jones on May 9, 2013 at 9:44 am

    From my own experience, as I grew up there was a boy in school that became one of my very best friends. We shared, we laughed, went everywhere together, and he was one of those people in my life that I knew if I needed help, whatever the reason, any time of day or night, he’d be there.. no questions asked. And he always was. I felt a deeper draw to him, but I kept that feeling pushed down and him at arms length because we were “friends” and I was afraid to go outside of that comfort zone and go further. In my early 20’s I moved away with my family and met a guy that I ended up marrying. In truth, my inner self KNEW this wasn’t the right man, but once again, I was too unsure of myself to act on that intuition and the wedding took place. I allowed myself to live in an 18 year marriage of unfaithfulness, lies, and abuse, but was able to finally get out. I have always been a believer that everything happens for a reason. That part of my life is such a huge lesson for me, which although it sounds odd, I am grateful for, as it has made me who I am now. I have worked hard at regaining my internal strength and growing myself whole. A few years ago, by pure chance and divine intervention, I found the man of my dreams… that boy I grew up with and kept at arms length so many years ago. I am now loved beyond what I could ever imagine was possible. The depth, the devotion.. it’s all there. Yes.. it’s hard work, but we are growing together and are doing everything it takes. I believe, with all my heart, that this man is (and always was) my soul mate; the one I intuitively longed for all those years ago but pushed away. (insert happy ending music) 🙂

    • Kristin on May 16, 2013 at 11:01 am

      This story is amazing! Love the message.. and congratulations for your strength and saying yes to a positive relationship that seems meant to be 🙂

  4. Kristin on May 16, 2013 at 10:59 am

    I love this piece so much, I have saved it as a favorite. I have revisited it numerous times as a helpful reminder to the purpose of my relationship. Thank you, Shelly! Keep up the fantastic blogging! 🙂

    • Shelly Bullard on May 16, 2013 at 5:06 pm

      Thank you so much, Kristin. I’m so glad the message speaks to you. XO

    • shannon on July 16, 2013 at 9:37 pm

      Hi I’m shannon, and I’m 15 years old, the boy which I was going out with has dumped me because I pushed him away, I don’t know what to do because I still love him I just want him to see that I need another chance but I don’t know how… please help me!!

  5. Mary on May 29, 2013 at 2:49 am

    What if you are married with two little ones and realize your soulmate is not your husband but a man who lives 30 min away and loves you like no one ever has.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 29, 2013 at 6:36 pm

      Only you can really know what is best for you.

  6. Max on June 11, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    I bookmarked this page a month ago because the topic of soul mates has always been very important to me, but my perspective is a bit different from yours. I distinguish between a “Love of My Life (LML)” who has aroused the strongest and longest-lasting feelings of magnetism, attraction and sexuality, and the “Soul Mate (SM)” with whom I have many common interests, whose company I always enjoy, and with whom I am on the same wavelength just about all of the time about almost everything.
    My wife of 28 years is the only woman I have ever met who qualifies as LML and SM for me. But there are two other women in my past that I think a lot about. One was an LML who definitely aroused the strongest sexual and other emotional feelings in me towards any woman, but the strong positive feelings were offset by feelings that we didn’t really get along on an everyday basis. And there was a woman I regarded as my first definite SM but we were both in other difficult relationships at the time and our friendship never progressed beyond the SM status to become romantic or sexual. I define a soul mate to be a person I can be comfortable with for any length of time, in any setting. There were lots of women I could enjoy an evening or a weekend with, but it takes a week or month of being together a lot to figure out if you might be soul mates.

    So I continue to think that a LML arouses very strong emotional feelings of love and passion, while a SM makes you feel comfortable and in long-term pleasant company. You need both in one person for long-term happiness. But the two can also exist very independently of each other.

  7. Jennifer Ratcliff on June 24, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    I read your article on another site, but opted to leave my comment *far* away from that forum.
    I loved this piece. It was right on target as far as I was concerned… it seemed to me that a lot of people leaving comments on the other site were more than a little confused. And even a little hostile at times. I kept reading comments and wondering how on earth they could have gotten it so completely wrong??? And then, I took a step back, checked my ego at the door and realized that if anyone had tried to explain the concept of a “soul mate” to me – in any way I could possibly comprehend that wasn’t purely conceptual – I wouldn’t have “gotten it”. I might have tried to “fit” some other love relationship I was deeply entrenched in to the idea… because, hey… soul mates are life changing, and well…that sounds pretty cool. Besides, the romanticized notion of a soul mate is that that person marks the end of the line in your quest for “the one”.

    • Jennifer Ratcliff on June 24, 2013 at 4:22 pm

      (okay, so that posted before I intended… onward)
      My point was, since a soul mate is often misunderstood in the terms I spoke of in the previous comment, it makes sense that people would try to attach the term to any number of relationships. After all, that would provide an element of “uniqueness” to the relationship – giving it depth and meaning. (This makes even more sense if you consider that people often define *themselves* – or try to – in terms of relationship with another. The success or failure of the relationship becomes a dysfunctional barometer measuring “worth”) (I never would have guessed this was such an emotionally charged issue! Call me an idiot… or simply disinterested) It started to make a whole lot more sense to me why people were reacting in such a bizarre way… a place I now recognize as being from fear; not love.

      Kudos to you for fielding those comments with professionalism and care, by the way. I would have put a huge disclaimer at the top of the article which included an entrance exam… but, hey, that’s just me.

      Meeting your soul mate is this huge, weird, electrifying, terrifying, awe inspiring, make ya go hmmm kind of thing. It’s a serene kind of knowing – even when you’re telling yourself that it’s just your brain releasing some pretty awesome “feel good” neurotransmitters. You are exquisitely happy and scared out of your mind in the same moment. You most certainly want to run – fast – in the exact opposite direction. Even when you’re tearing down walls, disassembling your defenses and very consciously deciding not to assume your tried and true patterns of behaviors. Oh yeah, because suddenly you recognize all of those behaviors for exactly what they are and you understand they no longer have a place in your life. You wonder if you might be crazy because you’ve done relationships before… but *this* is something you just do not recognize. Suddenly, you find that you’re at peace with every relationship you had prior to this one and you can appreciate every lesson each one offered. (That’ll blow your mind alone) That whole 1 Corinthians 13:4 deal about love? Even if you’re totally not religious… you get it… in an unparalleled and honest way. You now have a clear understanding of what acceptance means. Because you feel it in your entire being – whether you want to or not. While your ego is doing double time to make sense of this new world you’ve carelessly decided to enter… your heart never questions that you are just where you are meant to be. There’s a trust you can’t ever recall having had… in yourself… or in another person. The connection you share is amazing… and shocking… and scary… and complete. There is no judgment. No one is placed upon a pedestal of perfect… you’d never do that to one another.

      So… yeah, your article pretty much nailed it! It’s one of those things… it just is… what it is.

      • Shelly Bullard on June 24, 2013 at 8:25 pm

        Thank you so much for this!! XOXO

  8. Ann on August 23, 2013 at 12:27 am

    What do you do if your soulmate pushes you away and runs away from you like you described? Should you move on with your life and figure it’s not meant to be? How do you get past feeling hurt and angry?

  9. c on September 9, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Is there any way you can not be the soulmate to your soulmate?

  10. S on September 13, 2013 at 8:12 am

    Shelly,I want to thank you for your website – I found your information I formative and very much needed! I pushed my soul mate away! I have loved him for 20 years, as I know he still loves me! Here in the last few months, I have realized no matter how hard I try to push he is still always there. We both have married, me I selected another man I over him when we were dating because I was so scared of what I was feeling with him!

    I have asked myself for years why I could not get him out of my heart and I always thought I would fall in love with my husband but it has yet to happen! I know I love my husband as my best friend! It hurts me deeply to know I feel this way! Facing all of this over the last couple of months hurts because I know if I ever let it out and told my husband he would truly be hurt! But somewhere in this I finally want to be whole with my ex! I have loved him for over 20 years and want to be happy.

    We talked the other day and we are both still very much in love, when we see each other it is as if the world stops! I secretly have remained friends with him because I could not totally let go! Even when I tried he would alway resurface!

    We want to be together again and try but we both feel we need to close doors first! My ex has always been such a positive force for me, he has by far encourage me to continue my education and today I am weeks away from my masters! Where my husband could care less , my ex has always treated like a lady, we have such passion u believable passion! Passion I have never felt before him, or after him! The connection between the two of us had been so u explainable until one day my husband told me I wake up calling my exs name! I had been doing this for years he said! I realized it has gotten to the point that I cannot run anymore from what I feel inside

  11. Fran on September 18, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    A year ago I met someone that rocked my world. The issue is he is living with someone who is says he is no longer in love with..and who cheats on him consistently. ..they have separate bedrooms and this has been confirmed by both him and her no sexual activity there. He was so into me the first 6 months..and he immediately captured my heart the first night I met him…since the 6 months of happiness, it slowly started to decline because of my questions about him living with someone. He said he wanted to take things slow and I am having trouble slowing down my emotions because I am so in love with him…he is difficult to get close to…he is hot and cold…but I cannot seem to get him out of my heart…I have been in constant pain over this for several months and just took the plunge last night to end things but keep it on a friendship level so he can sort out his life and be happy without additional pressure from me…its very difficult for me to let go..but I feel I had to….that he wants to time alone to sort out his own feelings….so I will always be there as a friend…did not close that door..nor will I.

  12. pink panda on September 22, 2013 at 12:45 am

    i’ve been inlove with this guy for almost 3yrs. we’ve met through internet. we became close and fell for each other. does it sounds weird if i tell you that we never have the chance to meet up in person? well it’s true, i never see his whole face in person..but there was a time that we know that we were on the same place, i know someones watching me i was not wrong i notice him beside me walking past me where i stand but i only saw his side view face. and now we where miles apart, we love each other but we know we would never be together.. i think he is my soulmate because there are times that i can see signs that relares to him and after somedays he will message me. i can feel him.

  13. Uma on September 26, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    My partner of 10 years has left me this year, and it came out of the blue for me. From one day to another I was a single parent with 2 small children, my absolute nightmare! I was heartbroken and still (surprisingly for me) found the strength to get over my anger, and blaming him for being such a …., and so on. I realised that all those feelings are a dead end and will destroy me eventually, and that I was left with a huge chance of self transformation and growing. It took me months of sleepless nights during which I burnt through all sorts of emotions and lightbulb moments, but somehow I was led on this path, and I found all the right books (or they found me) and articles along.
    Now, only 6 months later, I have met my soul mate. He didn’t appear to be that at first sight, I didn’t feel any butterflies or chemistry. But starting as an unassuming friendship, I slowly had to realise that this man is exactly the one meant for me, and he feels the same about me. Both of us haven’t experienced the adrenaline fuelled madness of falling in love, but rather a deeply peaceful current that carried us towards each other. I can say from this experience that you can feel a deep connection and love without all the jittery stages of falling for someone. And that happened despite a huge age gap (he’s 19 years older than me) and the fact that he suffers from an incurable form of cancer. He has very consciously tried to dissuade me from a relationship with him, because people with his form of cancer have an average life expectancy after diagnosis of 12 – 48 months. But I have never been happier in my life than with him. I have chosen to treasure the time we have been given, and I have committed with the fullest heart and mind to him.

  14. Qi on October 2, 2013 at 12:37 am

    Your story touched my heart Uma. I met my soulmate about a year ago, she lives so far away that we haven’t been able to be together in daily life but I love her soul and heart like I never imagined loving anything. And now we are fearing she might have cancer and if the saddest scenario happens and she dies, meeting my soulmate has been both the most beautiful and saddest thing of my life (as it would be easier to lose her if the connection wasn’t so deep – how to get over of losing a soulmate?). But I still hope we have a happy ending.
    You certainly never know what happens in life. In the end, all we have is this moment. Your dreams may come true or then not, but if they don’t come true, you may find new dreams one day even if it didn’t feel like that now.

    • Elenya on October 7, 2013 at 2:40 pm

      I hope your soulmate makes a full recovery- having you in her life means the world is one she loves to be a part of. Be strong and don’t let anything stop you from being together- what you share is precious.

  15. mich on October 5, 2013 at 9:01 pm

    Okay so, I actually took this advice. I finally stopped fighting it and started to trust my instincts. I could go on and on about what has happened, why I think some of it has happened. I worked to be there for him and I know those feelings are there, I know my instincts are right, but the problem is that HE is the one running from it at a full sprint and I feel that every time the fear pops up, he continues to do so. It is now to the point where I cannot safely be there for him until he wants me to. I’m now in the phase of just trying to block out those feelings.

  16. Mackenzie on October 7, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Thank you for such an eye opening article. I met my soulmate a little over two years ago. As soon as we met, we were both what seemed to be addicted to each other. I have never felt in my life about anyone the way I feel about him. It continuously got more intense after we moved in together. Of course we had our arguments, but I always had and continue to have this unimaginable love for him. Now, here is where the problem starts. He is a paranoid schizophrenic, and like most people with this disorder, he doesn’t believe he needs any help. He’s not scary or dangerous by any means, in fact, he is more mentally stable than I am. But it did cause some issues as far as finances with me being the only one working, and he is very lethargic and messy, definitely irresponsible. It became very stressful for me to have all of that weight on me at once for the first time. All of my previous relationships were always 50/50. I would try to talk to him about this, but I couldn’t get him to understand. He saw it as me being materialistic. I moved from Georgia to be with him in Oregon, so being so far away from everyone I know added to my stress. I thought that maybe if I left (after a very heated argument) that it would open his eyes and he would agree to meet me in the middle. It didn’t work. He still begged me to come back, but didn’t offer much comfort other than “things get better with time”. I was planning on going back this April and some things came up with my mother and her needing my help that was going to make that longer. He was agitated by that and being very impatient. So of course, I ended it again, and I’ve made a real effort to move on. Going out with friends, and I even went in two dates. But the dates only made it worse. The guys were nice and I liked them, but I had this overwhelming sense of guilt, as if I was being unfaithful, even though we hadn’t spoken in a few months. I contacted him again and he is angry at me because he doesn’t understand why I have ended it once again only to contact him. Hell, I don’t even understand it. But when I read your part about “ask yourself what it is that you’re not doing” it struck a nerve. I gave up on him so easily. He was never mean to me. He was always kind and loving. Never jealous. Even in arguments the most he would say is “babe, you’re acting unstable”. Maybe I shouldn’t give up. The problems we had could be resolved in time, and it’s not like it was all that bad. My friends and family keep telling me I could do better and I’m a fool for wanting to go back, but I have never experienced such an intense love, and a mutual one at that. There’s definitely a reason we can’t get over each other and I’m hopeful he’ll give us another chance when the time is right. So glad I found this, thank you so much!

  17. Elenya on October 7, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    I met my soulmate 14 years ago, he scared me so much I didn’t speak. 7 years later we connected and spoke for 15hours straight. We immediately shared an honesty that I’ve never had before or since. We explored the world intensely- hey we’d have 5hr chats on the phone and talk for 12hrs + every weekend and it would feel like 5 minutes. And then he pushed me away and we both fell to pieces when we were apart. I felt that my soul was crushed and I travelled the world searching for somewhere else that would feel like home, for something to fill the hole. After 5 years he got back in touch, we started to talk again- the time apart was rough but also great- we both realised what we share is precious and he recognises me as his Soulmate now too. He calls me on my crap, we’re honest, we see each other as we are and life just makes sense when we’re together. Fate bought us back together and I wish everyone in the world would be blessed in this way.

  18. Nashville on October 16, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Two years ago I started communicating with an old high school sweetheart. I had recently been divorced, and we started hitting it off. We live a few states apart; however on one visit we hooked up. After that the conversations changed “I wish I was with you, etc”… Within a few months my ex-wife unexpected passed away. For the next few months I was pretty much off the grid dealing with the emotions of her death. Months went by and when I planned my next visit, I was quickly shutdown and pushed away. Two months later she contacted me and apologized for how she treated me. My response was short and distant. Another two months goes by and she contacts me again, telling me that she wants to be there to help me work through the emotions of my ex-wife’s death. So time went by and another visit was planned. This time we went out for dinner, wine , a walk on the beach and (drunk go carts). We had a great time. Over the next months we were in constant communication. Calls, Texting, Etc. Six months into this she informs me that she was never interested in me. So backed away. The issue is, that she keeps coming back. Telling me how much she misses me, yet within weeks telling me she is not interested, this time admitting that all along she has been in love with a married man. Her background is this. She has been raped, severely beaten by her husband (while married), her father cheated on her mother, which drove her mother into the arms of the man who murdered her. I big part of me thinks I should just get the hell away from her; while another part thinks she is pushing me away because she is afraid.

  19. beth on October 25, 2013 at 4:32 am

    wonderful advice. thank you! i am going to heed it and, if i am lucky enough, i will be back with my soul mate by the end of the month! 🙂

  20. Matt on October 27, 2013 at 2:29 am

    My name is Matt and I’m 22 years old. My situation is a bit different. My story involves me in a relationship with someone, but I was scared and felt I need to let the other person go because I was haunted and ashamed by how others have treated me. WhenI say others I don’t mean other people I’ve dated, I mean like other people outside of the relationship such as teachers and professors. I was very badly treated in school because of my blindness and everyone made me out to be a monster, and everyone emotionally and verbally abused me. I couldn’t take it anymore and I was so scared of being hurt again that I told the person I was currently dating that I couldn’t do this anymore, it was time to break up. I was so scared to let this person in and tell them about my past because I didn’t want my blindness to scare them away. I was treated so badly by teachers in school and in college and in college they started cursing at me and telling me that I basically suck at life and that nothing good would ever become of myself. I’ve noticed that since then I’ve grown increasingly nasty and intolerant of people because the way I was treated in school and in college. I don’t know if I have any love left inside of me to give to someone because I’m terrified of getting hurt again. I don’t know what to do. I finally told the person what was going on with me these past few years, and to my surprise they had forgiven me, but now I’ve recently discovered since we broke up that this person was attracted to other girls. I guess I’m happy she’s found someone and she’s comfortable with her sexuality, but I still haven’t found the right person, nor have I still gotten over her. And the way I loved her, I don’t know if I could ever love somebody like that ever again. Honestly, I don’t really know what my sexual orientation is, but I’d like to think I could be attracted to both men and women. But I don’t know if I could love anyone again the way I loved her.

  21. chris tina on November 3, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    I would just like to know…yes he was a pain the ***.but sonehow I understood….he wants to be friends and even says he wants to cuddle…..I know in my soul I am the closest he has ever gotten to a person. I bellieve my weakness was codependency which we openly discussed …his was selfishness and control. My friends and family dont understand. I guess if he doesnt want a relationship than i have no choice. I just want advice on how i can come to a peaceful place not a constant emptiness. Please please help me i dont know what to do anymore. not a constant empty sadness. he has

  22. Johnny on November 6, 2013 at 3:14 am

    I met someone a while ago and we were inseparable. A day without each other and we would both feel sick. At times it was like we could read each others thoughts. I have an 8 year old boy. A couple months ago she expressed to me she was scared about being a family, scared of my son. We stayed together and still were very much in love. Just recently she brought it up again. We were going to bed and she said it wasn’t going to work, that she loves me but my son scares her. the thought of being a parent figure. She wanted me to stay the night and part ways for good in the morning. I left. Since then, we have spoken and its very emotional. I know she still loves me but what can I do? Anything? I have been in love many times, but not like this. I have suppressed my feelings before, many times, and put up a rock wall. Being a Dad, all he has (mom is gone, just me and him) I have had a lot of heart break over the issue. But I can’t help feeling the way i do. My wall isn’t going up no matter how hard i try. When I spoke to her today, she was the one to start crying. I love this woman so much. any help would be appreciated.

    • Rola on November 12, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      I think you need to think about your son fundamentally, especially if he’s young. Sounds like she’s being really selfish and messing you around. If she’s told you she can’t handle being a mother figure, then I think you need to accept that. There’s obviously something in that. What would it be like if your son got attached to her and she pulled away because she thought she couldn’t handle it. Plenty more fish in the sea and I believe you will love someone who loves your son too (the whole package).

  23. melody on November 8, 2013 at 12:26 am

    I will try to summarize this as best i can without leaving out any important details. I am 34 yrs old and been broken up from my bf of 5 yrs for about 11 mos now. I always assumed we were right for each other, but i can’t explain my new attraction to one of my coworkers of 9 yrs. In the beginning i noticed him looking at me,.but he was not my type. He’s really nice and a lot like me in our choice of words, temperament, and lots more. A yr before my ex and i broke up we were fighting a lot, i found myself being attracted to the guy from work, thinking we had more in common than my bf and i, but i would go home to my bf and forget about it. Then again and again fighting till we broke up. The guy from wk always knew i had a bf, so i know he would never hit on me. Now its been almost a yr and here i am still thinking about this guy to the point of me acting awkward and shy.. thing is he is single too! Problem is my ec has been calling txting and making jokes about us getting back together, but i have no more love like i once did. I want the guy from wk and i can’t deviate from that idea no matter how much my ex reminisces about the past. I feel I’m getting older and maybe i should just get back with my ex. I’m troubled! Please help with your advice, thanks. I will be attentively awaiting.

  24. James on November 9, 2013 at 2:32 am

    My soul mate is M (for privacy). Her mother is a lifetime bachelorette and has tried to drive a wedge since the beginning, saying that if M feels negative emotions, then she should find a guy who is “perfect.”
    I agree with your article so much! It’s all of the feelings I live by. Just go for it because no relationship is perfect. The sweet isn’t as sweet without the sour.

    We hit some bumps. She loved me enough to run away with me. It was intense love at first site! I was sleeping out of my truck while starting up a business. I humbly admitted this to her, and instead of rejecting me, she ran away with me and slept in the truck with me.

    I wish I could say the business thrived, and we lived happily ever after. She got pregnant. She fled to her mom at first because she was scared. She decided to abort. But I drove across the country and begged her not to. I promised that I would work any job no matter how bad to take care of her and the baby. She ran away with me again and we almost made it!

    She and I went and got an abortion. I was numb. Zombie-like. I didn’t feel anything for a week. Then I fell completely apart. I lost it. I’ve cried every day for two months. I can’t look at a baby.

    She flew back to her mom’s and quickly started missing me and we have re-kindled the flame. I once again drove across the country. We had to see each other in private at first sneaking behind her mom’s back. Eventually we got busted and her mom flipped! But then her mom accepted it and I now visit her but M has become exhausted.

    She says she is “conflicted.” I reel her back in on a daily basis by pleading her to see that we are soul mates still. She knows we are perfect together. She fears financially instability but we are both working and stable now.

    I want her to run away with me one last time. She goes back and forth by the day. She is hot and then cold.

    What do I do? I feel dead inside on the days I think it may be over. I feel strong enough to take over the world when she loves me and has a good day. I am so crazy in love that I would rather die if she moves on than live alone. For me, there is only death that can end this bond. Either death together at an old age, or death for me now because my heart can’t bear to lose her.

    It’s also hard to face the loss of our baby even though it’s my stupid fault! I should have busted through the door and ran her out of there. I felt the urge to. I was so so close, but I was numb and dumb. She cried and cried after. She shut down. She can’t bear the thought of sex. She tries so hard to live on and love me though. She is truly trying to heal and love. I can’t bear the thought of the pain I caused her. It kills me.

    Any advice or perspective on how I can win her over?! Please help. I do well with phases or step-by-step approaches.

    Thanks everyone!

    Before I die, I want to write all of the details of our love story. It is breath taking. It’s rocky and the good parts are bliss. We texted I miss you too. I miss you 3. I miss you 4… I think we are up to about I miss you 1,321 these days.

    We had true love. Soul mates. Just want to know if it is over and I know that all advice aside from soul mate advice is just lousy, and comes from people who have never really felt what we have. Like your article says!

    • Shelly Bullard on November 9, 2013 at 3:03 am

      Thanks for sharing!!

  25. Voltairine on November 9, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    My soul mate is not of the romantic variety, but rather my oldest childhood friend. We met at age four, and now we’re 50. But the only reason we’ve kept in contact is due to my efforts. While I know that she is the best friend I will ever have, I have endured 35 years of feeling pushed away, especially the last 10 years when we have maybe one phone conversation a year. She actually moved twice without telling me and almost missed my wedding! When we’re together, yes, I feel the deep, old bond. She claims that my cards, kind notes mean more to her than she can express…but recently I’ve felt completely fed up. While I have had many close friends since then, all but one have ever been of the BEST friend variety. So recently I told her that I’m DONE – DONE. She’s the only person from whom I’ve tolerated this dynamic, the only one worth the pain … So not sure if I’ve thrown a way a friendship … but on the other hand, her words are that she treasures who I am in her life, her actions tell me that making any room for me is somehow a huge hassle, a real impingement on her time.

    • Shelly Bullard on November 10, 2013 at 1:34 am

      Soul Mates make for very complicated relationships!

  26. Coco on November 10, 2013 at 3:29 am

    How do you know you are not mistaking? I really believed he was the one but few years later I realized he was not . I was blinded and could’nt see the truth. How can I trust that the love is true on the long run? I mean the feelings were real and love was truly felt at the time but they end up to fade away. I read those fantastic stories and I wish I could be as clear about my love life. Also can we have more than one soulmate?

    • Shelly Bullard on November 10, 2013 at 6:50 am

      Yes we have more than one Soul Mate, and yes, feelings change. That is the nature of life. A Soul Mate is not someone who you necessarily love forever–it’s just a person you are strongly drawn to at a certain point in time (in my opinion).

  27. KJ on November 10, 2013 at 5:05 am

    Embracing it and going with it/not blocking it out is all fine and dandy if you’re unattached. But if you and your soul mate are now both married with kids, and it’s been 13 years since you parted and it still hurts, it’s a lot more complicated than that. I love my husband, and I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, but nobody has ever, in my ENTIRE life, loved me the way my soul mate did. And I absolutely pushed him away because I felt like I didn’t deserve him and couldn’t make him happy. I’ve never been so raw and vulnerable as I was with him. But I emotionally abused him in a subconscious effort to sabotage what we had, and after years of patience he finally let me go. Most of the time I do fine and I have a great life that I appreciate, but having a relationship that’s just OK after something so deep…it gets to me sometimes. And sometimes what I’ve lost and the regret of how I lost it brings me to my knees. Knowing that I hurt him just eats away at me in the background, all the time.Oh well, that’s just part of being a grown up, eh? Consequences for the choices we make. Pretty sure I’ll still be hurting over this on my deathbed. My one true regret.

  28. Rola on November 12, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    I share similar thoughts to Coca and KJ? What if the relationship is destructive to you or might hurt others? What if we’re in love with the wrong person? I was involved with someone and madly in love (I’m not over him yet). We were friends for a while and then got involved and as soon as we had, he told me about his GF and their long-term messed up relationship, how neither of them were faithful to each other and they didn’t even live in the same city, that they were apart more than they’re together and other issues too. I loved him deeply but struggled with being the other woman. It sucks and zaps your self esteem. I also had massive issues that he had let me fall for him without telling me the truth first. To cut a long story short, eventually I ended it because it was clear he wasn’t going to leave her. I moved to another city. Despite this, we stayed friends and kept in touch. Even met up once and he told me he felt the same and loved me (even had tears in his eyes) but it was still clear to me that he wasn’t going to leave her or that he would necessarily commit even if he was single. Fast forward a few months and we were in contact electronically all the time – so involved in each other’s lives, flirty messages, caring messages, he even joked about him being a kept husband if I got a job I was going for (not sure what that was about), and then he asked if he could come and stay with me. I said yes but he never completely committed to coming to stay even though he could commit to seeing the GF and another friend. One evening, I TOTALLY lost it with him – asking him what the hell he was playing at, that I didn’t want to be an option to him, didn’t think he should come and stay and that I thought I deserved a proper relationship, etc. didn’t he? He then said he’d never felt as much as I had. That I had wanted a LT relationship and he hadn’t. Then also that he would probably be gutted when I’m in a proper relationship with someone else. That confused me all the more and made me angrier. The whole thing was devastating. I didn’t know what was/had ever been real. After that conversation, we both took a massive step back from each other. We’ve sent occasional messages but he’s never explained why he said he loved me/felt the same and months later said he’d never felt the same. Why he got SO intensely involved in my life/asked to visit, only to not commit in the end. When the feelings completely change, I would like to be friends but that will take some time and I’m not sure I can get to that point without an explanation from him for what was going on in his mind. So that’s my soul mate experience. Any thoughts on how to get over this or how I can ever trust my heart again? I’m stuck.

  29. Angel on November 14, 2013 at 10:42 am

    i need some advice, was dating this guy who I was friends with for a while, in 2011 he asked he out and I agreed, it was a good relationship, we understood each other and it was brilliant fun n then one day out of the blue a year later, he broke up with me, cuz he said he felt nothing for me, and we broke up, even though we did break up I did realize that the true reason for the break up wasn’t that he was not in love with me but cuz he got cold feet and he got scared of marriage. a year and a half has gone by I a dated another guy and realized zero compatibility and also saw the things that I unintentional did to my previous bf.. so I sent him a msg to make peace again and one thing led to another and we met a few times and no matter how much time has gone by it still feels like nothing has changed between us.. I understand him, know his thoughts and can read him like a book, he doesn’t wanna consider it again.. I just dunno what to do.. the more I meet him the more I get drawn to him..

  30. Allison Pinder on November 14, 2013 at 11:30 am

    I can’t begin to tell you how much your artical has helped me. I have been mourning my last relationship for over 3 years now. yes 3 years. He walked away and called off our engagement after 3 years of dating and a friendship that we had before we dated for over 9 years.
    He wanted to marry me as I did him as well. When we finally met after talking online for 6 years, it was an instant love affair. I knew him way before I even met him, but when we met it was like he and I have known one another our whole lives. He put that laughter,sparkle and back into my life after such a bad 15 years in bad relationships. He made me feel so much love. Yes, we fought must mostly how his family wouldn’t let him be a adult. When times there was options for me to leave because of his family situation etc. I stayed and fought with him, beside him and never against him. yes, sure I did a few rotten things and he did as well. But who hasn’t?. that I am not proud of but I wanted to work on us. Fixing the trust issues and such.

    He was everything I can ever wanted in a man/partner. I thought his family cared for me and wanted me to be apart of their family. But in the end when he asked me to marry him they turned against me,said bad things about me all because I did not have a fancy job,money or the things they wanted him to have from a mate. I fought for years to keep him but slowly he left. I hear from him ever now and again saying he missed me and my hugs and smile but that’s it! For the first time in my life I felt he was my first love even though I have had loves in a past,but I really loved him until he left and abandoned me.

    He said he changed and I guess in most cases he has, but I can’t help that everyday I write him and I hear no response back just kills me. People tell me to move on, but as your artical says, Only your heart can control that. I guess it just feel empty everyday I wake up and he isn’t there, all the things that others couldn’t stand about him,like his snoring etc. I missed it as I got use to it and when I didn’t hear it anymore, I knew wow I loved him more. I can’t just call him, write him and text him and I felt that he feels the same way. I never will forget the day he told me he loved me but not like he did before. That killed me, as I never thought a person I loved can really convince themselves they don’t love the person who loved them more back and walked over fire for them.His family/new friends convinced him and gave him ultimatums that if you stay with her, then we won’t be in your life anymore. In the end I lost the battle against his family.

    He loves his family so much that he only did what was right for him. I only wanted to be his family too. Evey day I know he’s my soul-mate but I am not sure if he will ever come back or not. All I do is try to positive and in hopes he will figure his life out and how his actions has really killed my heart. He left his family and friends influence his feelings and eventually he changed. I thought the man I knew was stronger than that!
    No one has ever made me feel the way he has. I still feel love for him today, that no matter what he’ll never really understand or know how much he really meant to me and still has still to this day. I still love just as much and more than I can ever love another human being. I never thought I could loves someone this much. When will my heart heal from this? I wish I knew, but I know our hearts are attached for life perhaps. who know know maybe one day he will be back.. I don’t know.

    Thank you for writing this as this short artical has changed the way I viewed the way out relationship was and still is in some cases. I have ready many artical the past few years ,just trying to understand what,and what happened like yous has touch me very deeply. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

    Allison Pinder
    Ashburn Virgina

  31. Jayden on November 16, 2013 at 5:43 am

    Hi Shelly,
    I have scenario where I dated a girl she is 19 and i’m 23. I know she is my soulmate and we would have fought almost once a week but we never got a feeling of letting go each other. My mild possessiveness screwed up the relationship a bit. The issue is I have never made her feel jealous. But she use to keep talking about her guy friends which made me feel a bit possessive. Now she feels she hurts me more and she feels guilty. She started telling she was paranoid about love and love was not her cup of tea.

    One day from the blue she was like lets end this thing i have a career to take care of and i like to be me and not us. So lets break up. I asked her reason but she never gave one. After a day or 2 I hacked her computer and everyday she kept stalking my Fb profile as soon as she came from college. If she had moved on why should she stalk me on Fb. Looking at it I know she needed me. So I sent a text saying lets jus be friends for few months and she said a yes.

    We have started to jog everyday together and she keeps caring for me. She asks me to be more stylish with six packs and stuff like that. But she keeps telling her friends that she is single and she is not in a relationship. Basically for 3 years i have known she is a one man woman. Even I am a one woman man and thats why i don wanna let her go. Im jus clinging on to her. Now i feel she is my soulmate and she feels the same. But she is putting a barrier of friendship so she will not hurt as well as she can do what she wants and I cannot question her.

    My mind is jus boggling to take a decision to let her go. I feel that my last option because Im trying hard to get back the relationship what we lost not matter what happens. But i don’t know whats refraining her from doing it.

    Can someone help me?

    • Shelly Bullard on November 16, 2013 at 4:42 pm

      It sounds like you should let her go.

  32. Rachael on December 10, 2013 at 12:23 am

    “Don’t take love advice from someone who doesn’t have a relationship you admire. The blind leading the blind will not get you to happily ever after.” This is something that I’ve failed to do like maybe….twice in my lifetime. I been in love like this before and I was getting love advice from family, friends, therapists etc. They all told me the same thing. “Get over it!” “They don’t even love you because they’re not even calling you.” “”It’s one sided, you’re the problem not them.” And the number one thing they will tell me is that,” You took it the wrong way!” I made a vow to myself from now on to stop asking people that are clueless about this kinda connection because it’s quite obvious they’ve never been through it before. I am currently in love now with a woman. (Yes I’m gay.) She’s an actress and we meet on twitter and we tweeted each other often and all of a sudden I felt this kinda love I felt for the last woman for the woman that I’m in love with right now and for some reason, she did something that caused us to not speak anymore. It’s just like the last incident with my first love. THE EXACT SAME THING! I’m sitting here thinking to myself, why I’m I attracted to women that treat me like this? Why is my heart having connections with these people that are in the closet? They’re both closet cases but the only difference is that my first love was mean to me. This woman isn’t. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. It’s a very lonely place because nobody seems to understand. I know this is kinda long and you probably don’t have time to read this but, I’m hoping you will. Please and thank you 🙂

  33. Amanda LeClair on December 15, 2013 at 1:02 am

    Hi Shelly! I met the man I love just over a year ago. I truly do believe we are soulmates. We bring out the best in eachother.. two weeks ago however, he broke up with me stating he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. Said he no longer felt that spark. He said I was the best girlfriend he had ever had. He even said he regrets his decision, but it had to be this way. I tried everything to convince him that we could work it out; that he can’t just give up. You dont give up on love! But he said this was for the best. He was unhappy and he couldn’t continue faking his feelings for me. (Didn’t know it was even possible to fake being in love) and It didnt seem like he was.. And now hes feeling extremely guilty over the break up.. I know he was getting advice from his friends, but none of them have ever actually had the best relationships.. I finally went to confront him last night, to hear him say it to me instead of just reading it over a text. I asked him if it was possible that one day we could be together again and he said he felt it was. Now im left wondering what that spark was that he no longer felt, and how to get it back.. and if he says he feels it is possible, does that mean that he hasnt quite given up? Everyone keeps telling me to give him time; that he’s scared and confused. How much time do i give him? Because, despite everything, i do love him. The heart wants what the heart wants.

  34. Mathew on December 15, 2013 at 6:52 am

    I just came out of a very long term relationship, it wasn’t all bad but I knew it wasn’t the right girl for me through the whole relationship. The thing is I know who my soul mate is, I met this girl before I had the long term relationship and we where just friends but we had the best times, I started dating this girl and she my friend moved away. We tried to keep contact but lost contact eventually. But this year when I broke up with the long term girlfriend we started talking again, and eventually moved in together but just as roommates. I’m completely in love with her, to the point where my heart aches. But I don’t know how she feels, I get these mixed signals. It feels like she wants me and then she will encourage me to start dating other woman cause she says she wants me to be happy. I don’t know what to do, I feel this is a very unhealthy situation to be in.

  35. Bliss J. on December 16, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    A little more than 4 years ago I fell in love with someone, and at first I thought it was all lust. Believe me, a lot of it was, but I genuinely loved him throughout. The first year was the greatest secret love affair I could imagine. It was completely against company policy, and could’ve gotten us both in serious trouble. I never expected to fall so completely in love with him. Two years in to the relationship he was picked to go work overseas, it was rough, to the point that we broke it off six months later. The summer after the break up, he was back in the states, I’d already be scheduled to go India that Fall.
    We started talking again and trying to figure out what went wrong, and made plans to meet in New Zealand in the spring to get a fresh start. At the end of the first month I was in India, I found out on Facebook that he’d gotten married the day after I left. Needless to say I was heartbroken, shocked, pissed, etc. I didn’t speak to him again until I returned home, and found a message from him saying that he couldn’t take me being mad at him and that he was getting a divorce. We went back and forth for another year or so until a few months ago I finally realized that while I loved him as a person I was no longer in love with him as a man.

    We’ve been through so much together. And I was never afraid to love him, in all that time everyone I knew including my grandmother and my best friend told me he was no good and didn’t deserve my love, and they didn’t understand why we were even together or on speaking terms after all that he’d done. And I could never explain why I loved him so wholeheartedly. When we met I wasn’t looking for love, if fact I was avoiding it, I flirted teased and played with any guy that can near until I met him. Even though we fought like an old married couple and he was 19 yrs. my senior, it was the best relationship I’ve had so far, because like you said I learned a lot. We didn’t expect anything from each other in the beginning, for two years it was a story book romance, it wasn’t until other peoples influences and the long distances that came between us, that things got rough.

    Like I said, I really did love him with everything I had, and in the end I don’t regret having had such a dramatic relationship. There were more good times, great memories and happy feelings than I’ve had in my entire life! One day it will make a great short story…

    I somehow knew that I was right about loving him throughout, that I’d get over him after I’d learned whatever it was I needed to learn, but it’s comforting knowing that someone else believes that it isn’t crazy to love/live this way.


  36. Susan on December 19, 2013 at 4:04 am

    I am a gay woman who 5 years ago met someone who I was very attracted to, she was in a relationship and I became friends with both. They split up and I visited both, I became very close to the one I wasn’t attracted to and then the other one told me she wanted to be more than friends, I ended up having a fling with both, I was in turmoil mentally and chose the one I was least attracted to, who I am still with. I always think about the other one and am still in love with her, we saw her on a night out recently and I feel we are still connected sometimes I feel her presence even though we are not together she says she can’t be my friend but she can be my partners friend on a one to one but she will be sociable if we go out, it’s very awkward in a group and I can feel tensions, I know I really hurt her when I chose my partner but I have always doubted that choice. I am again in turmoil, my partner knows this and it’s not healthy for me or us I’m not sure what I should do ???

  37. Renaissance on December 19, 2013 at 6:11 am

    I really dont get it! I thought i was supposed to learn something good from my soul mate? And the part where it says that i will be able to let go of my soulmate when my inner being is ready to let go, scares me even more!
    It’s almost 9 years ago that my soulmate went on to live his happy life, leaving behind a wound that wont heal and a shattered soul that is not able to get over it as if it was yesterday. Am i supposed to sit now and watch my life go to waste untill my soul is ready to let go??

    The only thing that i learned from this soulmate, is to shut of my feelings and not allow anyone near my heart again. I am definitely sure that he was my soulmate, liked, loved and adored him on the first day we met, this is HIm i said to myself! it was as if we knew each other for ages, a few days later out of the blue he told me that he was going to teach me how to accept myself, well here i am hating everything about myself! Did not learn a thing i guess, only to build a wall around myself to protect me from being hurt ever again! I am tired of not being able to forget him and moving on with my life. Can someone give me some advise, i can not read between the lines anymore and the world doesn’t make sense to me anymore

    Much Love

    Ps Sorry for my english (not a native speaker)

  38. Sarah Ebrahim on December 19, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Hi Shelley, I read this article and I was amazed because its so true. Tears roll down my cheek as I type this out. A year back I met a guy and his four years older then I am. We were so in love, it was more then any love I ever felt. But I let temptation get the best of me and I cheated and lied for the first time in my life, kissed three other guys. My ex and I broke up but got together again, thereafter we were constantly fighting, he was emotionally abusing me and then in Feb this year he left me lying to me saying his moving away from the city, I quietly let him go as tormenting and excruciating as it was. August this year I contacted him and asked for forgiveness for everything, he apologised on his part as well and since then we have been friends but not the normal friendship, we have our odd days, he gets paranoid and possessive at times about who I’m with and what I’m doing, whereas there will be days where he doesn’t even text me, likewise with me, except I try my best to avoid speaking too much cos of what I feel for him, its too overwhelming and excruciating bcos he seems so hard hearted and he always said he wants to be alone,etc… I told him today how I feel about him and he never replied… He avoids the obvious, its in our face, I wish I had someone like you to speak to him

  39. Alexa on December 19, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    what i believe is my soul mate and she dosent want me back?

  40. Luigi on December 19, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    I need all of the help that I can get with mine. I’ve been in love with and hung up on the same girl since I was like 16 and I’m going to be 37 in July so I’m really not getting any younger or anything. When I was around 18 or so I ended up sabotaging our relationship by cheating on her with another girl after she starting pushing me away because I figured that meant that she didn’t Love me or that she didn’t really want to be with me anymore.

    • Luigi on December 19, 2013 at 10:27 pm

      I also lied to her at the time by telling her that she was right about me and that I didn’t really love her and if she loved me that she would leave me alone which is exactly what I didn’t want to happen at the time.

      • Luigi on December 19, 2013 at 10:35 pm

        It’s kind of like what happened in that movie the notebook after Noah over hears Ally’s family(Mother) calling him trash and stuff and then he goes outside after to leave.

  41. M. on December 20, 2013 at 4:50 am

    I am in what I believe to be a Soul Mate relationship. We’ve been dating for a year, and there is so much depth and love that I feel. He is struggling with self-esteem and commitment issues at the moment, which causes me a lot of frustration. I wish that he would see that he is absolutely beautiful and that he would tell me he loves me back. I recently took a risk and told him that I love him. I told him how beautiful I think he is and that I want to be with him, no matter what. He is 20 years older than I am, and he is insecure about the age difference. It scares me a little, because I know that we don’t have as much time together as a couple who are the same age – but I know that life gives no guarantees, and I am prepared to be with him through everything. He has told me that he is deeply damaged from his previous relationships, and that he thinks I am amazing and he ‘has love for me’ but that his desire to be in an official relationship is damaged. Still, we see each other many times a week and act like a couple in every way.
    I’ve been having this recurring dream lately. I am walking with him in a forest by the ocean. The sun is shining and a light breeze is dancing on my skin. In the dream, he looks me in the eye and tells me he loves me. Usually there are tears in his eyes when he says this. The dream is much more real than any other dream that I have. I feel like it is a part of him communicating with me not to give up, that he will come around.
    I have a friend who is a reiki master who is good at seeing auras. He says that my lover has serious damage to his heart chakra. I am learning reiki and he has told me some symbols to use on his heart. Now, when we make love, I send reiki to his heart and just open up to the depth of love I feel for him. I am learning to give love without expecting it back. I told him that my love is deep and that I don’t want to go away, I don’t want to date him until someone ‘more suitable’ comes along as he suggested. I told him the idea of doing that is the most painful thought, and I won’t do it. He has told me he’s concerned about me because he’s afraid he can’t give me what I deserve. When he and his ex-wife split up, he basically gave her everything and took on the debts so that their children would be taken care of, and his is suffering for that. I don’t care about the state of his bank account. I make decent money, and if we ever lived together, I would be fine with paying more of the household expenses, but he has told me he isn’t interested in living with anyone.
    Even my cat loves him. She’s always trying to burrow into his clothes every time he comes to visit me.
    A lot of my friends have urged me to stop seeing him. They say that he’s too old, too broke, too commitment-phobic, but I just can’t do it. The idea of cutting myself off from him is like cutting off an arm. I’d rather love him and do what I can to help him than to give up. In the past year, he has shown me so much kindness and love, without admitting it, and I have grown tremendously. Being around him has healed me of past hurts and given me so much strength. At times I am frustrated that he can’t admit it too, but other times I am overcome with love and gratitude that he is part of my life. The more I do my spiritual practice, the more certain I feel that I must stay and not give up on him. This article is exactly what I needed to read at this moment. Thank you!

  42. Jon on December 20, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    I’m a thirty year old male who got married a little over a year ago. I thought nothing could go wrong and that I had married the woman I’d be with forever. Flash forward over a year later and I walked upstairs one night to find her texting someone that she did not want me to to see. After a few nights of going back and forth I finally figured out that my wife had been disguising how she felt to me and telling her best friend that she didn’t know if this is what she wanted any longer. She also was texting a guy that she said she was just friends with, although I believe that I felt like there was at least an attraction there. We tried figuring out things between us before starting to see a marriage counselor. We’ve been seeing her for about four months and although things between my wife and I have improved I still don’t feel like she’s being honest with her feelings towards me. Case in point I came across a string of messages to her girlfriend admitting she didn’t love me as much as I loved her and she wasn’t sure if she saw forever with me. I tried to talk to her about how she honestly felt and she won’t admit any feelings like this to me. These messages were from mid November and about a week later she had a solo session with our counselor in which she came home saying the way she’s been feeling finally made sense because everything that she’d been feeling was normal. I want to believe that since this string of messages that I found was before that appt that her feelings are no longer like that or that she knows why she feels the way she did. At the same time I almost feel like she is stringing me along fearful of making a mistake about what she truly wants. Please any advice would be appreciated!! I love this woman so much and do feel like she is my soulmate but she was never this way before we got married and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if she really does love me the way I deserved to be loved.

Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

I’ve helped 125,000+ expansive, beautiful humans manifest their desires through my YouTube channel.

Over the last decade, I transformed my love life… I went from feeling terrified that I may never find love or have a family of my own to manifesting marriage, my baby, our dream home, and so much more. Now, I want to help you do the same.

Hey love! Let’s manifest love, relationships & wealth together.

You with me?

Tired of the same old inbox experience? Think of me as your manifestation big sister, here to guide and inspire you in relentlessly claiming your beautiful desires. I’m here to deliver a blend of affirmations, meditations, visualizations, real-life love stories and practical manifestation tools right into your inbox.






The 3 Most Important Steps to Manifest Your Specific Person



4 Steps to Manifest the Greatest Love of Your Life



7 Easy & Unexpected Ways to Manifest Money



3 Self Love Journal Prompts That Will Change Your Life