: 14 March 2015

THIS Turns Your Partner On (More Than Anything Else)

We all want to be attractive to others… especially to people we desire the most. So it makes sense that we’d be curious about what turns on those people more than anything else.
I bet it’s not what you think it is…

It has nothing to do with what you wear. Nor does it have anything to do with how you look or anything else that’s external…

The biggest turn-on to others consists of one, simple factor:

When you’re most turned-on being yourself.

When you’re comfortable in your skin.
When you’re in your element. 

When you’re owning who you are.
When you feel whole, self-sustaining, and shining for the world to see. 

Simple enough, right?

Actually, it is. But we forget that it can be this easy.

As most of us know, the classic relationship story goes like this: We lose contact with ourselves in the act of trying to turn-on another person! 

We become so focused on him or her that we forget who we are!

Outrageous how it works, right?!

When we lose ourselves in this way, we aren’t embodied or shining from within. Our energy shrinks and we become obsessed with what’s going on “out-there” (aka, “Does he or she notice me?”).

This effort to find attention from someone else is ironically how we become less and less attractive to others. But don’t worry – you can get back to yourself and starting shining from the inside out. I’ll show you how.

Below are 5 simple tips that will increase your attractive energy from within, making you magnetic to the people around you from the inside-out.

1. Breathe, baby. 

Breath grounds you, makes you present, connects you to your body and your authentic flow. It’s a sensual act in it’s own right.

When you deepen your breath, you deepen into you. It’s that simple. It’s that important.

So just breath. Keep breathing. Let it be the anchor in all you do.

2. Get clear on who you want to be (the practice being this person). 

We become what we believe we are – this is undoubtedly one of the most important life-lessons there is.

If you’re not taking time to wonder, “Who am I?” and “Who do I want to become?,” then you aren’t fully engaged in being you. It’s only when we prioritize self-reflection and getting to know ourselves, that we can fully embody our personal truths. Because you have to know your truth in order to live it!

Get to know yourself. Dream about who you want to be and then… go for it. When you commit to your soul’s vision, you shine in a way that is inspiring and irresistible to us all.

3. Bring your attention back into your body. 

Okay – this concept may be a little confusing at first. It doesn’t mean, turn the conversation back to me. It means: always keep a focal point of attention within your own body (I keep my attention on my heart; your solar plexus or gut is another place to pay attention to) when you’re interacting with others.

Here’s why this is so important: Embodiment is the act of remaining conscious. It’s staying present to how you feel at any given moment. When you’re embodied, you’re highly attuned to yourself and others.

We all know how easy it is to get distracted – especially when we desire attention from another person. But if you commit to keeping a small amount of attention within yourself, your energy stays alive, and you remain completely turned-on.

It’s a win-win for you and everyone around you, too.

4. Ask yourself, “How can I turn myself on?”

I’m not necessary talking about sexually turned on (although that’s important to think about, too); what I’m talking about is: notice when you feel most alive.

When are you most yourself?
When are you happiest?
When are you passionate and free?

Find the juice in your life and then… go for it! And, remember, juicy is unique for everyone. A mathematician might find juicy in calculus, and that’s still hot as long as it’s authentic to him.

When you engage with life in a way that is authentic you, passion streams through your body. Your energy and enjoyment becomes contagious; there’s no other choice but for other’s to get turned-on by your energy, too.

5. Remind yourself, “The real me is the most attractive.” 

The real you is the most turned-on version of you. Always.

The real you is not narcissistic. It’s not inflated or entitled or trying to get other people’s attention. Arrogance is NOT hot.

What’s attractive is radical self-acceptance. It’s the humble energy of, “I know who I am and I’m not afraid to own it.” This takes courage; it’s something we all admire in others.

Don’t be afraid to let yourself fully shine. Don’t be afraid to turn yourself on!

Your passion and energy will always turn-on the people around you, and trust me when I say: we could all use a lot more of that.

Please leave a comment below telling us the one thing you’re going to do to turn yourself on this week. I look forward to hearing from you!


  1. shamali bendre on March 15, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    Hi its very true n inspired me. Cause I realised that I am too much focus on him I lost myself totally. N I lost my charm. But I will work on what u suggest..sure love you but yes bf that I love me…

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 1:09 am

      It’s easy to lose ourselves in relationships. Yes, just like you said, come back to yourself and it will make all the difference! xo

  2. Jen on March 16, 2015 at 12:26 am

    Thank you for emailing this article. Recently I met an amazing man although at first I was unsure if he too similar to another toxic person in my life. Now I see its how authentically I am in this situation that really matters.

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 12:37 am

      Awesome Jen!! xo

  3. Iliana on March 16, 2015 at 5:46 am

    Hi Shelly, hi guys!I’m currently in a relaxation ship which after many ups and big downs put me in a place where I don’t recognize myself.. It just hit me one day that this horrible person I became is just NOT me..it is true that I am still seeking for his care and genuine attention but I had to start from me! My biggest step lately is leaving a good (according to others) position at work and just finding something I would really enjoy..it is a second week now and I already feel relieved..I know I’m on the right but not easy way but I missed me and if my parner fails to follow then it’s not the right one..
    Shelly I’m a bit confused about point 3..do you mean exercise?
    Many thanks for empowering us..
    Love to ALL,

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 12:40 am

      It means be present with yourself. Be aware of yourself. Be conscious. 🙂

    • Colleen on March 21, 2017 at 8:09 pm

      I will be proud of myself for being who I truly am on a first date whether the other person felt a connection or not!

  4. Ahsoka23 on March 16, 2015 at 6:35 am

    I am so happy you posted this. I am getting myself back into dating and I know in order for me to attract the person that I want to be with, it all starts with me. Easy said than done since we live in a society that demands that you work externally to attract what you want internally.
    This was very inspiring. Thank you.

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 12:38 am

      I’m glad it spoke to you!! xo

  5. Amanda on March 16, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Shelly! This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me! After a long time of working on myself after a very difficult break up, I’ve finally attracted a man that is really great. This man came into my life in a very unexpected way, and he fell for me when I was frankly, not into him at all! But I was being authentic and genuine and for some strange reason he saw past that, and when he started to express his feelings, my feelings started to grow too. Now that we are “dating” I’m finding myself falling back into my old habits and becoming more involved in the relationship (and making him happy) than doing what you talk about above. And it’s been kind of boring lately! I’m going to take your advice, and start finding passion for myself again. Thank you for always posting no nonsense great advice!

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 7:56 pm

      Awesome Amanda!! Glad you found it helpful!! xoxo

  6. Marty loveless on March 16, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    Shelly,This is so True! I find a irresistible magnetism when I’m around these kind of people. You can’t help but want to be around them… I know a couple people like this and I always remember to be a upper not a downer when I’m around others:)

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 7:55 pm

      Yes – it’s irresistible! Thanks for sharing, Marty!

  7. Kris on March 16, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    I am just getting to know a man that lives out of town. We met in Arizonia during the holidaysand he made contact with me a couple of weeks ago. You hit it on the nail with Passion and Energy that is the main attraction that has caught my eye.

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 7:54 pm


  8. Kerry on March 16, 2015 at 4:43 pm

    Thank you for those reminders. I especially like the point of bringing my attention back into my body and to keep my attention on a focal point. Especially the heart. It’s so easy to get caught up in “giving” to everyone else but I need reminders to give to myself first.

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 7:54 pm

      Yes!! This is a great way to regulate your “giving” so it’s a choice & healthier. Thanks for sharing, Kerry!

  9. charlotte on March 16, 2015 at 8:13 pm

    Fantastic Shelly <3Ive always been a strong believer in being my true self and it saddens
    me when people r arrogant becos they dont like accept themselves.
    I am going to continue to shine and own who i am w courage and
    tenacity 🙂 esp in my one of my job places (relief ece teachr)
    thank u for ur aroha ma awhi (love n support).
    Deep breaths also crucial in my life…
    love Char

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 11:10 pm

      Thank you, Charlotte. xo

  10. Eniale on March 16, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    I’ve known instinctively that staying home, ie within myself awareness was where I should be. I did find myself trying to anticipate what the other person would want and drop into that, their reality as it were. This is draining and yes very unattractive and not respected.
    These are great, superlative tips. Of being..in one’s own skin.

    • Shelly Bullard on March 16, 2015 at 11:10 pm

      Yes – anticipating where the other person is going is so common and so uncomfortable! One of the ways we over-caretake then feel burnt out. Thanks for bringing attention to it, Eniale.

  11. Pakinam on March 17, 2015 at 8:00 am

    committing to my weight loss plan by eating healthy , excising and laugh alottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 7:53 am

      Yay for laughing!!!

  12. Cora on March 19, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    This week I am going to find a gym and start taking better care of myself

    • Shelly Bullard on March 21, 2015 at 10:40 pm


  13. julie on March 28, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    I cant thank you enough. Something i needed all my life

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 7:52 am

      AWESOME! I’m glad it resonated.

  14. april on May 22, 2015 at 3:10 am

    I believe that self love creates a more attractive person. But what if the person you’re trying to attract wants more? I moved into a state of becoming more “ME”… finding my center. Pushing myself a bit but still, being true to ME. And in so doing, still lost my partner. Strange but true. My husband (soon to be EX), only told me, “You can be so much MORE… You have so much potential… Why stop a 5 mile run?? You don’t know what your body can do!”
    Comments such as these brought me down. I was exhausting myself and it still wasn’t enough. This was him telling me that no matter what I did, there could be more effort. WHY? When I felt proud of my accomplishment. Happy to have done “enough” for ME. Different methods of communication, for sure. But he wouldn’t share my view… just kept saying, “keep pushing”. When is enough ENOUGH?!

    Fast forward one year later: I take care of myself, am happier, more balanced and do what feels right. Self improvement and striving to be better is always on my list. But I’m not in competition with the world nor myself. Sometimes, good enough is enough.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 22, 2015 at 2:53 pm

      It sounds like your ex was projecting his “not enoughness” onto you – continuously pushing you to do more, be more, etc. Little does he know, this lens of viewing you as “not enough” comes from him own, internal feeling of not being enough. And, as the Universe would have it, if you move into a state of self-acceptance but your partner doesn’t accept himself (and therefore can’t accept you), then your relationship cannot last. The energies are no longer a match. You part ways – you going up the “enough” trail, and him going in a different direction. Amazing story – glad you stayed true to YOU. It’s the only way to be happy. Go girl!! xoxo

  15. Melanie on August 19, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    YOur articles really speak to me, thank you!

    • Shelly Bullard on August 20, 2015 at 11:37 pm

      You’re welcome! xo

  16. Pat on November 11, 2015 at 1:38 am

    I’ve been single/divorced for 30 years…dated off & on in cycles…never really investing in my romantic future, nor have I taken life too seriously. Last Feb. I met a man by chance at a dinner party. I KNEW in an instant! Weeks later, at another dinner, we learned we have the SAME birthday, both being ARIES! It’s been and continues to be a slow, evolving relationship, seeing each other on average twice a month. He is in my mind 24/7…and while I love that, I’ve wasted too much time worrying about the impression I make. I am an outgoing, fun-loving, independent woman but I WANT to be a softer version of myself…sometimes my energy is intimidating or over the top. He is intelligent, energetic, but not willing to share his feelings, I believe, due to a fairly recent divorce. We simply don’t spend enough time together to know each other’s inner self. Any thoughts would be appreciated…

    • Shelly Bullard on November 28, 2015 at 9:58 pm

      Tell him that you’d like to spend more time with him. Honesty.

  17. Michelle on November 20, 2015 at 1:55 am

    Thank you so very much

    • Shelly Bullard on November 28, 2015 at 9:45 pm

      You’re welcome! xo

  18. Kristine Horton on May 1, 2016 at 6:25 pm

    I had honestly had not given it any thought about being the most attractive you by shining and being your best you, but now that it’s discussed and explained it’s completely logical and I wish I had thought of it because it seems obvious once explained.I have work to do in this area. I am self concious about myself and so I don’t let down and show my true me very often.

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 7:52 am

      True Self is always the most beautiful self. 🙂

  19. Marilyn on October 11, 2016 at 1:15 am

    I don’t know who I am. I cared for my husband for many years and I am really lost and lonely. Others sense my deep sadness and uncertainty and they don’t find me attractive. I don’t feel attractive

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 7:52 am

      When you feel attractive, others will find you attractive. This is how it works 🙂

  20. Frederica on February 6, 2017 at 7:39 pm

    Great article! Absolutely true. Loved it!

    • Shelly Bullard on May 23, 2017 at 6:04 am


Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

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