: 19 June 2013

What Chemistry Really Is

Chemistry has a purpose.
It’s not random.

It’s not a fluke.

There’s essential information in the attraction that occurs between two people.

I’ve often heard people talk about chemistry as if it’s a bad thing. Like we should be fearful of the people we’re attracted to the most. And I understand why people feel this way:

Because the people we’re highly attracted to tend to bring our issues to the surface.

It’s true… strong attraction makes for a wild ride in love. But the question is: Is this really a bad thing?

Some people will say yes.

Sure, if you want life to be easy then the path of strong attraction isn’t for you (Side note: Is there an easy path? I’m still trying to figure that one out).

Of course, we all want love to be uncomplicated. But we are complicated! So why would our relationships be anything less? 

In my opinion, it’s natural for love with another to be a wild ride. This doesn’t mean that we stick around in relationships that are abusive or feel horrible to be in.

It means we recognize that relationships will provoke us to grow into the truest expression of ourselves!! And this this process isn’t always easy!

Feelings such as of insecurity, doubt, fear, jealousy, judgement, and contempt (all ego feelings) will appear with the people we desire the most. Because of this, many of us categorize these highly-attractive relationships as “bad” or “unhealthy.”

However spiritually speaking, these relationships are doing what they’re supposed to do – they’re provoking your ego to surface so you can transform it.

When we remember that relationships are meant to help us grow, we approach the “bad” that arises very differently. We know that there is a lesson in every challenge – and that lesson always is to regain a connection to love.

Lessons of love take on many different forms…

Sometimes reconnecting with love means leaving the relationship. Sometimes reconnecting with love means sticking around and to work through the challenges.

Sometimes the lesson is learning to forgive your partner. Sometimes the lesson is learning to forgive yourself.

Yes, we all want peace in relationships; they’re supposed to be blissful and loving. And when they’re not, we know we’ve fallen into illusion and it’s time get back on track.

This beautiful process is a dance. It’s how we deepen in Love.

It’s how we remember, yet again, who we really are.

Don’t bypass or downplay the chemistry you feel; remember it exists for a reason. The people you are most attracted to are your greatest teachers in love. Show up for the lessons they have for you. 

Please leave a comment below about what you’ve learned from your relationships with the most chemistry. I look forward to hearing from you.


  1. Adrian on June 20, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    It is so hard to describe that type of chemistry to someone who has never felt it. It is a physical “click” almost instantaneous, for myself anyways. Both of my past serious relationships, I have felt this. I can tell you where I was with this person and still describe the feeling even years later.Both of those relationships were a roller coaster ride to say the least BUT I wouldn’t change the experience for anything. To the outside looking in, I am sure we all looked crazy and people might have questioned my sanity for staying in such a relationship(no worries they weren’t abusive) lets just say they were passionate, good and bad haha
    People have to realize that is all part of growing, to your true self, preparing you for the next relationship/step in your life.
    Thank you so much for your blog and what you do!


    • Shelly Bullard on June 20, 2013 at 4:40 pm

      Thank you for your comment!

      • Michelle on December 22, 2013 at 2:03 pm

        This is exactly what I was looking for. I had an attraction to someone when I was 18 and 21 yrs later we both admitted we still had feelings for eachother. I used to dream of him even when i was with someone else. The thing was i wasnt thinking of him at the time. But it kept happening. When I saw him last it was like a vault of electricity. My heart believes itll happen but im at a crossroad n believe I should let go cause hes from my past.

  2. Jim on June 20, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    I have someone who is interested in me almost to the point of worship. We met over three years ago and dated a few times. I quickly came to understand that there was little to no chemistry on my part towards her. I think chemistry is a vital component in a romantic long term relationship as a spark is needed to start a fire. I was very honest and discussed how I was feeling. She refused to give up on me and continued to pursue me in this one sided venture. I encouraged her to date and did for a very short time. Out of her persistence has come a doubt within me. Even with out the chemistry I feel is needed am I making a mistake in not “giving it a go” with someone that truly seems through actions and thought cares deeply for me? She has the chemistry overflowing from her side and wonder if given serious effort on my part would the chemistry from my side grow enough to give this person what she wants… me. Thoughts…..

    • Shelly Bullard on June 21, 2013 at 5:36 am

      My thoughts are if your heart isn’t in it now, it won’t be in it later. Also, chemistry is a mutual experience. Sounds like her “worshiping” is actually a little different than chemistry–she’s caught in a cycle of wanting someone she can’t have. Stick to your truth and be open to finding someone you really want to be with.

      • Jim on June 21, 2013 at 6:54 pm

        Thank you for your response Shelly. You thoughts are appreciated. Jim 🙂

  3. Sh on June 21, 2013 at 12:03 am

    I never felt that feeling with my husband! it was a long distance marriage and everything was arranged before we see each other! (long story…) He is a nice and family guy and since today after 7 years I still haven’t feel that chemistry with him! this leaded to a deep depression for me…. I feel like I’m missing something big. we have a kid together and I cant simply break the relationship. but always in a very strong emotional depression because never felt that love and chemistry with him….

  4. Ian on June 21, 2013 at 6:36 am

    Hey Shelley a very nice article. I’m still fairly young but I have had two of these kinds of relationships and they were both an emotional whirlwind. I’m still recovering from one of them and it has taught me a lot. It came out of nowhere and it turned my life upside down and then up again and then down and so on and on. But coming out of it I now can see how much of an affect it had on me. I can say it almost made me grow up( I was 23 then now i’m 24) overnight and see everything differently. I really liked the part of Your article when You said : “Because these people tend to bring our issues to the surface.” And that was exactly my case. Absolutely everything came to the surface and made me work on it. It made me a better person in a lot of ways. (Stopped smoking, stopped living from an ego’s perspective, helped me to appreciate life again and see the love and awesomeness of it all). Wouldn’t trade that experience for anything and sure it made me sad and so on but that’s part of the experience. The best You can do is to enjoy every moment of it and be thankful for everything that the experience has taught you. Awesome article, thank You 🙂

  5. Sherry on June 22, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Thanks for the article. My love experience (s), were only one sided most of the time. Even though there was chemistry from both sides, still things won’t go further later on. I read carefully the post of “Jim” , and somehow it describes the last relationship I was in. I did all the effort with my ex, I almost worshiped him, but with time I could see that I was the only one who was giving everything. I preferred to just walk away and let it go since I realized it is a one sided relationship and I realized I cannot change his heart from only liking me deeply into loving me. I learned a lesson from this experience: to never struggle in a one sided relationship thinking that later on it will change. If it is there it is there period.

  6. Corey on June 22, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Shelly, great article. my friends have often called me a free spirit when dating because i always said if there s chemistry of se sort, i want to explore it. i feel that the chemistry may be an attraction to more than intimacy, love, relationships, and other things that people associate chemistry to. i feel that the chemistry can be a sign that this person is someone that can help me grow in some way….and normally that is true. I really liked reading this article. But Shelly, I’d like totall you about my current situation to get your thoughts if possible.I am in a relationship with a man that I have known for 14 years. We were best friends for 8 years and in a relationship for 6 going on 7. We have a child and have yet to get married. In the beginning I felt a strong chemistry between us which is why we took the friendship to the next level. I was so certain this was the “ONE”. Over the years however, I find myself feeling no chemistry at all with him. It is making me sad to think about because we have a family now and I have lost my best friend. Do you believe that it is possible to regain chemistry once it is gone?
    I think it is gone for both of us, but I ca only speak for myself.

    Also, I have a friend that I dated on and off for 6 years, prior to my current relationships. The chemistry i had for the guy i dated never left. I was young when we dated and i allowed other opportunities to come before him resulting in both of us in separate relationships that coincidentally make both of us upset. The chemistry between me and this guy i used to date is still there, although I try to deny it. I love talking to him and I love having him around. This confuses me and makes me feel confused about love, relationships, and the thought of marriage. What are your thoughts on this situation?

  7. Lily on June 24, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Thanks for the article.Do you think when the chemistry fades that the spiritual lesson is “learnt” or is the relationship just going to the next level (if that even exists?)… something more settled?
    What I’m trying to get to is that if the chemistry that was once potent and bubbling over has settled down a bit, does that mean it’s time to move on, or is that part of growing together?
    Also, is it “wrong” to want the chemistry to last, can it last, in your opinion… does it last or is it natural for it to fade/settle?

  8. Ryan on November 14, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Great article, I needed it.

    I had an instant connection with someone i met. I thought the feeling was mutual, at least that’s what she said. But phone/text communications were sporattic at best. Now I think I may have scared her off because I wwas in full Maverick mode: “How are you doing,” “What’s up,” “I miss you.” And I still haven’t shaken the feeling that got this all started. So now I’m wondering if theres a way to rebound from that because I haven’t shaken the feeling yet. Confused about whether to just approach it in person or let it go. But the feeling is a constant on my mind and the two times we hung out it damn sure looked, sounded, and felt like it was mutual. I guess I’ll let it go its course but my impatience is killing me right now and I don’t know if she’s on the other side thinking the same thing.

  9. JoJo on April 1, 2014 at 5:42 am

    Very interesting. I do experience that it can be unhealthy with this person who has been a part of my life. I feel such intensity and nervousness with this person along w/ blushing. He is constantly on my mind. I replay the eye contact moments, and the smile that was just for me in my mind, the chemistry was crazy that time. My mind was loud and clear saying “He really likes me!” as I almost instantaneously felt this invisible magnetism from my heart to his! More other things in this situation with him, but that’s the positives. He and I have some shared passions for a heart for children is one big one, and some minor similarities that we both drive a Ford automobile or the fact that I saw him driving in town-that accident was so bizarre.
    Nonetheless, I have not felt such intensive chemistry or emotions with someone like this before. The positives with this person makes me feel giddy or just give me a huge smile across my face because the looks are just priceless, and make me feel like the luckiest woman in the room. You would too if he looked at you like he has to me. This has been a great helpful article!

  10. dale on June 2, 2014 at 5:20 am

    I feel that familiar chemistry with the manager at my workplace. Im single, but he seems to always have a girlfriend. He comes over and talks to me, and i really think he feels it too. But i want him to pursue me. I would be soooo excited if he asked me out! Thanks!!

  11. Lori on July 17, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    Hi, i have been in a relationship for 6 years. There has never been chemistry for me. He is a nice caring person but I feel we are better friends. He does have the chemistry for me. I have tried everything to get the chemistry it’s not just physical it’s his personality. Now we fight all the time he is angry because I won’t have sex and I am angry because he is being nasty. One of my biggest issues is I feel he had a head smell and it turns me off is this chemistry others say they don’t smell it but I can’t stand the smell his body and head. Is this possible I am just being attracted to his peramones?

    • Shelly Bullard on July 19, 2015 at 12:47 am

      I think something deeper is going on and I’m wondering why you’re in a relationship with someone you don’t feel chemistry with? These are questions I would be asking myself.

  12. Anna on February 21, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    I love reading your posts. They always come at a perfect time for me.
    I’ve been trying to figure out what lesson I am being taught by this one man who I have been seeing. It has been a long and slow development. Which is fine because it was moving at a pace that was working for me, especially after coming out of a relationship with someone who made me feel really bad about myself and so I have been building myself back up.

    The chemistry with this new man is there. The conversation is there. Now I am ready for thing to move faster and they are not and I don’t know what lesson I am learning. I am trying to listen for it but I don’t know hear anything.

  13. Missy on May 3, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    Thank you Shelly! Your emails always show up at the exact time I need them with the exact message I need to hear. I am involved with a man right now whom I felt a very strong attraction from just a message through Facebook and I had only seen him once from across the room prior to that. I have been so afraid of the attraction that it has taken me two months to really even open up to the idea of a relationship with him. I had just started to explore the feeling of just letting it happen if it is suppose to happen when I read your email. And yes, he has brought up a lot of issues for me but he is still hanging in there with me – a good sign!

  14. Candice on July 17, 2016 at 7:46 am

    Like one of the other post stated its amazing how something like this can ‘show up’ in your inbox just when your subconscious was tying itself up in knots trying to understand this very subject!! After and year and half of my imposed singledom, that ‘chemistry’ has grown between myself and man at work. So and after the initial flirting, the butterflies, the coy attempts to understand how the other person feels before you dare reveal your cards 🙂 i now find myself back in groundhog day – the inevitable phase of closing myself off because I am scared of what this means – as I have done so many other times in relationships.However…. this time I have come to believe (and this is just my personal way of making send of it) that I am being given an opportunity to do things another way. Like some kind of cosmological sonar he and i were brought together and the chemistry that was felt was really the way the universe let me know ‘here is a someone who has come to do some soul work on you’… Hold on to your hats 🙂 thank you Shelly, you are wonderful x

Before you dive any deeper...

Hi, I’m Shelly!

I’m a relationship coach, licensed marriage & family therapist, wife, girl mom, world traveler and… a damn good manifesting teacher.

On any random Saturday, you could find me hiking in the Redwoods with my family during the day AND relaxing to all songs on 🎶the foggy jazz🎶 station on Spotify in the evening with my man…

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