: 19 June 2012

The Truth About the “Unavailable Man”

Ohhhhhh… the unavailable man.

We’ve heard horror story after horror story.

We look around and ask ourselves, “Honestly, do available men even exist?” The concept can seem like a myth only to be found in fairytales.

Luckily, I believe in happily ever after.

When I say “unavailable” I mean in any sense of the word. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.A man who doesn’t show up for you in the way you want.
A man who doesn’t give enough.
A man who isn’t open with his true thoughts and feelings.
A man who won’t commit.
All of the above qualities qualify as unavailable in my book.This could be men you chronically date or a man you are married to – whatever it is, if you find yourself craving more in your relationships then you’re reading the right article.We’ve all had our fill with these unavailable types. The guy shows up, sometimes dressed as Prince Charming. He makes you laugh and feel good; he’s a little hard to resist.You scan him and do your best to analyze the situation. The coast seems clear so you move in a little closer and then out of nowhere BAM! Unavailable! You didn’t see that one coming!

You eventually pull yourself back together and swear that you’ll never, ever date an unavailable man again. And then what happens…? 

The next one comes around and ends up being one of them too! What the hell is going on here?

If this sounds like your story, then I challenge you to take a good look at what is going on within yourself to understand why you’re caught here.

Relational problems (like this one) are caused by one thing only: a faulty belief system within you.

These limiting beliefs stay hidden away from our awareness which is why we repeat them over and over again. But when we dig a little deeper, we can finally excavate the truth (and then pattern can change). So I’m here to shed a little light on the situation…

Here is the truth about this pattern:

Your man is your mirror. 

What does this mean? This means that what we see in other people is actually a reflection of what is in YOU.

If your pattern is getting involved with men who are unavailable, then that means… you got it… that you are being unavailable, too.

I can hear the cries of disagreement now.

“What do you mean I’ve been unavailable?! I’ve been nothing but giving, and attentive, and present…..” Hold on, hold on. I know. Give me a second. Let’s take a really close look at this concept. I challenge you to get down and dirty with your truth.

I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer them honestly…

Have you been showing up in your relationships as the full, authentic, confident, complete woman that you are?

I’m going to bet that somehow, someway an altered version of you, rather than the true you, shows up.

You may be leaving parts of yourself out.
Or you’re modifying yourself in ways that aren’t real.
Or you’re biting your tongue.

Whatever the case may be, all of you is not showing up.

This, I’m sorry to say, is being unavailable for love.

If you don’t show up in your relationship fully – as the woman you really are – then no man is going to show up fully for you. This is a fact. Let it sink in.

Abandon yourself, get abandoned. The equation is simple, and brutal, and… reversible. There’s hope.

In my course, I guide women through the process of becoming completely available to themselves because I know that this is the only way they can attract an available man!

To get you started on that path, please scan your heart right now and look for the ways you’ve made yourself unavailable in your current or past relationships. You need to figure it out or it’s going to keep showing up on your doorstep. It’s time to take some seriously-empowered responsibility for your part. You can do it, girl.

Start with these questions:

– How have you abandoned yourself in relationships?

– How have you not been fully authentic in relationships?

– Have you deflected attention from yourself back to your man, making yourself unavailable?

– Have you been overly-giving, making yourself unavailable to receive?

– Have you not expressed your thoughts and opinions, hiding your true self from your man?

Understanding that we’ve been unavailable this whole time can be a tough pill to swallow. But the more we dive into self-reflection and face what we see with courage and honesty, the more likely we are to break this very painful spell.

Remember, we are all unavailable at times. We are human beings. Humans make mistakes! Humans default to their egos! This is completely normal.

You don’t have to be perfect to find an amazing relationship or to enjoy the one you’re currently in.

But remember, the more you get real with how you are co-creating your reality, the better reality you are going to have.

Please leave a comment below telling us the ways you’ve been unavailable in relationships and how you’re going to start being more available from now on. We look forward to hearing from you!


  1. April on September 4, 2013 at 1:13 am

    I love your mind. Can you please explain the following question in more detail:
    – Have you been overly-giving, making yourself unavailable to receive?

    Thank you!

    • KrisShannon Rasbury on March 21, 2014 at 2:07 am

      Yes I would like the answer to this question too….to giving?

  2. Emeli Ericsson on January 21, 2016 at 12:28 am

    Dear Shelly, Thank you yet again for being so to the point! I love your tone and how your articles make me search for answers within myself without being resentful or harsh. With love /Emeli

    • Shelly Bullard on January 24, 2016 at 1:43 pm

      You’re so welcome, Emeli. Thank you for saying so. xo

  3. June Safford on July 7, 2016 at 12:47 am

    I guess I haven’t put myself out there for men which makes me unavailable. How do I change this pattern?

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